• 


WHO  WAS  Next 


THE  MAN 


WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL. 


BY 


A    HIGH    PRIVATE. 


RING-,       IP-ublislier, 

COR.  BROMFIELD  AND  WASHINGTON  STREETS, 
BOSTON. 


COPYRIGHT,    1877. 
A.    K.     LORING. 


ROOK-WET,I.   &   CHTTKOHII.!.. 

39  Arch  Street,  Boston, 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL 


CHAPTER  I. 

JONAS        SMITH. 

A 

THAT  was  his 
name,  and  that 
was  the  way  in 
which  he  wrote 

it.  Notice  the  peculiar  character  of  the  back- 
hand, the  size  and  blackness  of  the  letters,  the 
swing  to  the  J,  and  the  curve  of  the  8.  Don't  you  think 
all  that  gives  an  appearance  of  importance  to  the  name, 
like  unto  that  which  attaches  to  the  giant  signature  of 
Johii^  Hopkins,  which  towers  over  all  vothers  in  our  glorious 
Declaration  ?  Don't  you  know  that,  without  the  backhand, 
and  the  size  of  the  letters,  and  the  swing,  and  the  curve,  the 
above  name  would  not  be  at  all  noticeable  ?  Even  if  you  are 
a  SmitK,  you  mwst  admit  that  there  is  nothing  distinguished 
or  romantic  about  your  name ;  that  the  immense  family  to 
1^ch  you  belong  has  managed,  somehow  or  other,  to  turn 

*  2061759 


4  THE    MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

out  very  few  great  men;  and  haven't  you  felt  that  your 
parents,  in  imposing  upon  you  that  name  (against  their  wills 
perhaps)  were  very  lax  indeed  in  their  duty,  if  they  failed 
to  give  you  a  front  name  (over  which  they  had  complete 
control)  which  might  compensate  for  the  unpleasantness  of 
your  family  name  ? 

Now  our  hero  (I  despise  mysteries,  and  therefore  tell  you 
at  once  whom  I  am  presenting  to  you)  was  well  aware  of 
the  estimation  in  which  his  family  name  was  held  by  the 
community  in  general,  and  was  quite  as  well  aware  that  his 
Christian  name  did  not  improve  the  matter.  If  he  had 
been  called  Alexander,  or  Sidney,  or  Algernon,  perhaps  the 
name  as  a  whole  would  have  made  a  better  appearance  ;  but 
Jonas,  — bah  !  it  was  almost  as  bad  as  John.  Now  you  can 
understand  why  our  hero  wrote  his  name  in  the  aforesaid 
peculiar  manner. 

Don't  imagine  that  our  friend  Jonas  was  an  affected  up- 
start, because,  if  you  should  start  out  with  that  notion  in 
your  cranium,  much  time  might  be  wasted  in  removing  it. 
He  was  not  of  that  sort  at  all ;  on  the  other  hand,  he  was  a 
clever,  good-hearted  fellow,  with  simple  tastes  and  manners. 
Let  me  introduce  him  to  you.  He  was  a  medium-sized, 
broad-shouldered  young  fellow,  about  twenty-six  or  seven 
years  of  age ;  his  features  were  tolerably  well  marked ;  his 
eyes,  dark  gray  in  color,  had  a  habit  of  looking  you  straight 
in  the  face,  as  if  they  had  no  fear  of  your  reading  anything 
wrong  in  their  depths;  and  his  mustache  and  hair  were 
chestnut  in  color.  That's  a  skeleton  merely ;  you  must  let 
imagination  do  its  duty,  and  place  the  flesh  on  the  bones. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  5 

Our  hero  was  a  lawyer  by  trade,  — there,  I  am  compelled 
to  apologize  at  once  for  that  word.  Of  course  I  might  erase 
it,  but  I  have  resolved  to  write  this  story  currents  calamo, 
and  so  I  must  apologize.  Instead  of  trade,  I  should  have 
said  profession,  for  it  seems  that  the  man  who  builds  a  house 
or  a  piano  has  a  trade,  while  a  man  who  uses  books  for 
tools,  and  presents  paper  covered  with  writing  as  his  handi- 
work, is  a  member  of  a  profession.  Ah,  well !  I  bow  to 
general  opinion,  and  respect  the  mysteries  of  words.  Our 
hero,  then,  was  a  lawyer  by  profession,  —  a  young  lawyer. 
Did  you  ever  study  that  lusus  natures,  a  young  lawyer?  Not 
the  kind  that  you  find  in  novels,  but  the  real  genuine,  simon- 
pure  article?  Of  course,  I  am  well  aware  that  in  novels 
there  is  put  into  the  hands  of  a  young  lawyer,  as  soon  as  he 
is  admitted  to  the  bar,  some  important  case,  which  he  tries 
(if  the  novelist  is  to  be  believed)  in  a  manner  that  would 
cause  old  practitioners  to  explode  with  laughter.  Of  course 
he  is  successful,  and  of  course  business  flows  in  upon  him. 
Well,  it  isn't  that  kind  of  a  lawyer  that  I  desire  to  intro- 
duce to  you.  In  real  life  the  young  lawyer  is  allowed  by 
his  friends  to  struggle  with  their  petty  business,  and  is  very 
fortunate  if  he  can  revel  in  suits  on  promissory  notes. 

Our  friend  Jonas  had  picked  up  a  fair  amount  of  legal 
business,  enough  to  provide  him  with  means  of  subsistence, 
and  something  over ;  his  prospects  were  tolerably  fair,  and, 
considering  his  age,  he  was  well  on  his  way  to  the  position 
of  Chief  Justice  of  the  United  States,  which,  I  suppose, 
must  be  the  goal  of  every  lawyer's  ambition,  because  it  is 
well  known  that  that  place  is  given  for  merit,  —  except  of 


6  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

course  in  those  few  cases,  where  it  has  gone  to  an  incumbent 
on  the  ground  on  which  maidens  are  popularly  supposed  to 
distribute  their  kisses,  i.  e.,  by  favor. 

Jonas  probably  burned  some  midnight  oil  (I  believe  that 
is  the  regulation  thing  to  do  in  the  profession),  but  not 
enough  to  hurt  him,  and  he  managed  to  find  time  to  make 
himself  quite  a  favorite  in  the  set  in  which  he  moved 
socially.  He  was  decidedly  fond  of  society ;  but,  though  he 
had  flirted  on  the  edge  of  the  love-precipice  several  times, 
he  had  never  tumbled  over^  and  so,  at  the  time  he  is  pre- 
sented to  you,  that  piece  of  internal  furniture,  which  he 
called  his  heart,  was  still  safe  and  sound. 


CHAPTER  H. 

HOW   COLONELS   WERE   MADE. 

DOUBTLESS  most  of  you  are  familiar  with  the  story  of  the 
man  who  entered  a  bar-room  in  the  West,  which  was  full  of 
loungers,  and  remarked,  "Major,  will  you  take  a  drink?" 
and  who  was  astonished  when  he  saw  every  man  in  the  room 
march  up  to  the  bar ;  but  old  stories  must  be  resuscitated 
whenever  they  will*  point  a  moral  or  adorn  a  tale. 

Prior  to  the  war  there  were  undoubtedly  many  gentlemen, 
in  this  great  land,  who  bore  military  titles  acquired  iu  a 
manner  which  would  not  bear  examination  much  better  than 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  7 

will  the  medical  diplomas  issued  by  a  certain  Philadelphia 
University.  The  war  was  a  piece  of  good  fortune  to  gentle- 
men who  wore  supposititious  military  titles.  When  about 
every  third  man  you  met  was  honestly  entitled  to  be  called 
general,  or  colonel,  or  major,  you  never  suspected  that  any 
one's  military  title  was  obtained  in  a  surreptitious  manner. 
In  order,  however,  that  I  may  not  impose  upon  your  credulity, 
I  propose  to  tell  you  exactly  how  Jonas  Smith  acquired  the 
title  of  colonel,  which  he  wore. 

Did  you  ever  examine  any  young  lawyer's  office?  No? 
Let  me  introduce  you  then  to  one,  at  once.  The  process  of 
getting  one  up  in  a  proper  shape  is  very  simple.  An  old 
lawyer,  who  possesses  a  library,  hires  a  large  room  or  a  suite 
of  rooms.  If  it  is  one  room,  that  is  divided  off  into  cubby- 
holes by  wooden  partitions ;  if  it  is  a  suite,  it  consists 
usually  of  one  large  room  and  several  very  small  ones. 
The  old  lawyer  occupies  the  largest  cubby-hole,  and  rents 
out  the  rest  of  them  to  young  lawyers.  In  his  cubby-hole 
the  young  lawyer  puts  a  desk,  a  chair  for  himself,  and  a 
chair  for  the  expected  client.  If  a  client  happens  to  appear 
ho  is  led  into  the  young  lawyer's  private  office,  i.  e.,  the 
aforesaid  cubby-hole,  and  the  people  in  the  next  cubby-hole 
are  let  into  the  client's  secrets  as  rapidly  as  the  lawyer, 
whom  he  is  consulting,  is. 

This  system  is,  of  course,  open  to  certain  objections,  but  it 
has  its  compensations.  It  is  cheap  ;  it  enables  the  neophytes 
to  aid  each  other ;  and  it  leads  to  much  fun  and  good  fellow- 
ship. All  knowledge  of  law  is  not  acquired  from  rusty 
books ;  the  rubbing  of  minds  together  puts  many  ideas  into 


8  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

the  heads  of  the  owners  of  those  minds,  and  helping  some 
one  else  is  almost  as  good  as  working  for  yourself ;  not  quite 
as  good,  because  the  human  mind  is  so  constituted  that  it 
hankers  after  shekels,  when  it  has  done  work. 

Jonas  Smith's  office  was  organized  upon  the  above-men- 
tioned plan.  The  head  of  the  office  was  an  old  fellow,  who 
had  been  at  one  time  a  justice  of  the  peace,  and  had  thus 
acquired  the  title  of  judge.  He  was  a  short,  fat,  round- 
faced,  jolly  old  fellow,  who  liked  nothing  better  than  to 
assemble  a  party  in  the  main  room,  and  to  indulge  in  queer 
stories  and  sly  jokes.  No  matter  how  friendly  he  was  with 
any  one,  that  person  was  a  proper  subject  in  his  eyes  to  put 
his  stories  or  jokes  on. 

One  day,  when  two  of  the  intimate  friends  of  Jonas  were 
sitting  with  that  gentleman  in  the  main  office,  enjoying  a 
social  chat,  the  judge  came  from  his  own  sanctum,  placed 
himself  in  front  of  the  stove,  and  waited  for  an  opportunity 
to  join  in  the  conversation.  Jonas  noticed  a  sly  twinkle  in 
the  old  fellow's  eye,  and,  suspecting  that  he  had  some  good 
story  on  hand,  remarked :  — 

"Well,  judge,  what  is  it?" 

"I  was  thinking,"  said  the  judge,  "of  your  name." 

"My  name?"  said  Jonas,  rather  sharply,  for  that  was  his 
tender  point. 

"Yes,"  said  the  judge,  as  calmly  as  if  he  supposed  Jonas 
was  very  proud  of  his  cognomen.  "Do  you  know  that  I 
never  met  but  one  Jonas  Smith  besides  you  ?  " 

"Ah,  indeed,"  said  Jonas,  a  little  sarcastically;  "who  was 
the  gentleman  ?  " 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A   COLONEL.  9 

"  Well,"  said  the  judge  very  sedately,  "he  was  quite  a  dis- 
tinguished man.  He  was  colonel  of  the  militia  up  in  the 
country,  where  I  was  brought  up." 

"  Quite  an  important  position,"  said  Jonas,  sneeringly. 

"  So  he  thought,"  replied  the  judge.  "  On  training  days 
he  would  get  as  drunk  as  an  owl,  and  wobble  about  on  his 
horse  like  a  boat  without  a  rudder.  Everybody  used  to 
roar  at  him.  But  perhaps  he  was  one  of  your  relatives," 
added  the  judge,  slyly.  . 

"No,"  said  Jonas,  contemptuously,  "I  hope  not." 

"Well,"  said  the  judge,  as  he  retired  to  his  sanctum, 
"  Colonel  Jonas  was  a  very  good  fellow,  when  he  was  sober." 

Jonas'  friends  noticed  that  the  judge's  story  had  irritated 
our  hero,  and  so  they  took  special  pains,  when  they  left  the 
office,  to  bid  him  good-by  as  Colonel  Jonas  Smith. 

From  that  day  the  nom  de  guerre,  I  suppose  it  should  be 
called,  spread  rapidly  among  all  the  acquaintances  of  Jonas, 
and  it  stuck  to  him  so  effectually  that  he  answered  to  it  as 
readily  as  he  did  to  his  own  name..  New  acquaintances 
heard  it  from  his  intimate  friends,  and,  supposing  that  it  was 
an  honest  title,  imagined  that  he  would  be  offended  if  they 
did  not  call  him  colonel.  Thus  the  nickname  became  so 
thoroughly  fastened  on  our  hero  that,  after  a  short  time,  he 
felt  no  astonishment  when  addressed  as  a  military  gentleman, 
and  no  compunctions  in  answering  to  the  title. 

In  explanation  of  the  general  belief  that  our  hero  was 
really  a  military  man,  it  must  be  borne  in  mind  that' the  war 
of  the  rebellion  had  been  finished  but  a  short  time,  and 
brigadier  generals  —  to  say  nothing  of  colonels  —  were  as 


10  THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

thick  as  blackberries.  How  was  a  stranger  to  know  that  Mr. 
Jonas  Smith  had  received  his  military  title  in  a  surreptitious 
manner  ?  Military  titles  were  so  cheap  that  no  one  would 
dream  that  any  special  one  was  not  legitimate. 

Fortunately  not  many  of  the  acquaintances  of  Jonas  were 
military  men,  except  several  members  of  a  militia  regiment. 

The  latter,  however,  could  not  very  well  object  to  his 
assumption  of  such  a  nickname,  because  every  militia  officer 
feels  in  his  heart  of  hearts  that,  no  matter  how  bravely  he 
may  carry  his  head  on  parade,  there  is  nothing  very  substan- 
tial about  his  title.  And,  if  the  citizen  soldiery  had  objected, 
what  could  Jonas  have  done  ?  Surely  nothing.  He  was  a 
colonel  notwithstanding  himself,  and,  if  he  had  wanted  to  do 
so,  he  could  not  have  dropped  the  title.  Of  course  he  could 
have  refused  to  answer  his  friends  when  they  called  him 
colonel,  and  could  have  sternly  reprimanded  strangers  for 
making  free  with  his  cognomen ;  but  everybody  knows  that 
that  line  of  conduct  would  not  have  had  the  desired  result. 
We  all  know  that  our  friends  take  special  delight  in  doing 
those  things  which  annoy  us  most,  and  strangers  would 
probably  have  resented  such  reprimands,  and  have  looked 
upon  our  hero  as  an  ill-conditioned  puppy. 

Anyhow,  right  or  wrong,  Jonas  had  become  a  colonel,' 
and  had  become  so  accustomed  to  the  name  that  he  not  only 
did  not  object  to  it,  but  answered  to  it  readily  even  when 
addressed  by  strangers. 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  11 


CHAPTER  m. 

COLONEL   WITHERS. 

EVERYBODY  knows  that  all  the  fun  in  life  is  not  found  by 
strictly  attending  to  business.  Of  course  you  are  gravely 
informed,  by  the  Gradgrinds,  that  Mr.  A.  made  his  millions 
by  plodding  at  his  avocation  "  from  morn  till  noon,  from  noon 
till  dewy  eve,"  on  every  secular  day  of  the  year.  So  be  it ! 
Let  him  keep  his  millions.  Who  would  purchase  them  at 
that  price?  Variety,  after  all,  is  the  spice  of  life,  and  I 
(mind  you  I  am  speaking  only  for  myself)  would  much 
rather  have  a  little  pleasure  on  life's  journey  than  all  the 
millions  in  Golconda.  I  (speaking  again  entirely  for  my- 
self) look  upon  business  as  a  painful  necessity  at  best,  to  be 
dropped  at  every  convenient  opportunity.  Of  course,  when 
my  imagination  is  in  a  terribly  fruitful  condition,  I  can  men- 
tally see  a  man  who  might  look  upon  business  as  pleasure. 
I  once  knew  a  man  who,  when  he  travelled  and  wanted 
something  particularly  light  and  entertaining  for  reading 
purposes,  was  accustomed  to  put  a  copy  of  Locke  on  the 
Human  Understanding  in  his  satchel.  I  feel  convinced,  how- 
ever, that  I  should  heartily  dislike  the  person  who  looked 
upon  business  as  fun,  for  I  must  say  that  I  loathed  the  Locke 
on  the  Human  Understanding  man. 


12  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

All  which  is  introductory  to  the  fact  that  Jonas  Smith 
dropped  business  for  a  short  period,  in  the  sweet  summer 
time,  and  started  for  the  White  Mountains.  Jonas  was  not 
accustomed  to  holidays,  and  naturally  enough  he  had  been 
in  some  doubt  as  to  the  best  place  in  which  to  spend  his 
vacation.  He  had  finally  decided  between  the  St.  Lawrence 
and  the  White  Mountains  by  the  turn  of  a  copper,  —  mere 
chance  !  Forgive  me,  fate  !  How  could  I  have  permitted 
such  a  word  as  chance  to  slip  in  here,  when  all  the  suc- 
ceeding pages  will  be  written  for  the  express  purpose  of 
showing  that  the  route,  which  Jonas  should  follow  on  this 
occasion,  was  marked  out  ages  and  ages  ago?  Whatever  it 
was  that  controlled  him,  certain  it  is  that  he  started  for  the 
mountains,  and  that  he  had,  at  the  time  when  we  join  him, 
reached  Boston  by  a  rather  circuitous  route. 

Jonas  stopped  at  the  Hub  Hotel.  Pshaw!  of  course  it 
isn't  in  the  Directory.  I  didn't  say  it  was ;  I  merely 
remarked  that  it  was  in  Boston.  A  great  many  people  and 
things  keep  and  are  kept  out  of  the  Directory.  Some 
persons  don't  want  to  serve  on  juries,  some  don't  want  to 
submit  to  taxation  on  their  personal  property,  and  some  are 
terribly  afraid  of  drafts.  Between  ourselves  the  proprietor 
of  this  hotel  kept  it  out  of  the  Directory.  Why?  you 
inquire.  Look  at  the  name  !  How  that  name  would  touch 
the  heart  of  a  Bostonian !  The  truth  is,  that  the  landlord 
feared  that,  if  his  house  were  well  known  in  the  city,  it 
would  be  filled  with  Bostonians.  Strange,  you  say,  that  he 
should  not  want  his  house  filled  with  Bostonians.  Not  at 
all,  I  assure  you!  Under  those  circumstances  he  would 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  13 

have  had  no  transient  guests,  and  he  would  have  been  com- 
pelled to  pay  wages  to  his  waiters. 

As  our  hero  finished  the  last  nourish  upon  the  tail-end  of 
the  signature,  which  he  had  placed  in  the  register,  the 
clerk  handed  him  some  letters. 

"Ah,  colonel,"  said  the  clerk,  "here  are  a  couple  of 
letters  for  you." 

Jonas  took  the  letters.  Sure  enough  they  were  addressed 
to  Colonel  Jonas  Smith.  He  carried  them  to  his  room,  and 
laid  them  aside,  until  he  had  made  a  temporary  separation 
between  his  body  and  the  railroad  dust  which  he  had 
collected.  Then,  having  read  his  letters,  he  marched  forth 
towards  the  dining-room.  As  he  approached  the  clerk's 
desk,  he  saw  walking  up  and  down  in  front  of  it  a  tall, 
well-built,  fine-looking  gentleman,  about  fifty-five  or  sixty 
years  of  age.  He  was  as  straight  as  an  arrow ;  every 
feature  of  his  face  was  strongly  marked ;  a  grizzled  mus- 
tache bristled  on  his  upper  lip ;  his  hair,  partly  gray,  was 
cut  short ;  his  coat  was  buttoned  closely  across  his  chest,  as 
if  he  defied  the  heat,  and  his  whole  appearance  was  that  of 
a  military  veteran  of  the  old  school. 

As  Jonas  approached  the  desk  the  clerk  saluted  him  with 
the  invitation :  — 

"  Colonel,  won't  you  take  an  appetizer  before  dinner  ?  " 

The  old  gentleman,  whose  back  was  turned  towards  the 
clerk,  wheeled  around  and  remarked :  — 

"  I  thank  you,  but  —  " 

When  Jonas  very  coolly  replied  :  — 

"I  don't  object." 


14  THE    MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL. 

The  veteran  looked  at  Jonas  in  astonishment ;  but  pres- 
ently it  entered  his  head  that  the  invitation  might  have 
been  addressed  to  our  hero. 

"  Are  you,  sir,  a  colonel?  "  asked  the  veteran. 

Jonas,  who  thought  the  inquiry  a  slightly  impertinent 
one  when  made  by  a  perfect  stranger,  did  not  see  fit  to 
explain,  and  so  he  simply  replied  :  — 

"  At  your  service,  sir." 

"  I'm  delighted,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  coming  forward, 
eagerly.  Then  he  stopped,  and  muttered,  "I  don't  know 
him  from  Adam.  I'm  falling  into  that  deuced  American 
habit  of  speaking  to  everybody." 

The  old  gentleman  turned  as  if  about  to  move  away, 
when  the  clerk  came  from  behind  the  desk,  and  addressed 
Jonas  once  more. 

"  Well,  colonel,"  said  the  clerk,  "  are  you  ready?" 

That  started  the  old  gentleman  once  more,  and  he  button- 
holed the  clerk. 

"Is  that  gentleman  one  of  your  friends?"  asked  he, 
pointing  to  Jonas. 

"Particular,  I  may  say  very  particular  friend,"  replied 
the  clerk,  promptly. 

"  And  you  know  that  he  is  a  colonel  ?  "  asked  the  veteran. 

"Know  it !  Why,  my  dear  colonel,  I  fought  in  the  same 
regiment,"  answered  the  clerk,  as  promptly  as  if  his 
imagination  were  not  unusually  vigorous. 

"  Suppose  you  introduce  me,"  suggested  the  veteran. 

"Charmed  to  do  so.  Colonel  Smith,  let  me  introduce 
Colonel  Withers  ;  Colonel  Withers,  Colonel  Smith." 


THE    MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  15 

"I'm  delighted  to  meet  you,  sir,"  said  Colonel  Withers, 
as  he  shook  hands.  "I'm  always  delighted  to  meet  a 
military  man." 

"I'm  sure  the  pleasure  is  reciprocal,"  said  Jonas,  who 
resolved,  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  to  allow  the  old  gentle- 
man to  think  that  he  was  a  real  colonel. 

"And  now,  gentlemen,  about  that  appetizer?"  said  the 
clerk. 

Whereupon  they  all  adjourned  to  the  bar-room,  and 
drank  to  their  new-made  friendship. 

Colonel  Withers  was  very  pompous  and  dignified  in  his 
manner ;  but,  to  a  military  gentleman,  he  was  a  very  pleas- 
ant companion.  Jonas  and  he  stood  chatting  in  the  bar- 
room for  some  little  time,  until  our  hero  finally  recollected 
that  he  had  started  for  the  dining-room.  Then  he  sug- 
gested to  Colonel  Withers  that,  as  he  was  extraordinarily 
hungry,  he  would  go  to  dinner,  if  the  colonel  would  excuse 
him. 

"No,"  said  Colonel  Withers,  "I  can't  lose  you  so  soon. 
When  I  meet  a  military  gentleman  I  stick  close  to  him. 
It's  just  my  dinner-hour,  and,  if  you'll  step  into  the  parlor 
with  me,  I'll  introduce  you  to  my  daughter,  and  we'll  go  to 
dinner  together." 

What  could  Jonas  do  under  the  circumstances,  except 
submit?  As  he  looked  at  the  well-marked  features  of  the 
colonel,  he  pictured  in  his  mind  the  daughter  as  a  tall, 
raw-boned  lady,  with  strong  features,  like  unto  her  sire's, 
and  spectacles,  — of  course  spectacles  ;  for,  curiously  enough, 
nature  has  always  provided  that  kind  of  female  with  eyes 


16  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

that  require  spectacles.  Still  there  was  no  way  of  avoiding 
the  infliction  for  the  present,  though  Jonas  resolved  that  he 
would  escape  the  female  dragoon's  clutches,  if  he  were 
compelled  to  change  his  hotel. 

"  Come  along,  colonel,"  said  Colonel  Withers. 

Then  he  linked  his  arm  in  that  of  Jonas,  and  led  our  hero 
like  a  lamb  to  the  —  parlor. 

As  they  walked  slowly  along  the  hall-way,  Jonas  could 
not  avoid  glancing  occasionally  at  the  stony,  hard  features 
of  the  colonel,  and  wondering  how  lie  had  thus  allowed 
himself  to  be  taken  possession  of.  Then  the  vision  of  the 
female,  he  had  conjured  up  in  his  mind,  kept  flitting  before 
his  mental  vision ;  and-  he  shuddered  as  he  thought  of  the 
unknown  ills  he  was  daring.  For  a  moment  the  idea  took 
possession  of  his  mind  that  he  had  better  take  to  his  heels, 
and  fly  at  once,  but  he  felt  that  that  performance  would  be 
not  only  ridiculous,  but  weak. 

The  colonel  walked  along  by  the  side  of  Jonas  in  complete 
silence  ;  not  a  word  did  he  utter ;  not  an  explanation  did  he 
breathe.  Jonas,  who  was  looking  forward  to  something 
decidedly  unpleasant,  also  advanced  in  silence.  The  parlor 
was  located  at  a  considerable  distance  from  the  bar-room,  in 
fact  at  the  other  end  of  the  house,  on  the  floor  above.  Finally 
they  reached  the  stairs ;  slowly  they  ascended  the  steps,  and, 
in  a  moment,  stood  on  the  threshold  of  the  parlor. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  17 


CHAPTER  IV. 

KITTY   WITHERS. 

THEY  walked  into  the  room.  Jonas  was  prepared  to  meet 
the  strong-minded,  spectacled  daughter  of  the  colonel,  whom 
he  had  pictured  to  himself,  in  a  very  dignified  and  distant 
manner.  He  had  made  up  his  mind  to  address  a  few 
commonplace  remarks  to  her,  to  escort  her,  if  compelled  to 
do  so,  to  dinner,  and  then  to  escape  from  her  presence  at  the 
earliest  possible  moment.  When  he  entered  the  room  he 
was  as  dignified  as  a  pasha  with  ten  or  twelve  tails,  and  as 
solemn  as  an  owl.  He  was  somewhat  astonished  therefore, 
when  a  very  beautiful  young  girl  rose  from  a  sofa,  on  which 
she  had  been  sitting,  seized  Colonel  Withers'  arm,  and 
exclaimed :  — 

"  O  papa,  do  you  propose  to  starve  me  ?  " 

"  Not  a  bit,  Kitty,"  replied  the  colonel ;  "  but  let  me 
introduce  my  friend,  Colonel  Smith;  Colonel  Smith,  my 
daughter." 

Jonas  was,  it  must  be  admitted,  somewhat  dumfounded,, 
but  he  recovered  his  presence  of  mind  sufficiently  to  enable 
him  to  make  one  or  two  remarks  before  the  party  started  for 
the  dining-room.  Then  they  all  left  the  parlor,  and  marched 
slowly,  but  surely,  towards  the  room  in  which  the  most 


18  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

important  part  of  man's  life  is  passed.  Colonel  Withers 
was  good-natured  enough  to  walk  a  few  feet  in  front  of  the 
rest  of  the  party,  and  thus  enable  them  to  become  better 
acquainted. 

"  Colonel  Smith,"  said  Miss  Kitty,  and  then  she  hesitated 
as  if  she  were  afraid  that  she  might  go  too  far. 

"  I  am  all  ears,"  said  he,  smiling. 

"  But  I  fear  that  you  may  think  that  I  am  rude." 

"Well,  ask  the  question,  and  I  promise  to  tell  you  if  I 
think  so." 

"Has  papa  known  you  long?"  asked  she,  looking  eagerly 
into  his  face. 

"The  whole  of  half  an  hour." 

"Half  an  hour,  and  he  calls  you  his  friend !"  said  she, 
with  a  puzzled  expression. 

"He  has  done  me  that  honor." 

" "  I  never  knew  him  to  do  such  a  thing  before ;  but  then 
perhaps  some  particular  friend  recommended  you  to  him." 

"Yes,  a  particular  friend  of  your  humble  servant  did  so." 

"  Might  one  ask  who  he  is  ?  " 

"Certainly;  he  is — your  humble  servant." 

Kitty  laughed  gayly  as  they  entered  the  dining-room.  The 
colonel  led  the  way  to  his  table,  and  Kitty  and  Jonas 
followed  him. 

"By  the  way,  colonel,"  said  Colonel  Withers,  when  they 
had  taken  their  seats,  "my  daughter  and  I  take  turns  in 
ordering  dinner.  It  is  her  turn  to-day,  but  of  course  you 
will  order  what  you  please." 

"Not  at  all,"  replied  Jonas.     "I  hope  Miss  Withers  will 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL.  19 

include  me  in  the  party,  and  order  my  dinner  with  the 
rest." 

"I'll  try,"  said  Kitty.     " Let's  see.     Soup  consomme  —  " 

"That  means  consumed,  doesn't  it?"  asked  Jonas. 

"  Not  so  bad  as  that,"  replied  Kitty,  "  for,  on  that  principle 
of  translation,  the  cafe,  glace,  at  the  other  end  of  the  bill, 
—  would  mean  coffee  in  glasses.  Of  course  you  will  have 
maccaroni  soup." 

"Of  course,"  replied  Jonas.  "You  made  a  very  good 
guess  as  to  my  taste  there." 

Colonel  Withers  laughed  vigorously  at  the  words  of  Jonas, 
much  to  the  latter's  astonishment. 

"Why,  wasn't  it  a  good  guess?"  inquired  Jonas.  . 

"  Very,"  solemnly  replied  Kitty,  "  inasmuch  as  there  is  no 
other  kind  to-day." 

They  all  laughed  merrily  at  her  remark,  and  the  dinner 
started  off  under  good  auspices. 

Jonas  managed  to  do  his  duty  as  a  boarder  at  the  hotel ; 
and  yet,  while  industriously  plying  his  knife  and  fork,  he 
found  time  to  scan  Miss  Kitty's  form  and  features,  and  they 
were  well  worthy  of  an  examination.  She  was  tall  for  a 
woman,  had  a  fine,  though  not  slight  figure,  possessed 
rather  dainty  .features,  eyes  that,  though  they  were  blue, 
just'  bordered  on  gray,  and  light  auburn  hair.  When  in 
repose  her  features  presented  a  rather  solemn  appearance, 
as  do  all  faces  which  have  intellect  behind  them ;  but,  when 
her  eyes  lit  up  and  a  smile  played  over  her  face,  nothing 
could  be  more  bright  and  sparkling  than  her  countenance. 

The  colonel  was  evidently  very  fond  of  his  fair  daughter, 


20  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

and  it  was  apparent,  to  the  most  casual  observer,  that  Miss 
Kitty  could  dp  almost  anything  she  pleased  with  her  doting 
father. 

Perhaps  it  may  be  well  to  explain,  before  going  further, 
who  our  hero's  new  friends  were.  Colonel  Withers  had 
been  the  lieutenant-colonel  of  a  regiment  in  the  English 
army,  but  was  now  on  the  retired  list.  He  had  visited  New 
York  in  accordance  with  the  advice  of  his  physician,  and 
had  been  quietly  domiciled  there  more  than  six  months ;  in 
fact  he  had  not  left  the  city  after  his  arrival  there,  until  the 
advent  of  summer  had  started  him  on  the  regulation  Ameri- 
can pilgrimage  to  a  watering-place.  Kitty  was  the  only 
member  of  his  family  now  living,  and  all  the  affection  of  her 
father  seemed  to  be  centred  in  her ;  but  then  Kitty  repaid  his 
love  heartily,  and  the  colonel  generally  indulged  her  most 
thoroughly.  Kitty  was  much  more  like  an  American  than 
an  English  girl, — more  free  in  her  manners,  less  cold,  and 
dignified  and  distant,  than  most  English  young  ladies  appear 
to  be.  Perhaps  the  fact  that  she  had  been  for  so  long  a 
time  —  ever  since  her  mother's  death,  three  years  before  we 
present  her  —  the  mistress  of  her  father's  household  may 
account  for  that ;  and  perhaps  it  may  have  been  merely  her 
natural  disposition. 

As  our  party  was  idling  over  the  nuts  and  raisins,  Jonas 
suggested :  — 

"  I  am  very  sorry  that  I  shall  be  compelled  to  leave  such 
pleasant  company  so  soon." 

"  Why,"  asked  Colonel  Withers,  "  must  you  go  at  once  ?" 

"In  the  morning,"  replied  Jonas. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  21 

"  Ah,"  sighed  Kitty,  "  we  leave  at  some  wretchedly  early 
hour." 

"  Which  way  do  you  go?  "  asked  Colonel  Withers. 

"  To  the  White  Mountains,"  replied  Jonas. 

"Why,  papa,"  said  Kitty,  and  then  she  stopped  suddenly. 

"  Yes,"  said  her  father,"  we  are  going  to  the  same  place, 
and,  if  not  disagreeable  to  you,  I  don't  see  why  we  can't 
travel  together." 

Kitty's  eyes  sparkled  as  she  looked  at  Jonas,  as  if  she  also 
was  thinking  that  she  could  not  see  why  they  could  not 
travel  together. 

"I  should  like  it  very  much,"  said  Jonas,  casting  upon 
Kitty  a  glance  of  admiration,  under  which  her  eyes  fell. 

So  they  arranged  the  details  of  the  route  then  and  there. 
As  they  left  the  dining-room  Jonas  excused  himself  for  the 
afternoon,  by  informing  them  that  it  was  absolutely  neces- 
sary that  he  should  call  upon  a  friend. 

"  But  you  will  drop  into  our  box  at  the  Globe  this  even- 
ing ?  "  said  the  colonel. 

Jonas  read  an  invitation  in  Kitty's  eyes,  and  assured  the 
colonel  that  he  would. 


CHAPTEE  V. 

DRILLING   A  COLONEL. 

Now  when  Jonas  made  that  statement,  that  it  was  abso- 
lutely necessary  that  he  should  call  upon  a  friend,  it  must 


22  THE   MAN   WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

be  admitted  that  he  wandered  a  little  from  the  exact  truth. 
However,  the  truth  is  sometimes  a  very  unpleasant  com- 
panion, and  even  a  hero  may  be  pardoned  if  he  occasionally, 
very  occasionally  of  course,  stray  away  from  such  an  asso- 
ciate. It  was  not  at  all  necessary  that  he  should  call  upon 
his  friend ;  in  fact,  prior  to  meeting  Miss  Kitty,  he  had  not 
had  the  most  remote  intention  of  calling  on  his  friend,  but 
during  dinner-hour  he  had  reasoned  himself  into  a  belief 
that  that  visit  was  an  absolute  necessity. 

You  see,  the  colonel's  daughter  was  very  pretty, — uncom- 
monly pretty  would  not  be  too  strong  a  way  of  putting  it ; 
she  had  taken  captive  Jonas'  fancy,  and  that  gentleman 
surmised  that  she  would  be  a  ve"ry  pleasant  companion 
among  the  mountains.  To  keep  near  the  daughter,  how- 
ever, it  was  necessary  that  he  should  sometimes  interest  the 
father.  Now  he  had  been  introduced  to  the  father  as  a 
colonel ;  in  fact,  he  had  admitted  to  the  old  gentleman  that 
he  was  a  colonel,  and  he  felt  that  he  could  not  have  attained 
his  present  position  in  the  colonel's  family  except  as  a 
colonel.  It  was  absolutely  necessary,  then,  that  he  should 
sustain,  at  least  decently,  the  character  in  which  he  had 
started.  How  was  he  to  do  that?  Of  course  he  had  the 
general  stock  of  information  with  regard  to  our  late  war, 
which  is  possessed  by  most  intelligent  people ;  but  that 
would  not  be  sufficient  for  a  colonel.  He  knew,  for  in- 
stance, that  there  had  been  a  battle  at  Gettysburg;  but 
whether  the  Union  forces  were  there  located  on  a  hill  and 
the  Confederates  in  a  valley,  —  whether  the  right  wing  or  the 
left  wing  of  either  army  rested  on  a  river,  or  a  house,  or 


THE    MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL.  23 

was  in  the  air,  —  were  unknown  facts  to  him.  And  yet,  if  he 
intended  to  be  a  colonel,  even  a  pseudo-colonel,  he  must 
mark  out  the  battles  at  which  he  had  been  present.  He 
could,  of  course,  have  placed  himself  in  the  rear  guard,  but 
that  would  have  been  contra  dig.,  and  it  would  probably 
have  disgusted  the  colonel.  Now,  Jonas  had  a  friend  in 
Boston,  who  was  a  real  major,  and  he  resolved  to  go  to  that 
gentleman,  get  a  few  hints  for  his  guidance  in  the  future, 
and  borrow  some  military  works  and  a  history  o'f  the  civil 
war. 

Thus  our  hero  reasoned.  See  how  plain  a  story  will  put 
him  down.  He  could  have  gone  to  Colonel  Withers,  and 
said,  "  Sir,  I  am  not  a  colonel.  I  have  never  been  in  the 
army." 

To  be  sure,  Colonel  Withers  woulcj  probably  have  replied, 
?t  Then,  sir,  I  wish  you  a  very  good  day." 

That  would  have  been  unpleasant,  but  it  shows  that  there 
was  no  real  necessity  for  the  visit  which  Jonas  proposed  to 
make.  Unfortunately,  if  Colonel  Withers  should  thus  cast 
him  off,  he  would  be  driven  from  the  presence  of  Miss 
Kitty,  and  —  well,  he  really  wanted  to  become  better 
acquainted  with  that  little  lady.  So  off  Jonas  went  to  call 
on  Major  Vinturn. 

Major  Vinturn  lived  in  a  pleasant  little  cottage  in  Cam- 
bridge, and,  when  Jonas  reached  the  house,  the  major  and 
his  wife  were  sitting  on  the  piazza,  enjoying  the  cool  after- 
noon breeze.  Of  course  they  welcomed  Jonas  heartily,  and 
made  much  of  him.  So  full  was  he  of  his  subject,  that 
hardly  were  the  greetings  over,  when  he  burst  forth  :  — 


24  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"I  say,  major,  make  a  colonel  of  me." 

Mrs.  Vinturn,  who  was  a  tall  brunette,  of  a  lively  disposi- 
tion, laughed  vigorously  at  this  remark.  The  major,  a 
rather  tall,  sedate-looking  man,  took  it  more  seriously,  and 
replied :  — 

"  Pooh,  Jonas,  don't  be  so  modest !  Ask  for  a  major-gen- 
eralship at  once." 

"  Pshaw ! "  said  Jonas.     "  I  don't  mean  that." 

"Honestly,  however,"  said  the  major,  "when  I  am 
elected  president,  you  shall  be  appointed  to  the  first  vacant 
colonelcy." 

All  this  amused  Mrs.  Vinturn,  and  she  laughed  merrily  at 
Jonas. 

"What  I  want,"  said  Jonas,  "is  to  know  what  a  colonel 
does  and  says." 

"Well,"  said  the  major,  "he  struts  around  a  good  deal, 
puts  on  a  great  many  airs,  and  says  very  little." 

" Then  I  think,"  said  Jonas,  "that  I  can  do  that." 

"Yes,  I  think  so,"  said  Mrs.  Vinturn,  "as  far  as  the 
strutting  goes." 

"  You  know,"  said  the  major,  "  a  fellow  gets  a  deuce  of  a 
reputation  for  cleverness,  if  he  only  looks  wise,  and  keeps 
his  mouth  shut  all  the  time." 

"Come,"  said  Mrs.  Vinturn,  "  tell  us  all  about  it." 

Then  Jonas  told  them  about  his  new  acquaintances,  painted 
the  colonel  in  sombre  and  Miss  Kitty  in  glowing  colors,  and 
told  them  how  he  feared  that,  if  the  colonel  found  out  that 
he  was  an  impostor,  he  would  prevent  him  from  becoming 
better  acquainted  with  the  fair  Miss  Kitty. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  25 

"  Now,"  said  Jonas,  "you  know  just  what  I  want ;  so  drill 
me  in  my  business  as  rapidly  as  you  can." 

"  But  I  have  some  doubts,"  said  the  major,  slyly,  "as  to 
the  propriety  of  such  a  line  of  conduct." 

"  Pshaw  !  "  said  Jonas. 

"But  hear  me,"  continued  the  major.  "Here  you  propose 
to  foist  yourself  upon  an  unsuspecting  old  gentleman  as  a 
colonel,  when  you  are  not  even  a  high  private,  and  you 
want  to  make  me  a  particeps  criminis  before  the  act. 
Eeally,  my  dear  fellow,  that's  stretching  friendship." 

"  Now  I'll  leave  it  to  Mrs.  Vinturn,  if  it  is  not  fair  enough 
under  the  circumstances." 

"  Of  course  it  is,"  replied  that  lady.  "  All  things  are  fair 
in  love.  Besides,  what  right  has  the  father  to  prevent  any 
one  but  a  military  gent  from  enjoying  the  society  of  his 
daughter  ?  " 

"  Well,"  said  the  major,  "  if  the  wife  of  my  bosom  thus 
turns  against  me,  I  am  at  your  service.  Now,  if  you'll 
come  out  into  the  garden,  and  let  Mrs.  Vinturn  look  after 
tea,  I'll  instruct  you." 

"  But  why  can't  I  see  the  performance  ? "  asked  Mrs. 
Vinturn. 

"  My  dear,"  said  her  husband,  "  I  am  only  a  major,  and  I 
have  a  vague  impression  that  you  already  fill  the  position  of 
lieutenant-colonel.  That's  quite  high  enough  for  me." 

"Well,"  said  Mrs.  Vinturn,  laughing,  "don't  stay  more 
than  an  hour." 

Jonas  and  the  major  strolled  into  the  garden,  and  the 
major  poured  forth  such  suggestions  as  he  could  think  of  in 


26  THE   MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL. 

the  brief  •period  at  his  command.  Then  they  returned  and 
took  tea  with  Mrs.  Vinturn.' 

Jonas  had  scarcely  time  to  enjoy  his  cigar  before  he  was 
compelled  to  start  forth  in  order  to  keep  his  engagement  at 
the  theatre.  Of  course  he  could  have  stayed  at  the  major's 
and  missed  the  engagement.  Would  you  have  done  so? 
My  dear  sir,  I  don't  believe  you  would. 

Jonas  enjoyed  himself  very  much  at  the  theatre,  and 
when  they  reached  the  hotel  and  said  good-night  he  quite 
rejoiced  in  the  reflection  that  they  would  meet  on  the  mor- 
row. As  soon  as  he  had  reached  his  room  he  attacked  the 
books  which  the  major  had  sent  to  his  hotel.  History  is 
very  interesting  reading,  and  Jonas  would  probably  have 
known  all  about  the  battle  of  Antietam,  if,  unfortunately,  the 
page  of  the  book  had  not  been  constantly  covered  by  a  bright, 
charming  face,  that  seemed  to  smile  at  him.  He  fell  to  day- 
dreaming, and  when  he  finally  closed  the  volume  he  went  to 
bed  with  but  a  slight  increase  of  his  stock  of  information, 
and  there  he  fell  to  dreaming  again,  —  real  dreaming  on  this 
occasion. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

JOUBNEYING. 

ON  the  following  morning  Jonas  did  not  succeed  in  rising 
as  early  as  he  had  intended ;  so  that,  when  he  reached  the 
parlor,  he  found  the  colonel  and  his  fair  daughter  waiting 


THE   MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  27 

for  him.  Jonas  made  his  excuses  as  well  as  he  could,  charg- 
ing his  dilatoriness  to  the  book  he  had  read(  !) . 

"  Have  you  heard,  Colonel  Smith,  of  the  new  proverb  they 
have  discovered  in  Pompeii  ?  "  asked  Miss  Kitty. 

"  No,  indeed,"  replied  he.     "  What  is  it?  " 

"  'The  early  bird  catches  the  worm.'" 

"But  it  strikes  me  that  I  have  heard  that  before." 

"  Can  it  be  possible  ?  Well,  in  this  case  the  worm  is 
breakfast,  and  I  fear  we  may  lose  it." 

"  There's  some  danger  of  that,"  added  Colonel  Withers. 

«  Well  then,"  said  Jonas,  "  en  avant" 

Now  there  are  a  thousand-and-one  places  to  which  a 
tourist  can  go,  and  there  are  many  ways  by  which  a  tourist 
can  go  to  them,  but  the  experienced  traveller  finds  very  few 
spots  at  which  he  likes  to  tarry,  and  the  means  of  convey- 
ance to  them  very  limited.  It's  all  very  well  for  corpora- 
tions to  advertise  that  they  will  take  you  through  to  your 
destination,  without  change,  by  a  route  which  is  one  mile 
shorter  in  space  and  five  minutes  shorter  in  time  than  that 
of  any  opposition  line ;  it's  all  very  well  for  commercial 
travellers  and  gentlemen  of  that  kind ;  but  the  real  tourist 
does  not  pine  after  anything  of  that  sort.  Make  the  route 
attractive,  and  the  length  of  it  will  not  be  troublesome. 
Sitting  in  a  railroad  car  during  the  whole  day,  admiring 
virgin  forests,  may  be  sport  to  some  folks,  but  then  those 
people  would  probably  get  fun  out  of  the  elevating  occupa- 
tion of  sitting  in  their  back-yards  a,nd  gazing  upon  a  potato 
patch.  Anyhow  our  party  did  not  select  the  through  route  ; 
they  went  by  a  road  which  offered  at  least  a  little  variety. 


28  THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

From  Boston  they  went  by  rail  to  Weirs  on  Lake  Winui- 
piseogee.  When  they  entered  the  drawing-room  car,  Jonas 
took  particular  pains  to  put  Miss  Kitty  between  her  father 
and  himself.  Then,  whenever  the  old  colonel  attempted  to 
talk  to  him,  he  pretended  that  the  noise  of  the  train  pre- 
vented him  from  hearing,  and  thus  compelled  the  old  gentle- 
man to  screech  out  every  observation  that  he  made.  This 
sort  of  conversation  soon  wearied  the  veteran,  and  then 
Jonas  plied  him  with  the  newspapers,  with  which  he  had 
provided  himself  for  that  purpose.  Thus  Jonas  was  at  lib- 
erty to  exert  himself  in  efforts  to  amuse  Miss  Kitty.  Xat- 
urally  enough  the  first  subject  was  the  scenery.  The 
weather  and  the  scenery  are  the  Scylla  and  Charybdis  of 
conversation ;  if  you  avoid  one  you  fall  into  the  other. 

"  Of  course  you'll  be  horrified,"  said  Kitty,  "  when  I  tell 
you  that  I  don't  as  a  rule  adore  scenery." 

"  I  am  rather  astonished,"  replied  he. 

"Oh,  I  know  that  it  is  customary  for  young  ladies  to  gush 
over  scenery ;  but  you  must  have  noticed  that  they  do  it 
over  all  scenery." 

Jonas  was  compelled  to  admit  that  they  did. 

"That  simply  shows,"  continued  she,  "that  they  do  not 
appreciate  it  at  all." 

Jonas  looked  somewhat  mystified. 

"Of  course,"  added  she,  "there  are  scenes  which  I  admire 
very  much,  but  I  don't  think  that  every  particle  of  landscape 
is  something  to  marvel  at." 

Jonas  had  never  thought  of  that  before.  He  had  been 
accustomed,  as  most  people  are,  to  assent  when  asked  if  the 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  29 

scenery  before  him  was  not  beautiful,  without  reflecting  that 
discrimination  is  the  very  soul  of  true  admiration.  He  began 
to  think  that  Miss  Kitty  was  at  least  a  young  lady,  who  had 
opinions  of  her  own,  and  who,  unlike  the  majority  of  her  sex 
and  age,  was  not  afraid  to  express  them.  He  was  further 
strengthened  in  this  view  when  she  pointed  out  to  him 
several  delicious  bits  of  landscape,  which  he  was  compelled 
to  admit  showed  excellent  taste  on  her  part. 

There  is  not  usually  a  lack  of  conversation  between  an 
intelligent  young  couple,  especially  when  the  lady  has  views 
of  her  own  which  she  is  able  to  express  ;  and  so  they  ram- 
bled on  in  their  talk  over  books,  and  plays,  and  actors,  and 
even  glided  around  the  edges  of  that  terrible  maelstrom, 
society.  To  be  sure  they  often  differed,  but  that  led  to 
discussion,  and  gave  zest  to  the  conversation.  Altogether 
Jonas  was  having  a  very  pleasant  time ;  for  a  woman,  who 
has  wit  enough  to  keep  your  intellect  constantly  on  the 
qui  vive,  is  rare  company. 

Presently  the  colonel  finished  his  papers.  Then  he  took 
off  his  glasses  and  looked  at  Jonas  and  Kitty.  As  he  gazed 
at  them  the  thought  came  into  his  mind  that  this  new 
acquaintance,  about  whom  he  knew  nothing,  was  becoming 
uncommonly  well  acquainted  with  Miss  Kitty.  Now  that 
was  not  what  he  had  intended  by  any  means,  but  what  could 
he  do  at  the  present  moment?  He  thought  it  over  slowly 
and  carefully.  If  he  had  been  called  upon  to  lead  a  regi- 
ment against  thousands  of  howling  East  Indian  savages  he 
would  have  known  what  to  do ;  but  how  to  prevent  this 
budding  intimacy  was  a  conundrum  which  he  could  not 


30  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

solve.  The  worst  of  it  was  that  he  was  not  quite  sure  that 
he  desired  to  prevent  it.  Kitty  was  young,  and  naturally 
enjoyed  the  society  of  young  people  ;  if  this  youthful  colonel 
could  amuse  her,  why  should  he  not  be  allowed  to  do  so?. 
The  colonel  thought,  and  thought,  and  thought  about  this 
matter  and  —  fell  asleep. 

Jonas  and  Kitty  meanwhile  were  becoming  quite  well 
acquainted  with  each  other,  and  Jonas  thanked  his  stars  that 
he  had  not  informed  the  old  gentleman  that  his  title  was  only 
a  nickname,  for  he  found  that  Miss  Kitty  was  a  delightful 
companion.  The  old  colonel  slept  on,  and  the  young  colonel 
chatted  on,  until  they  reached  Weirs. 


CHAPTEK  VH. 

A  DAY   AT    CENTRE   HARBOR. 

THEY  arrived  at  Weirs.  Here,  according  to  the  pro- 
gramme, they  were  to  have  embarked  on  a  steamboat,  but, 
alas !  that  fickle  means  of  conveyance  had  unfortunately 
broken  some  of  the  manifold  intricate  pieces  of  iron,  which 
formed  her  motive-power,  and  she  lay,  like  some  wounded 
Titan,  at  the  dock,  quite  incapable  of  accomplishing  her 
usual  work.  Some  six-seated  wagons  had,  however,  been 
sent  for  the  passengers,  and  presently  they  hurried  therein. 
Unfortunately  the  colonel  was  rather  slow  in  his  movements, 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  31 

so  that  all  the  passengers,  except  his  party,  had  ensconced 
themselves  in  the  wagons  before  he  reached  them.  And  it 
was  raining;  that  is  the  way  they  put  it  in  that  country, 
but  in  our  more  civilized  community  we  would  have  said 
that  it  was  raining  cats  and  dogs.  Every  seat  in  the  wagons 
was  full ;  there  was  nothing  better  for  them  than  a  seat  with 
the  driver.  It  took  some  little  time  for  that  fact  to  impress 
itself  on  Colonel  Withers'  mind.  Then  he  glared  at  every- 
body. 

"Some  of  these  people  might  give  a  lady  a  seat,"  gruffly 
said  Colonel  Withers. 

Not  a  soul  stirred.  There  were  men  inside,  but,  under 
the  circumstances,  they  declined  to  move.  Every  one  waited 
for  some  one  else.  You  see  in  a  car  it's  all  very  well  for  a 
man  to  rise  and  offer  his  seat  to  a'lady ;  there  the  fair  lady 
is  before  your  eyes,  and  the  only  punishment  you  suffer  is 
that  of  being  compelled  to  stand.  Here,  unfortunately,  the 
lady  was  so  wrapped  up  that  no  one  could  tell  whether  she 
was  fair  or  otherwise,  and  the  rain  outside  was  falling  very 
rapidly. 

"  Pooh,  papa  ! "  said  Miss  Kitty.  w  I  am  wrapped  up  in  my 
waterproof,  and  we  all  have  umbrellas;  we'll  sit  on  the 
driver's  seat." 

So  they  sat  on  the  driver's  seat,  and  that  gentleman  sat  on 
the  dashboard. 

Kitty  hid  herself  under  an  umbrella ;  the  colonel  did 
likewise,  and  Jonas  followed  their  example.  The  wind, 
however,  continually  played  elfish  tricks  with  their  means  of 
shelter  ;  at  which  performances  the  colonel  became  enraged. 


32  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Eatty,  on  the  other  hand,  laughed  heartily  at  their  mishaps, 
and,  as  Jonas  assisted  her  in  that  occupation,  the  colonel 
finally  joined  in.  Then,  as  Kitty  insisted  upon  holding  her 
own  umbrella,  and  as  that  required  both  her  hands,  Jonas 
was  of  course  compelled,  whenever  her  waterproof  blew 
open  or  the  cape  on  it  blew  in  her  face,  to  wrap  it  around 
her  more  carefully,  or  to  remove  the  obnoxious  garment 
from  her  face,  even  at  the  risk  of  touching  her  cheeks.  As 
she  turned  her  bright,  laughing  countenance  to  him,  and 
thanked  him  for  his  attentions,  Jonas  again  felt  very 
strongly  that  Miss  Kitty  was  a  charming  companion,  and 
that  he  must  by  all  means  keep  on  the  military  side  of  her 
father,  —  at  least  for  the  present. 

Centre  Harbor  is  quite  a  little  distance  from  Weirs,  as  the 
road  runs,  and  yet  what  with  fixing  Kitty's  waterproof, 
straightening  her  umbrella,  laughing  at  her  and  his  own 
mishaps  and  chatting  gayly,  Jonas  was  quite  astonished 
when  they  reached  their  hotel.  Fortunately  the  rain  was 
only  a  summer  shower,  and  so,  when  they  reached  Centre 
Harbor,  the  last  drops  were  falling  from  the  sky,  and  the 
sun  was  breaking  through  the  clouds.  Of  course  every- 
body was  ravenously  hungry,  and  so  everybody  hurried 
from  their  rooms  to  the  dining-hall.  When  Kitty  entered, 
escorted  by  her  father  and  Jonas,  freed  from  her  wraps, 
quite  a  number  of  young  men  who  had  occupied  seats 
inside  the  stages  regretted  that  they  had  been  so  short- 
sighted. 

After  dinner  everybody  strolled  out  to  examine  the  place. 
There  was,  it  must  be  admitted,  very  little  to  see.  Centre 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  33 

Harbor  would  have  been  just  the  spot  for  the  man  who, 
when  he  went  into  the  country,  wanted  to  go  into  the 
country.  However,  the  broad  expanse  of  the  lake  stretches 
before  the  house,  and  one  who  is  fond  of  water  scenery 
can  enjoy  himself  thoroughly  at  Winnipiseogee.  Our 
party  strolled  around  the  lawn  for  a  while,  looked  into  the 
.billiard-room  and  bowling-alley,  and  then,  taking  a  boat, 
went  out  on  the  lake.  Jonas  kept  the  boat  gently  moving, 
while  Kitty,  in  a  low,  sweet  voice,  sang  them  dainty  airs. 
Thus  they  spent  the  afternoon. 

In  the  evening,  after  supper,  they  sat  on  the  piazza,  and 
watched  the  moonbeams  as  they  glanced  on  the  bosom  of  the 
lake. 

"Come,  Colonel  Smith,"  said  the  real  colonel,  " tell  us 
some  of  your  army  experiences." 

Kitty  looked  at  him  eagerly  as  if  she,  too,  would  like  to 
hear  some  of  his  army  experiences. 

"Excuse  me,  colonel,"  said  Jonas,  "  but  diet  you.  ever  see 
Robertson's 'School'?" 

"  Did  I  ever  see  '  School,'  Kitty? "  askecl the  coloneL 

"Why,  of.  course  you  did,  papa ;  don't  you  remember  howr 
you  laughed  at  the  funny  sayings  of  Naomi.?  " 

"Yes,  of  course,"  replied  the  colonel;  "the  girl  who 
didn't  know  how  far  it  is  to  the  mooni" 

"Well,  I  think,"  continued  Jonas,  "that  it  is  in  'School^' 
though  it  may  be  in  some  other  play,  that  the  hero  declines 
to  tell  about  his  own  victories,,  even  after  the  example-  of 
Othello  is  cited  to  him." 


34  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"But,"  said  the  colonel,  "you  didn't  become  a  colonel  all 
at  once." 

"Ah — I — no  —  no,  of  course  not,"  gasped  Jonas. 

"Then  tell  us  how  you  became  one,  for  you  are  quite 
young  to  have  attained  such  a  position." 

Poor  Jonas  was  in  a  quandary.  What  should  he  do? 
was  the  question  that  was  staring  him  in  the  face.  What 
would  you  have  done  under  the  circumstances  ?  Remember, 
he  knew  that,  if  he  confessed,  the  colonel  would  cut  him 
dead,  and  then  farewell  to  Miss  Kitty.  He  glanced  at  her. 
She  was  looking  eagerly  at  him,  and,  as  she  caught  his  eye, 
added  to  her  father's  request :  — 

"Yes,  do,  Colonel  Smith,  tell  us  all  about  the  way  in 
which  you  became  a  colonel." 

Even  at  that  moment  Jonas  could  hardly  refrain  from 
laughing,  as  the  thought  of  how  he  became  a  colonel  flashed 
through  his  mind,  and  he  was  half  tempted  again  to  tell 
Colonel  Withers  the  whole  truth ;  but,  as  he  glanced  at  that 
gentleman's  severe  countenance,  and  reflected  upon  the  prob- 
able consequences  of  such  an  avowal,  he  resolved  that,  for 
the  present  at  least,  he  would  refrain,  and  so  he  simply  said :  — 

"  There  is  absolutely  no  story  to  tell,  colonel.  In  short,  I 
am  Colonel  Smith,  at  your  service.  That  is  all  there  is  of  it. 
There,  Miss  Withers,"  added  he,  "I  hear  the  'Beautiful 
Blue  Danube  ; '  surely  you  are  not  too  tired  to  dance  to  those 
strains?" 

"Never,"  replied  Kitty.  "We  ladies,  you  know,  can 
always  dance,  even  when  we  are  too  tired  to  do  anything 
else." 


THE    MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT    A   COLONEL.  35 

So  they  went  into  the  parlor  and  left  the  old  colonel  on 
the  piazza  to  ruminate.  ^* 

"Well,"  thought  the  colonel,  "it's  queer,  decidedly  queer. 
Either  the  fellow  is  astonishingly  modest,  or  there's  nothing 
in  it.  I  never  was  afraid  to  recount  the  acts  I  did,  and  I 
don't  see  why  he  should  be.  Really,  I'm  afraid  I'm  allowing 
myself  and  Kitty  to  become  too  intimate  with  him  ;  but  how 
the  deuce  am  I  to  help  it  now  ?  He  behaves  like  a  gentle- 
man, and  I  invited  him  to  accompany  us.  Well,  Kitty  is 
able  to  take  care  of  herself,  and,  if  not,  why  I'll  look  out 
for  her." 

Meanwhile,  Kitty  and  Jonas  went  on  with  their  waltz, 
and  that  led  to  a  galop,  and  that  to  a  quadrille,  and  that, 
well,  to  innumerable  other  dances,  until  finally  they  strolled 
out  on  the  piazza  to  find  the  colonel,  but  he  had  disappeared. 
Then  they  stepped  out  on  the  walk  in  front  of  the  house, 
and  finally  moved  slowly  down  to  the  lake.  Jonas  saw  the 
colonel  approaching  them,  but  he  avoided  him  by  walking 
along  the  lake  to  the  main  road,  and  then  up  that  road  to 
the  house.  The  colonel  followed  them,  but  did  not  over- 
take them  until  they  were  once  more  on  the  piazza. 

"Come,  Kitty,"  said  the  colonel,  "we  leave  early  in  the 
morning,  and  must  retire  at  once." 

"Not  so  very  early,  colonel,"  said  Jonas. 

"Early  for  us,  sir,"  replied  the  colonel,  somewhat  gruffly. 

Jonas  was  astounded  by  the  tone  of  the  colonel's  reply, 
and  even  the  "Good-night,  colonel,"  of  the  fair  Miss  Kitty, 
could  hardly  drive  the  colonel's  speech  from  his  ears.  It 
must  be  remembered,  however,  that  Jonas  did  not  know 


36  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

what  the  colonel  had  said  to  himself  while  Jonas  and  Kitty 
were  dancing. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

EN  AVANT. 

IN  the  morning  our  party  prepared  to  take  the  coach, 
which  was  to  carry  them  to  the  railroad  station.  The 
colonel  was  still  solemn  and  morose,  and  still  he  looked  at 
Jonas  with  suspicion.  Kitty,  however,  was  still  smiling 
and  agreeable,  and  so  Jonas  very  soon  gave  up  all  efforts 
to  discover  what  ailed  the  colonel. 

Of  course  our  party  rode  on  top  of  the  coach.  You  may 
say  what  you  please  about  the  new-fangled  methods  of 
carrying  people,  but  there  is  nothing,  after  all,  like  the  top 
of  an  old-fashioned  stage-coach  on  a  clear  summer's  day. 
Riding  high  up  in  the  free,  fresh  air,  with  six  horses  dashing 
you  along  at  a  rate  just  rapid  enough  to  be  exhilarating, 
must  be  enjoyed  in  order  to  be  understood;  it  cannot  be 
described. 

The  colonel  had  intended  to  seat  himself  between  Kitty 
and  Jonas  ;  but,  unfortunately  for  him,  nature  has  provided 
that  young  limbs  shall  be  spryer  than  old  ones ;  and  so, 
when  he  reached  the  top  of  the  stage,  Kitty  was  sitting  on 
the  middle  of  the  seat,  Jonas  at  the  far  end,  and  the  colonel 


THE   MAN   WHO   WAS    NOT    A   COLONEL.  37 

was,  perforce,  compelled  to  sit  in  the  only  seat  remaining. 
At  first  he  suggested  a  change,  but  the  driver  soon  put  a 
damper  on  that. 

"Now  look-a-here,  colonel,  if  it  be  as  you  are  a  colonel," 
said  the  driver,  "I'm  fat  and  so  be  you;  I  sit  on  this  side, 
and  you  must  sit  on  t'other.  This  stage  must  balance 
somehow." 

The  colonel  dropped  into  the  seat ;  but  he  was  decidedly 
sulky.  At  first,  whenever  he  replied  to  any  of  Jonas' 
observations,  he  addressed  that  gentleman  as  sir,  just  for  all 
the  world  as  if  our  hero  were  not  a  colonel.  However, 
Jonas  exerted  himself  to  the  utmost  of  his  abilities  to  be 
entertaining,  and  his  sallies  and  Kitty's  merry  laughter  soon 
put  the  veteran  in  better  humor,  and  he  almost  forgot  his 
suspicions  of  the  preceding  night. 

It  was  a  charming  section  of  the  country  through  which 
they  passed,  though  it  must  be  confessed  that  the  road  ran 
up  hill  and  down  dale  with  tolerable  regularity,  and  that 
the  stage  ofttimes  lurched  viciously  in  the  ruts.  Oh,  the 
delight  of  riding  on  top  of  a  stage-coach  by  the  side  of  a 
dainty  damsel,  whose  faintest  touch  sends  a  thrill  through 
your  frame  when  the  coach  lurches  !  If,  under  those  cir- 
cumstances, Miss  Kitty  grasped  Jonas'  arm  as  a  support, 
instead  of  her  father's,  one  should  not  wonder;  for,  when 
one  is  frightened,  one  will  do  just  such  things,  and,  besides, 
Jonas  did  not  object;  in  fact,  he  rather  liked  the  per- 
formance. 

The  colonel,  unfortunately,  was  driven  back  to  his  sulki- 
ness  by  a  blunder  which  he  made.  A  large  number  of 


"8  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

buggies  and  wagons  of  every  description  passed  the  stage  ; 
they  were  in  single  file,  and  were  placed  close  behind  each 
other. 

"Where,"  asked  the  colonel  of  the  driver,  "are  those 
people  going  ?  " 

"  Blackberrying,"  replied  the  driver. 

"Black  burying!"  ejaculated  the  colonel.  "Do  they 
bury  colored  people  in  this  land  without  a  hearse  ?  " 

Everybody  laughed  uproariously  at  the  colonel's  mistake. 
The  colonel  looked  astonished. 

"They  are  going  for  blackberries,"  explained  Kitty. 

Then  the  colonel  drew  himself  into  himself,  and  his  looks 
boded  no  good  to  Jonas. 

Sure  enough,  when  they  reached  the  railroad,  the  colonel 
took  particular  pains  to  place  himself  beside  his  daughter, 
so  that  Jonas  could  not  get  very  near  to  her.  Jonas  sub- 
mitted to  the  inevitable,  but  he  resolved  that,  at  the  first 
break,  he  would  change  all  that.  Thus  they  journeyed  to 
North  Conway  and  reached  that  spot  just  in  time  for  dinner. 
After  dinner  Jonas  suggested  to  Miss  Kitty  that,  as  they 
had  a  few  moments  to  spare,  they  should  take  a  look  at  the 
village.  To  this  proposition  the  colonel  reluctantly  assented, 
and  instructed  them  to  return  in  time  for  the  stage.  Jonas 
winked  when  he  heard  this  suggestion ;  for,  although  he 
had  suggested  a  trip  through  the  village,  the  stage  was 
really  the  object  which  he  had  in  view. 

Now,  as  a  stroll  through  the  village  included  merely  a 
walk  through  a  single  street  for  a  very  short  distance,  and 
a  passing  glance  at  Mount  Kearsage,  Kitty  and  Jonas  were 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  39 

soon  snugly  ensconced  on  top  of  the  stage.  When  the 
colonel  came  out  he  was  astounded,  for  he  had  determined 
to  place  himself  in  the  middle  of  the  seat,  cost  what  it 
might.  He  looked  at  Jonas  grimly,  but  what  could  he  do  ? 
He  could  not  insult  that  gentleman  openly,  and  besides  he 
did  not  know  that  he  wanted  to.  If  Jonas  was  really  a 
military  man,  the  colonel  was  quite  willing  that  the  young 
gentleman  should  amuse  Miss  Kitty ;  but  the  horrible 
thought  darted  constantly  through  his  mind  that  perhaps 
this  young  man,  who  had  thus  become  attached  to  his  party, 
was  not  an  officer  at  all.  However,  the  colonel  said 
nothing;  but,  as  he  mounted  to  his  seat  on  the  stage,  a 
stern  resolve  entered  his  mind.  He  resolved  that  he  would 
probe  this  young  gentleman's  mind,  and  see  if  he  really 
knew  anything  about  military  affairs. 

Accordingly,  as  soon  as  the  coach  started,  the  colonel 
began  ;  but,  unfortunately,  the  veteran  had  reckoned  without 
his  host.  When  it  is  given  to  an  American  to  be  bright,  he 
is  uncommonly  smart.  Jonas  saw  through  the  colonel's 
attack  at  once,  and  resolved  that  he  would  not  be  probed. 
The  colonel  stood  up  to  his  work  manfully ;  but  Jonas  was 
too  clever  for  him.  Such  rambling  from  one  thing  to 
another,  such  changes  of  subjects  of  conversation,  as  that 
young  gentleman  made,  would  startle  the  reader  if  here  set 
down.  When  the  old  gentleman  pushed  him  too  hard,  he 
would  burst  into  a  description  of  some  battle,  the  details  of 
which  he  had  read  in  the  history  he  had  borrowed,  and 
paint  it  for  all  the  world  just  as  if  he  had  been  there. 
Then  he  would  make  the  colonel  withdraw  by  engaging 


40  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Miss  Kitty  in  the  discussion  of  something  in  which  the 
colonel  was  not  in  the  least  interested.  Finally,  the  old 
veteran  gave  up  the  contest,  still  uncertain  whether  Jonas 
was  or  was  not  a  military  man.  Jonas  smiled  as  the  old 
gentleman  withdrew,  and  gave  himself  up  to  the  scenery 
and  Miss  Kitty. 

Truly  it  was  a  delightful  scene  through  which  they  passed 
during  that  afternoon.  There  is  no  more  romantic  road  in 
existence  than  the  one  which  leads  from  North  Conway  to 
the  mountains,  and  there  is  no  more  delightful  way  of  pass- 
ing over  it  than  on  a  stage-coach.  The  sun  sank  slowly  in 
the  west  as  they  drove  along,  the  cool  breeze  of  evening 
blew  through  the  trees,  the  shadows  of  the  overarching 
oaks  lengthened  in  the  road,  and  the  full  moon  crept  up- 
wards from  the  eastern  horizon.  On  they  went  gayly,  and, 
as  the  twilight  faded  away,  they  reached  the  Glen  House. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

MB.    AND    MRS.    HASTROM. 

As  the  stage  drove  up  to  the  piazza  of  the  Glen  House, 
quite  a  number  of  the  hotel  guests  rushed  out  to  welcome 
the  new-comers.  Among  the  spectators  was  a  short, 
chubby,  round-faced,  pleasant-looking  young  man,  who,  as 
soon  as  he  saw  Jonas,  cried  out :  — 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A   COLONEL.  41 

"Hollo,  colonel,  how  are  you?" 

Jonas  looked  down,  saw  his  interlocutor,  and,  with  the 
usual  inconsistency  of  Americans,  replied  :  — 

"  How  are  you,  Charley  ?  " 

When  Colonel  Withers  heard  that  salutation  his  face 
brightened.  Perhaps,  after  all,  he  thought,  it  is  all  right. 
Suspicions  are  never  proof,  and  Charley's  salutation  to 
Jonas  partially  dissipated  those  of  the  colonel. 

As  soon  as  they  reached  the  platform  Colonel  Withers 
was  seized  by  an  elderly  gentleman  with  whom  he  was  well 
acquainted,  while  Jonas  was  taken  possession  of  by  Charley. 

"  Come,  my  boy,"  cried  Charley ;  "  Becky  is  in  the  parlor, 
and  I  want  to  take  you  right  in  there.  Why  the  mischief 
didn't  you  come  to  the  wedding  ?  " 

Then  he  linked  his  arm  in  that  of  Jonas,  and  endeavored 
to  lead  the  latter  gentleman  away. 

"Hold  on,"  said  Jonas.  "Don't  you  see  that  I  have  a 
lady  under  my  care  ?  " 

"Excuse  me,"  said  Charlie,  "and  introduce  me." 

So  Jonas  introduced  him  to  Miss  Kitty. 

"  What,"  cried  Charley,  "  Miss  Withers,  the  daughter  of 
Colonel  Withers?" 

Kitty  laughingly  replied  that  Colonel  Withers  claimed  her 
as  his  daughter. 

''  I'm  delighted,"  exclaimed  Charley,  "  perfectly  delighted. 
Becky  knows  you.  I've  heard  her  say  so  an  hundred  times. 
You  must  come  right  in,  too.  Becky's  never  been  on 
a  wedding-tour  before,  and  perhaps, — but  then,  maybe 
you've  never  been  on  a  wedding-tour." 


42  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Kitty  laughed  heartily. 

"  Of  course  you  haven't.  What  am  I  thinking  of?  But 
come  right  in,  Miss  Withers.  Two  women  can  think  of 
four  times  as  many  things  as  one  can.  Come,  Jonas." 

"Not  so  fast,  Charley,"  replied  Jonas;  "Miss  Withers 
must  wait  for  her  father." 

"  As  the  man  says  in  the  play,"  added  Kitty,  "  I  have  a 
father." 

"  Pooh  !  "  said  Charley,  "  I'll  fix  that." 

Thereupon  he  marched  up  to  the  gentleman  who  was 
talking  to  Colonel  Withers. 

"Mr.  Brown,"  said  he,  "won't  you  introduce  me  to 
Colonel  Withers  ?  " 

The  introduction  was  accomplished  at  once. 

"Excuse  me,  colonel,"  said  Charley,  "  but  my  wife  knows 
your  daughter,  and  I  want  to  take  Miss  Withers  into  the 
parlor  where  Becky  is,  — Becky  is  my  wife,  you  see.  Have 
you  any  objection  ?  " 

"  None  at  all,"  replied  the  colonel.  "  I'll  come  there 
presently  for  her." 

"There,"  cried  Charley,  turning  to  Jonas,  "I  knew  it. 
Come  along  now,  both  of  you,  and  see  Becky." 

As  they  walked  along,  Charley  grew  confidential  with 
Miss  Kitty. 

"  You  see,"  said  he,  "  I  never  was  married  before." 

Kitty  laughed  merrily. 

"Oh,  I  know,"  continued  he,  good-naturedly,  "that  any- 
one can  see  that ;  it's  written  all  over  me,  Becky  says.  You 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  43 

see,  however,  Becky  has  no  friends  here  of  her  own  sex, 
and  so  I  am  delighted  to  see  you." 

In  the  parlor  they  found  Mrs.  Becky.  She  was  almost 
the  counterpart  of  her  husband.  A  little,  bustling  body, 
with  brown  hair  and  eyes,  and  with  a  nose  just  the  least  bit 
"  tip-tilted,"  she  was  just  as  full  of  fun  and  jollity  as  her 
husband.  After  the  ladies  had  gushed  over  each  other  suf- 
ficiently, Jonas  was  introduced  to  Mrs.  Becky,  and  he  at 
once  made  his  excuses  for  not  having  attended  her  wedding. 
Then  Mrs.  Becky  escorted  Miss  Kitty  to  her  room,  Jonas 
went  to  his  room,  and  Charley  strolled  into  the  office. 

Meanwhile  the  colonel  had  been  investigating  Jonas' 
military  standing ;  that  is  to  say,  he  had  been  laying  the 
foundations  for  such  an  investigation. 

"  Sir,"  said  he  to  Mr.  Brown,  "  are  you  well  acquainted 
with  this  Mr.  Hastrom,  to  whom  you  introduced  me  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  replied  Mr.  Brown,  "  he  married  my  sister's 
daughter." 

"And  he  is  what,  —  in  the  way  of  business  I  mean?  " 

"A  member  of  one  of  the  soundest  firms  in  the  city,  a 
good  business  man,  and  a  clever  fellow." 

"I'm  delighted  to  hear  that,"  replied  the  colonel,  quite 
relieved.  "  And  do  you  know  Colonel  Smith  ?  " 

"No,  except  that  I  have  heard  Charlie  speak  of  him." 

Thereupon  the  colonel  went  to  the  desk,  registered  him- 
self, and  retired  to  the  room  which  was  allotted  to  him. 

Charley  Hastrom  was  one  of  the  most  intimate  friends  of 
Jonas.  Many  times  had  they  taken  their  bachelor  pleasures 
together.  They  moved  in  the  same  set ;  but  while  every  one 


44  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

supposed  that  Jonas  would  some  day  become  a  benedict, 
Charley  was  looked  upon  by  every  one  of  his  acquaintances 
as  a  sure  candidate  for  old  bachelorhood.  However,  in  those 
things  everybody  is  always  mistaken,  and  so  Charley  mar- 
ried. He  found  the  goddess  he  adored  outside  of  the  set  in 
which  he  moved,  as  often  happens ;  which  fact  accounts  for 
the  circumstance  that  Jonas  was  unacquainted  with  her.  Of 
course  Jonas  would  have  attended  the  wedding  had  he  been 
in  town,  but  unfortunately  he  had  been  compelled  at  that 
time  to  go  to  Washington  on  business  ;  so  that,  until  he  met 
her  at  the  Glen  House,  Jonas  was  entirely  unacquainted  with 
Mrs.  Hastrom- 

Miss  Kitty,  on  the  other  hand,  had  known  Mrs.  Becky  for 
two  or  three  years,  though  never  very  intimately.  She  had 
been  present  at  the  wedding,  and  had  there  seen  Charley, 
but  that  was  the  extent  of  her  acquaintance  with  that  gentle- 
man. The  truth  is  that  Charley  had  done  his  courting  and 
marrying,  as  he  did  everything  else,  in  a  terrible  hurry;  so 
that  his  friends  hardly  knew  that  he  had  found  a  divinity 
before  they  heard  that  he  was  married. 

Fortunately  there  are  people  in  the  world  with  whom  you 
become  acquainted  very  easily,  and  who  show  their  friendly 
spirit  at  the  slightest  provocation,  and  fortunately  there  are 
places  where,  "will  you,  nill  you,"  you  must  become  intimate 
with  the  people  to  whom  you  are  introduced.  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Hastrom  belonged  to  that  class  of  people,  and  the  Gleu 
House  to  that  class  of  places. 


THE    MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL.  45 


CHAPTER  X. 

CHARLEY  PUTS  A  FEATHER  IN  THE  COLONEL'S  CAP. 

CHARLEY  HASTROM  wandered  impatiently  up  and  down 
the  hall,  waiting  for  his  wife  and  Miss  Kitty.  Ever  and 
anon  he'd  glance  at  the  staircase,  as  if  he  really  expected 
them.  Certainly  he  had  not  yet  learned  the  ways  of  women. 
Who  ever  knew  two  ladies  who  could  hurry  from  their 
rooms,  especially  when  one  was  a  bride  newly  made?  So 
Charley  wandered  up  and  down  for  some  time,  impatiently 
and  aimlessly. 

The  first  of  the  party  who  appeared,  descending  from  the 
upper  regions,  was  Colonel  Withers.  The  latter  gentleman 
at  once  linked  arms  with  Charley  and  walked  with  him  up 
and  down  the  hall.  As  the  colonel  was  tall  and  indulged  in 
immense  strides,  and  as  Charley  was  short  and  walked  with 
little  steps,  the  performance  was  amusing.  Charley  hopped, 
skipped,  and  jumped  in  his  efforts  to  keep  up  with  the 
colonel,  until  the  usual  topic  with  which  conversation  com- 
mences, the  weather,  had  been  exhausted,  and  then  he 
deliberately  stood  still. 

"  By  the  way,"  said  the  colonel  as  they  halted,  '"  you-  are  a 
friend  of  Colonel  Smith?" 


46  THE    MAN   WHO   WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"  Friend  of  Jonas  !  "  exclaimed  Charley.  "  Of  course  I 
am." 

"  Of  course,"  added  the  colonel ;  M  but  have  you  known  him 
for  any  length  of  time  ?  " 

"Ever  since  I  was  knee-high  to  a  grasshopper,"  responded 
Charley. 

"He's  a  clever  young  man,"  said  the  colonel,  half-way 
between  asking  a  question  and  making  an  assertion. 

"A  better  fellow  doesn't  live,"  replied  Charley. 

"  He's  rather  modest  about  relating  his  military  adventures," 
suggested  the  colonel. 

"Eh?  "said  Charley. 

"Yes,"  added  the  colonel;  "though  we  requested  him  to 
tell  us  about  them,  he  absolutely  declined  to  do  so." 

Charley  laughed. 

"Why  do  you  laugh?"  asked  the  colonel,  severely. 

"Oh,  merely  at  the  thought  that  Jonas  had  refused  to 
relate  his  military  adventures." 

"Ah,"  said  the  colonel;  "but  how  did  he  become  a 
colonel?" 

Charley  chuckled,  but  just  at  that  moment  they  were 
joined  by  the  ladies.  Kitty  looked  refreshed,  and  Mrs. 
Hastrom  looked  as  if  she  were  ready  for  a  hearty  laugh  at 
any  moment,  if  any  one  should  see  fit  to  provoke  it. 

The  colonel  was  introduced  to  Mrs.  Hastrom,  and  after 
he  had  indulged  in  some  old-fashioned  gallant  remarks  he 
returned  to  the  charge. 

"You  haven't  told  me  yet,  Mr.  Hastrom,"  said  he,  ''how 
your  friend  Colonel  Smith  became  a  colonel." 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  47 

"Oh,  but  the  ladies  are  not  in  the  least  interested  in  such 
military  memoirs,"  responded  Charley. 

"  But  I  am,"  said  Miss  Kitty. 

" And  I,  too,"  said  Mrs.  Becky;  "for  though  I  have  often 
heard  you  speak  of  Colonel  Smith,  I  never  heard  you  praise 
his  military  achievements." 

"No,  I   should  think  not,"  replied  Charley.     "Well—" 

He  was  just  on  the  point  of  relating  the  true  story  of 
Jonas'  title,  when  the  colonel  interrupted  him. 

"You  see,"  said  the  colonel,  "I  made  Colonel  Smith's 
acquaintance,  solely  on  the  ground  that  he  was  a  military 
man,  and  I  naturally  feel  interested  in  knowing  how  he 
became  one." 

"  Phew ! "  said  Charley  to  himself,  as  he  listened  to  that 
remark  and  noticed  the  eager  look  in  Kitty's  eyes  and  the 
bright  blush  on  her  cheeks,  *'  it  will  never  do  to  spoil  sport 
here.  It's  evident  that  the  old  gentleman  would  cut  Jonas 
dead,  if  he  knew  the  truth,  and  then,  judging  from  the 
present  appearance  of  things,  Miss  Kitty  would  pine  away. 
I  must  draw  on  my  imagination." 

"  Well,"  suggested  the  colonel,  "  I  suppose  he  did  some- 
thing or  other  which  was  valuable." 

"  Took  something,"  replied  Charley. 

"  A  fort  ?  "  asked  Miss  Kitty. 

"An  army?  "  suggested  Mrs.  Becky. 

Charley  was  half-inclined  to  say,  No,  a  drink ;  but  he 
refrained. 

"Well,"  continued  he,  "I'll  tell  you  how  it  was.  Jonas 
was  always  a  pleasant  fellow  (Kitty's  eyes  made  response 


48  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

to  that) ,  and  so  he  was  elected  captain  of  the  company  with 
which  he  started.  He  went  through  several  skirmishes  and 
one  or  two  battles ;  so  that,  as  he  told  me,  he  became  quite 
accustomed  to  thinking,  and  thinking  quickly,  amid  the 
falling  shot  and  shells." 

"That's  the  true  soldier's  quality,"  interrupted  the  colonel. 

"Well,"  continued  Charley,  somewhat  astonished  at  his 
powers  of  invention,  "  at  the  battle  of  Antietam,  the  colonel 
of  Jonas'  regiment  left  him  with  two  companies  on  the 
right  flank  of  his  division.  Well,  there  was  a  battery 
belonging  to  the  enemy,  which  was  placed  almost  directly 
opposite  his  position,  and  which  was  making  sad  havoc  in 
the  centre  of  the  army.  The  general  asked  what  regiment 
held  the  right  flank. 

r''  The  Sixty-sixth,'  replied  an  aide. 

"'Then,'  said  the  general,  'tell  the  commanding  officer 
of  the  Sixty-sixth  to  silence  that  battery.' 

"The  aide  rushed  up  and  crying  out,  'Sixty-sixth,  silence 
that  battery,'  galloped  away. 

"  Of  course,  the  general,  when  he  gave  that  order,  did  not 
know  that  only  two  companies  of  the  Sixty-sixth  held  that 
position;  but,"  continued  Charley,  wondering  what  the 
mischief  a  military  man  would  do  under  such  circumstances, 
"  what  could  Jonas  do  ?  " 

"Obey  orders,"  said  the  colonel,  sternly. 

"Precisely,"  said  Charley,  very  much  relieved  by  the 
suggestion.  "  That  is  exactly  what  Jonas  did.  '  Boys,'  said 
he,  the  'general  has  given  us  a  tough  job  in  ordering  us  to 
silence  that  battery,  but  we  can  do  it,  and  now  forward.'  " 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  49 

"Good,"  said  the  colonel,  quite  worked  up.  "That's  the 
way,  short  and  sweet." 

"The"  two  companies,"  continued  Charley,  "advanced 
against  that  battery,  left  a  large  number  of  the  men  on  the 
field,  drove  the  enemy  from  the  battery,  and,  as  they  were 
not  numerous  enough  to  hold  the  position,  they — they — " 

"  Spiked  the  guns,"  cried  the  colonel. 

"Yes,"  replied  Charley,  "spiked  the  guns." 

"  That  was  grand,"  said  the  colonel.     "  Eh,  Kitty  ?  " 

"It  was  heroic,"  replied  Kitty. 

"  A  noble  act,"  added  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  And  the  result?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

"  Then,"  said  Charley,  becoming  somewhat  interested  in 
his  own  narrative,  "his  conduct  was  reported  at  head-quar- 
ters, and,  as  at  that  time  they  were  organizing  some  colored 
regiments,  they  put  him  in  command  of  one  of  these  regi- 
ments, and  gave  him  his  colonelcy." 

"I'm  very  glad  I've  met  him,"  said  the  colonel ;  "I'll  talk 
with  him  about  that  adventure." 

"O  my  dear  colonel,"  cried  Charley,  wnot  for  worlds. 
What  I  have  told  you  is  to  be  kept  in  the  strictest  confi- 
dence. Xone  of  you  must  mention  the  matter,  for,  if  he 
should  discover  that  I  had  told  that  story »  he  would  never 
speak  to  me  again." 

"But  —  "  said  the  colonel. 

"No,"  interrupted  Charley,  "no  buts  j  you  must  all  prom- 
ise not  to  speak  to  him  about  that." 

So  they  all  promised  to  keep  the  story  to  themselves. 

Just  then   Jonas   approached.     It  was  astonishing  how 


50  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

great  a  respect  Charley's  auditors  had  developed  for  Jonas. 
The  colonel  was  as  social  as  ever  he  had  been,  Miss  Kitty 
allowed  her  eyes  to  rest  upon  Jonas  with  an  expression  that 
could  not  be  mistaken,  and  even  Mrs.  Becky  looked  at  him 
admiringly.' 

"I  came,"  said  Jonas,  "to  ask  you  all  to  come  out  on  the 
piazza ;  the  mountain-top  gleams  magnificently  in  the 
moonbeams." 

As  Jonas  walked  away  with  Miss  Kitty  on  one  side  of 
him  and  Mrs.  Becky  on  the  other,  Charley  thought :  — 

"  What  a  fool  I've  been !  —  I've  woven  a  cord  to  hang  my- 
self with,  dug  a  pit  to  bury  myself  in.  Even  my  wife  admires 
him  for  the  heroic  deed  I've  made  him  do.  Thank  Heaven, 
however,  if  she  should  admire  him  too  much,  I  can  tell  her 
the  truth,  can  explain  to  her  how  history  is  written." 


CHAPTER  XI. 

• 

AT   THE   MOUNTAINS. 

Oun  party  had  reached  their  destination.  There  is  a  sort 
of  feeling  of  relief  when  you  reach  the  spot  at  which  you 
aimed,  which  is  akin,  though  not  exactly  like,  the  feeling 
which  the  traveller  experiences  when  he  sits  down  at  home. 
Our  party  had  reached  as  it  were  their  temporary  home,  and 
they  now  had  time  to  think  and  be  at  ease.  It  was  the  mid- 


THE    MAX    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  51 

die  of  July,  and  yet,  as  night  closed  in,  so  cool  was  the 
atmosphere  that  a  fire  in  the  immense  stove  in  the  office 
became  a  necessity.  It  was  the  night  of  all  nights  for  a 
dance. 

So  the  manager  of  the  establishment  seemed  to  tKink,  for 
he  roused  up  the  band  and  set  them  to  playing  lively  galops 
or  stately  quadrilles.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hastrom  had  not  been 
married  long  enough  to  eschew  the  pleasures  of  the  dance, 
and  Miss  Kitty  was  a  devotee  of  Terpsichore.  Jonas  did 
not  in  the  least  object  to  that,  so  long  as  she  danced  with 
him,  but  Charley  Hastrom  and  Mr.  Brown  both  had  male 
friends  at  the  hotel.  Now  it  was  not  to  be  supposed  that  a 
dancing  man  would  fail  to  get  an  introduction  to  Miss  Kitty, 
if  he  happened  to  know  one  of  her  acquaintances.  Anyhow 
the  gentlemen  were  soon  swarming  around  her,  and  she 
whirled  in  the  "  mazes  of  the  giddy  "  with  many  of  them. 

To  say  that  Jonas  did  not  like  that  would  be  to  put  it 
mildly.  Just  exactly  what  his  feelings  were  he  hardly  knew 
himself.  He  had  been  the  sole  escort  of  Miss  Kitty  for  so 
long  a  time,  that  he  somehow  felt  that  the  new  comers  were 
trespassing  on  his  proprietorship  or  something,  exactly  what 
he  hardly  knew.  Of  course  he  admitted  to  himself  he  knew 
that  such  a  thing  must  happen  whenever  she  appeared  in 
society,  for  somehow  men  have  a  way  of  forcing  an  acquaint- 
ance with  a  beautiful  girl  in  one  way  or  another.  He  sighed 
for  Centre  Harbor,  and  wished  that  she  might  dance  aud  stroll 
with  him  alone  as  she  had  on  the  preceding  evening.  That 
could  not  be,  however,  and  so  he  went  over  to  Mrs.  Hastrom 
and  danced  with  her. 


52  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Just  what  his  feelings  towards  Miss  Withers  were  he  could 
hardly  determine.  That  he  liked  her  amazingly  was  beyond 
all  question  ;  that  he  desired  to  be  with  her  and  to  monopo- 
lize her  attentions  was  also  beyond  all  question ;  but  whether 
that  was  a  permanent  feeling  he  was  unable  to  say.  Of 
course  he  readily  admitted  that  it  would  not  do  to  attempt 
to  monopolize  her  now,  and  so,  when  he  had  finished  his 
dance  with  Mrs.  Hastrom,  he  resolved  to  sit  where  he  could 
watch  Miss  Kitty  without  her  knowledge. 

At  that  moment  she  was  dancing  in  a  quadrille  ;  her  cava- 
lier was  attentive,  but  she  seemed  distraite;  the  smile 
which  came  to  her  face  was  evidently  forced  there  out  of 
respect  to  the  gentleman ;  she  went  through  the  dance 
somewhat  mechanically.  All  this  Jonas  saw,  or  at  least 
thought  he  saw,  and  another  thing  he  thought  he  saw,  that, 
when  her  cavalier  escorted  her  to  a  seat,  she  looked  at  Jonas 
wistfully,  as  if  she  wished  that  he  would  relieve  her.  Inter- 
preting her  glance  in  that  way,  Jonas  approached  her,  and, 
watching  her  carefully,  he  thought  that  he  detected  a  smile 
of  welcome  creep  over  her  face  as  he  drew  near. 

"  Will  you  promenade,  Miss  Withers?"  asked  he. 

"With  pleasure,"  replied  she,  rising  and  bowing  to  her 
late  partner. 

They  moved  slowly  through  the  parlor  and  out  into  the 
hail.  Kitty's  face  had  resumed  its  usual  smile,  and  her  eyes 
sparkled  with  merriment. 

"Is  that  the  way  you  desert  old  friends ?  "  asked  she. 

"  Desert  them? "  asked  he. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  53 

"  Yes,"  replied  Kitty,  "  dance  once  with  them,  and  then 
leave  them  for  the  rest  of  the  evening." 

"  But  there  are  other  gentlemen  who  desire  to  dance  with 
you,  and  so  I  cannot  monopolize  your  society." 

"  No  ;  but  once  in  an  evening  is  not  monopolizing." 

Jonas  looked  down  into  her  face  until  her  eyes  fell. 

"Well,"  said  he,  "let's  promenade  all  the  way  to  the  other 
end  of  the  hall,  and  then,  when  we  come  back,  I'll  show  you 
the  mysteries  of  the  stove." 

"Of  the  stove?"  interrupted  she. 

"  Of  course.     Isn't  a  big  fire  in  July  a  curiosity?  " 

"To  be  sure,"  replied  she,  gayly,  "  and  what  then?" 

"Then  I'll  let  you  look  out  of  the  window  at  the  stars." 

"  Oh,  what  a  particular  favor  !  "  exclaimed  she  in  burlesque 
enthusiasm,  — " and  then?  " 

"  And  then  I'll  let  you  look  at  your  own  name  in  the 
register." 

"  How  very  kind  !  —  and  then  ?  " 

"And  then,  if  you'll  let  me,  I'll  take  you  back  to  the 
parlor  and  dance  a  waltz  with  you,  before  I  surrender  you 
to  the  surrounding  heathen." 

"  Agreed,  and  now  let  the  curtain  go  up  and  the  perform- 
ance begin." 

Before  they  had  reached  the  office  on  their  return  through 
the  hall,  Charley  and  his  wife  met  them,  and  they  walked 
ulorig  together. 

"  Arent  you  coming  into  the  parlor?"  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"Well,"  said  Miss  Kitty,  "Colonel  Smith  has  promised  to 
explain  to  me  the  mystery  of  the  stove." 


54  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"  The  mystery  of  the  stove  ?  "  said  Charley. 

"  Precisely,"  said  Miss  Kitty. 

"  My  dear,"  said  Charley  to  his  wife,  as  he  stood  before 
the  party  and  halted  them  all,  "you  are  now  a  married 
woman." 

/f  I  am  well  aware  of  that,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"That's  only  the  preamble,"  said  Charley.  "In  the 
course  of  your  married  life  there  is  nothing  which  you  will 
need  to  understand  so  much  as  stoves.  Here's  a  lecture 
which  is  about  to  be  wasted  on  Miss  Withers,  concerning  the 
mystery  of  stoves.  Beg  her  on  your  bended  knees  to  allow 
you  to  attend." 

Jonas  and  Kitty  laughed  heartily. 

"You  can  all  attend,"  said  Kitty,  "though  I  don't  believe 
you  will  get  much  information." 

Charley's  countenance  fell  when  Jonas  informed  him  that 
all  he  intended  to  show  them  was  the  sight  of  people  hug- 
ging a  stove  in  the  middle  of  July. 

"  Well,  I  never,"  said  Charley.  "  Mrs.  Hastrom,"  added 
he,  "  Colonel  Smith  is  a  humbug  on  stoves." 

Colonel  Withers  appeared  at  this  juncture,  and  suggested 
to  Kitty  that  it  was  late. 

"But,  papa,"  said  she,  "I  have  promised  Colonel  Smith  a 
waltz." 

"  Well,"  said  the  colonel,  "  only  one." 

So  they  went  back  to  the  parlor  and  danced  the  waltz. 


TUB    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  55 


•    CHAPTER   XII. 

MOUNT    WASHINGTON. 

As  everybody  has  visited  Mount  Washington,  it  would  be 
a  work  of  supererogation  on  my  part  to  describe  that  famous 
natural  curiosity,  and  I  therefore  refrain  from  entering  into 
any  details  in  regard  to  it. 

Jonas  and  Charley  had  always  been  devotees  of  the  art  of 
walking,  and  Mount  Washington,  with  its  broad  carriage- 
road,  was  too  tempting  a  field  for  them  to  neglect  it ;  so,  on 
the  following  morning,  Jonas  tempted  Charley  to  undertake 
the  feat. 

"But  let's  see  what  Becky  says,"  added  Charley. 

So  they  hunted  up  Mrs.  Becky,  and  that  little  lady  not 
only  approved  of  the  proceeding,  but  insisted  upon  accom- 
panying them. 

"But,  Mrs.  Hastrom,"  urged  Jonas,  "you  will  not  be  able 
to  stand  the  exertion." 

"  Oh,  you  don't  know  what  a  great  walker  I  am,"  replied 
she. 

"That's  so,  Jonas,"  added  Charley.  "  She's  no  end  of  a 
walker.  I  think  the  walk  is  just  within  her  powers.  It 
will  lay  her  up  for  a  week,"  added  he,  softo  voce,  ''but 
that's  her  business,  not  ours." 


56  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Forth  Jonas  and  Charley  and  Mrs.  Becky  started ;  on  the 
piazza  they  found  Colonel  Withers  and  Miss  Kitty. 

"  Whither  away  ?  "  inquired  Kitty. 

"  We  are  going  up  the  mountain,"  replied  Jonas. 

"And  you  never  asked  me,"  said  she. 

"  But,  Miss  Withers,  we  are  going  to  walk  up,  and  that  is 
no  child's  play." 

"Still  Mrs.  Hastrom  goes." 

"Oh,  Charley  promises  that  his  wife  will  do  it  with  ease." 

"But  I  am  a  good  walker,  too." 

"  Then,  if  you  will  go,  we  shall  be  delighted  to  have  you 
accompany  us." 

"  I'll  ask  papa." 

So  she  informed  Colonel  Withers  that  she  desired  to  walk 
up  the  mountain. 

"Yes,  but  I  don't,"  replied  he  ;  "I  prefer  to  ride." 

"But  I  am  going  with  Mrs.  Hastrom." 

"  Oh,  that  alters  the  case.  You  can  go,  of  course,  if  you 
wish." 

"  Wait,"  cried  she  to  the  party,  "  till  I  get  my  wraps." 

"Take  only  a  light  shawl,  Kitty,"  said  Colonel  Withers. 
"When  on  the  march  one  should  not  carry  too  much 


So  a  merry  party  of  four  started  for  the  top  of  Mount 
Washington.  They  had  gone  but  a  short  distance  beyond 
the  toll-gate,  when  Charley  cried  out :  — 

"  Halt ! " 

Everybody  stopped,  and  three  of  the  party  looked  at  the 
fourth  in  astonishment. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  57 

"Now  for  the  plan  of  the  campaign,"  said  Charley. 

"  Plan  of  the  campaign  ?  "  inquired  Kitty. 

"  Exactly,"  replied  Charley;  "that's  the  way  your  father 
and  Colonel  Smith  would  put  it." 

"  Don't  let's  have  any  plan,"  suggested  Mrs.  Becky.  "  It's 
jollier  to  go  without  one." 

"  So  I  think,"  added  Kitty. 

"  Who  ever  heard  of  a  successful  campaign,"  said  Charley, 
"  when  there  wasn't  a  plan  ?  " 

"Come,"  interposed  Jonas,  "let  Charley  develop  his  plan, 
and  if  we  don't  like  it,  why,  as  there  are  three  of  us, 
we'll  bind  him  hand  and  foot,  and  leave  him  here  till  our 
return." 

"Agreed,"  cried  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  The  wife  of  my  bosom  ! "  ejaculated  Charley,  with  such 
a  doleful  expression  of  countenance  that  everybody  else 
laughed  heartily. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Hastrom,"  urged  Kitty,  "  please  exhibit  that 
plan." 

"Then,"  said  Charley,  "I  want  it  to  be  understood  that 
this  is  a  mutual  assistance  campaign." 

"To  be  sure  it  is,"  assented  Kitty. 

"  I  make  no  resistance  to  that,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

w  Exactly,"  said  Charley ;  "  the  men  assist  each  other,  and 
the  ladies  do  likewise.  So  that,  madame,"  turning  to  Mrs. 
Becky,  "  if  you  grow  weak,  Miss  Withers  will  be  compelled 
to  carry  you." 

"All  right,  Charley,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "and  now  come 
along,  and  by  the  way  give  me  your  arm." 


58  THE    MAX    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Everybody  laughed  at  this  conclusion  of  Charley's  plan, 
even  Charley  joining  in.  The  result,  however,  was,  that 
Cnarley  and  his  wife  walked  together,  and  Jonas  and  Miss 
Kitty  were  left  to  the  society  of  each  other. 

The  road  runs  for  a  long  time  almost  entirely  through  the 
woods ;  only  occasionally  could  views  be  obtained,  and  the 
day  was  uncommonly  warm ;  so  that  it  is  not  strange  that 
Mrs.  Becky  became  exhausted  before  the  party  reached  the 
"half-way  house.  In  fact  by  the  time  they  reached  that 
structure  Charley,  notwithstanding  his  plan  of  the  campaign, 
was  almost  carrying  his  wife.  On  consultation  they  re- 
solved to  halt  there.  As  they  sat  there,  looking  at  each 
other  somewhat  dolefully,  a  stage,  which  was  going  up  the 
mountains,  arrived  there.  As  there  happened  to  be  four 
vacant  seats  in  it,  the  four  great  walkers  were  glad  to  hide 
themselves  within  its  shelter. 

When  they  reached  the  top,  Charley  insisted  that  their 
first  duty  was  to  look  after  the  inner  man. 

"  And  inner  woman,"  added  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  That's  a  corollary,"  said  Charley,  "  for  no  woman  was 
ever  known  to  starve  to  death,  while  victuals  were  in  her 
neighborhood." 

"  Was  a  man  ?  "  inquired  Kitty,  laughing. 

f'  I  can  imagine  a  man  honest  enough  to  starve  to  death 
while  in  the  midst  of  food  belonging  to  others." 

"  Wonderful  man  !  "  ejaculated  Kitty. 

"And  his  name  isn't  Charley  Hastrom,"  added  Jonas. 
"  So,  Charley,  lead  the  way  to  the  dining-room." 

After  dinner  they  scrambled  around  among  the  rocks,  and 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  59 

examined  the  magnificent  views  spread  out  before  them. 
Kitty  and  Jonas  sat  down  and  gazed  silently  upon  the  scene 
nature  had  tinted  in  glowing '  colors.  Charley  and  Mrs. 
Becky,  however,  kept  moving  from  one  spot  to  another,  a 
momentary  glance  at  each  view  apparently  satisfying  them. 

"Miss  Withers,"  said  Jonas,  "  it  was  a  fortunate  thing  for 
me  that  I  met  you  in  Boston.  I  have  had  a  very  pleasant 
trip  in  your  company." 

"Yes,"  replied  Kitty,  half  musing;  "it's  like  those 
streams  yonder.  See,  they  come  from  the  east  and  west, 
and  then  they  approach  each  other  and  run  side  by  side." 

"But  they  separate  again." 

"  To  meet  once  more  in  the  great  ocean,"  added  Kitty. 

"New  York?"  suggested  Jonas. 

Kitty  merely  bowed  her  head. 

"Hollo,  Jonas,"  cried  Charley,  who  was  standing  on  a 
rock  quite  near  to  them,  "  stop  spooning  there,  and  come 
over  and  see  the  locomotive." 

Jonas  offered  Kitty  his  hand  to  assist  her  in  climbing 
over  the  rocks,  and  they  went  over  to  the  depot. 

They  watched  the  locomotive  as  it  slowly  ascended  the 
steep  incline,  and  just  before  it  had  reached  the  top  Charley 
suggested  that  it  would  be  a  brilliant  idea  for  them  to 
secure  their  seats  in  the  coach  before  the  incoming  pas- 
sengers had  had  an  opportunity  to  occupy  them.  His 
advice  seemed  good,  and  so  they  followed  it.  On  the  way 
down  they  witnessed  one  of  the  strangest  phenomena  of  the 
mountain.  While  they  had  watched  the  locomotive  the 
clouds  had  gathered,  and,  almost  immediately  after  they  had 


60  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

started  on  their  homeward  trip,  they  had  the  pleasure  of 
witnessing  a  thunder-shower,  which  was  all  below  them. 
Before  they  reached  the  Glen,  however,  the  shower  had 
ceased ;  and  when  they  rolled  up  to  the  hotel  the  sun  was 
shining  brightly. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

BEEAKING   UP. 

WHEN  our  pedestrians  reached  the  hotel  they  stood  near 
the  desk  for  a  few  moments. 

"Are  you  not  Colonel  Smith?"  asked  the  clerk  of  Jonas. 

Now,  Jonas,  for  some  years,  had  been  accustomed  to 
answer  to  that  name  quite  readily;  but,  on  the  present 
occasion,  feeling  that  Kitty's  eyes  were  on  him,  he  blushed 
slightly  as  he  replied  that  he  was. 

"Then,"  said  the  clerk,"  I  have  a  telegram  for  you." 

Jonas  glanced  over  it ;  and,  as  he  read  it,  so  strong  an 
expression  of  pain  passed  over  his  face  that  Kitty  noticed  it. 

"Surely,"  asked  she,  "it  is  nothing  unpleasant?" 

"  Only  a  summons  to  New  York,"  replied  he,  as  he  crushed 
it  in  his  hand. 

"  Oh,  I  am  so  sorry." 

Jonas'  face  quite  lit  up  as  he  replied  :  — 

"And  so  am  I." 

w  Must  you  go  at  once  ? r> 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  61 

"  To-morrow  morning ;  but  that  will  not  prevent  me  from 
waltzing  with  you  to-night,  if  you  will  let  me." 

"  Oh,  that  is  a  matter  of  course.  The  departing  friend 
should  always  be  favored." 

When  Colonel  Withers  was  informed  of  the  intended 
departure  of  Jonas  he  expressed  his  regrets  in  polite 
terms. 

"But,  sir,"  said  he,  "if  there  is  one  thing  which  I  admire 
above  all  things,  it  is  a  devotion  to  duty  in  young  men. 
Ah,  colonel,  the  army  is  the  real  school." 

Jonas  admitted  that  it  was. 

"To  tell  you  the  truth,"  continued  the  colonel,  "I  wish  I 
was  going  to  New  York  myself.  I  don't  find  much  pleasure 
in  this  tramping  around  the  country." 

Charley  Hastrom  was  almost  inconsolable  when  Jonas 
informed  him  that  he  should  depart  on  the  morrow." 

"But,  my  dear  fellow,"  expostulated  he,  "you  mustn't, 
—  you  really  mustn't.  What  am  I  to  do  with  Becky?" 

"  Do  with  Becky  ?  "  inquired  Jonas. 

"  Of  course.  You  see  I've  had  no  experience  in  the 
married  line." 

"Nor  have  I,"  suggested  Jonas. 

"No,  but  two  nincompoops  are  always  better  than  one. 
Now,  if  I  had  been  married  three  or  four  times  before,  I 
should  know  what  to  do  with  a  wife  under  the  trying 
circumstances  of  a  wedding-tour ;  but,  as  it  is,  when  I  am 
left  alone  as  it  were  in  this  great  barn  of  a  hotel,  I  shall  not 
know  what  to  do  with  her." 

"Charley,"  said  Jonas,  "don't  worry  about  that.     She's 


62  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

a  woman,  and  she'll  take  care  that  you  look  after  her 
amusement." 

"  I  hadn't  thought  of  that,"  said  Charley. 

"Besides,"  continued  Jonas,  "I  leave  you  Miss  Withers 
and  her  father." 

"  That's  all  very  well,"  said  Charley ;  "  but  in  two  days  we 
leave  for  Canada,  and  I  had  intended  to  take  you  with  us." 

"Poor  benedict !  "  exclaimed  Jonas,  laughingly. 

It  is  to  be  feared  that  Jonas  did  not  remember  on  that 
evening  that  it  was  only  one  waltz  that  he  had  bargained 
for.  It  must  be  admitted,  however,  that  the  temptation  was 
strong.  A  beautiful  girl,  whom  you  may  be  leaving  for- 
ever and  whom  you  are  certainly  parting  from  for  the  time 
being,  is  very  loadstoneish,  and  you  are  liable  to  run  your 
waltz  into  a  galop,  and  a  quadrille,  and  another  waltz  and 
galop,  and  so  on  ad  infinitum,  if  an  evening  would  only  last 
forever.  Jonas  took  his  last  promenade  up  and  down  the 
hall  by  Miss  Kitty's  side,  and  wished  that  the  hall  was  miles 
long.  Finally  the  dread  hour  of  parting  came  ;  he  escorted 
Miss  Kitty  to  her  room-door,  the  colonel  following  behind 
with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hastrom. 

"I  have  had  some  very  pleasant  hours  with  you,  Miss 
Withers,"  said  Jonas. 

"Ah,  but  Colonel  Smith,"  said  she,  "remember  how  much 
papa  and  I  owe  you." 

"  And  I  am  very  sorry  to  part  with  you." 

"  Till  we  meet  again,''  said  she,  gayly. 

"I  hope  so." 

"Have  you  said  good-by  to  papa?"  asked  she. 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL.          63 

"No,"  replied  he.  "I  shall  do  so  in  the  morning.  And 
you  ?  " 

"Oh,"  replied  she,  "I'll  say  good-by  in  the  morning,  if 
you  will  let  me." 

His  face  apparently  showed  whether  he  would  let  her  or  not. 

By  this  time  they  had  reached  Kitty's  room.  She  held 
her  hand  out  to  Jonas,  let  it  rest  for  a  moment  in  his  as  she 
said :  — 

"Good-night,  but  not  good-by." 

Then  she  flitted  into  her  room. 

Jonas  went  to  his  room,  but  not  to  sleep.  He  lit  a  cigar, 
sat  down  in  an  easy-chair,  planted  his  feet  on  the  window- 
sill,  and  gazed  into  vacancy.  As  he  sat  there  he  was  ready 
to  rise  up  and  curse  business.  Of  course  he  admitted  that 
business  must  be  attended  to,  but  still  he  wished  that  the 
man  who  invented  business  had  been  strangled  in  his  child- 
hood. Why  couldn't  his  client  have  selected  some  other 
time  to  get  into  difficulties?  There  he  was,  just  becoming 
acquainted  with  a  charming  girl,  the  most  charming  he  had 
ever  met,  and  then  this  infernal  business  had  the  presump- 
tion to  step  in  and  interfere.  However,  as  he  became  a 
little  calm  under  the  influence  of  his  cigar,  he  was  compelled 
to  admit  that  after  all  perhaps  the  interruption  was  a  good 
thing ;  just  where  he  was  drifting  he  didn't  know.  That 
he  admired  Miss  Kitty  immensely  was  beyond  all  question, 
but  was  he  prepared  to  fall  in  love  with  her ;  was  he  already 
in  love  with  her  ?  Pshaw  !  How  did  he  know  ?  He  never 
was  good  at  conundrums,  and  so  he  threw  away  his  cigar 
and  bundled  into  bed. 


G4  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

In  the  morning  all  our  friends  were  on  hand  to  see  Jonas 
off.  Miss  Kitty  had  rather  a  solemn  face  when  she  said 
good-by ;  the  colonel,  on  the  other  hand,  was  quite  cheerful, 
shook  Jonas  heartily  by  the  hand,  and  hoped  that  Jonas 
would  drop  in  on  him  when  he  returned  to  the  city,  which 
Jonas  assured  him  he  would  do.  Mrs.  Hastrom  bore  up 
quite  well  under  the  affliction  of  losing  the  company  of  Mr. 
Jonas  Smith,  but  Charley  was  very  mournful, — so  mournful 
in  fact  that,  while  sitting  at  the  feet  of  Mrs.  Hastrom,  he,  in 
a  fit  of  absence  of  mind,  took  off  that  lady's  slipper,  and 
threw  it  after  Jonas  as  the  stage  rolled  away. 

"  Well,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Hastrom ;  "  that's  delightful." 

"  That's  for  good  luck,  my  dear,"  explained  Charley. 

"But  my  shoe  has  dropped  in  a  puddle." 

"Oh,  well,  water's  cheap,  my  dear,"  added  he,  as  he  went 
after  the  slipper. 

It  was  quite  as  lively  at  the  hotel  after  the  departure  of 
Jonas  as  it  had  been  before,  but  the  party  seemed  broken 
up.  Miss  Kitty  could,  if  she  had  wished,  have  danced 
innumerable  dances  on  every  evening,  but  apparently  she 
did  not  wish  to  do  so,  for  she  spent  the  greater  part  of  the 
evenings  walking  up  and  down  the  halls  with  her  father. 
Two  days  after  the  departure  of  Jonas,  Charley  and  his  wife 
started  for  Canada,  and  then  the  place  became  unbearably 
tiresome  to  Kitty ;  so  that,  on  the  day  after  the  departure 
of  the  Hastroms,  Kitty  suggested  to  her  father  that  she  was 
tired  of  the  place.  So  was  the  colonel,  and  so  the  only 
question  remaining  was  where  should  they  go.  Kitty  rather 
timidly  suggested  home,  but  the  colonel  jumped  at  that 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  65 

proposition  so  eagerly  that  Kitty  rushed  off  at  once  to  pack 
up. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 
KITTY'S  HOME. 

I  HAVE  spoken  well  of  Boston,  and,  now  that  we  have 
reached  New  York,  let  me  sing  its  praises ;  that  is,  I  want 
you  to  imagine  that  I  have  said  everything  in  its  favor  that 
can  be  said  about  a  city.  It  is  a  charming  place,  and  is  sur- 
rounded by  charming  suburbs.  -  There  is  no  more  delightful 
spot  for  a  residence,  in  New  York  or  elsewhere,  than  the 
long  tongue  of  land  which  stretches  from  Manhattanville  to 
King's  bridge,  along  the  east  bank  of  the  Hudson  river. 
There  are  quite  enough  of  the  elements  of  country  life,  trees 
and  fields  and  green  meadows,  to  make  the  place  rom'antic, 
and  just  enough  of  the  conveniences  of  city  life  to  save  one 
from  the  thousand-and-one  little  annoyances  which  accompany 
a  residence  in  the  rural  districts.  Your  villa  is  built  on  the 
crown  of  a  hill  or  on  its  gentle  slope,  and  from  its  windows 
you  can  view  the  noblest  of  our  rivers  and  the  thousands  of 
vessels  that  float  lazily  on,  or  steam  hastily  through  its 
bosom,  or  you  can  raise  your  eyes,  and  gaze  in  wonder  at 
the  majestic  palisades,  which  rear  their  crests  directly 
opposite. 


G6  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Colonel  Withers  had  selected  a  house  which  was  located 
quite  near  to  the  water's  edge.  It  was  built  in  Gothic  style, 
and  yet,  on  the  side  facing  the  river,  it  had  an  immense  bay- 
window,  from  which  one  could  observe  the  stream  in  both 
directions.  There  were  a  half-dozen  neighbors  within  a 
stone's  throw  on  all  sides  except  one  ;  but  their  gardens  were 
allowed  to  run  into  each  other,  without  any  unsightly  fences 
to  mark  the  boundary  lines,  thus  forming  a  sort  of  park, 
which  could  be  used  at  will  by  all  the  residents.  The  colonel 
was  a  man  of  wealth,  and  Kitty  a  girl  of  taste,  so  that  the 
inside  of  the  house  was  quite  as  sightly  as  the  exterior.  The 
room  with  the  great  bay-window  had  been  selected  by  Kitty 
as  her  sitting-room;  here  she  passed  her  leisure  hours,  and 
here  she  received  her  favored  visitors.  The  floor  was  covered 
with  a  bright,  cheerful  carpet,  the  walls  were  aclorned  with 
choice  pictures,  and  —  luxury  of  luxuries  !  —  every  chair  in 
the  room  was  an  easy-chair.  Instead  of  a  stove  or  heater 
the  fireplace  was  adorned  with  one  of  those  low  grates,  in 
which  the  blazing  cannel  coal  in  the  winter  made  the  room 
doubly  cheerful. 

The  colonel  and  his  daughter  had  been  at  home  two 
weeks.  They  were  sitting  in  Kitty's  room,  the  colonel 
examining  the  evening  paper,  while  Kitty  was  thoughtlessly 
dog-earing  a  novel,  which  lay  in  her  lap  ;  evidently  she  was 
day-dreaming.  Finally,  the  colonel  laid  his  paper  down 
quietly,  and  watched  his  daughter  for  a  few  moments.  He 
shook  his  head  gravely,  and  then  opened  the  conversation. 

"  Kitty,"  said  the  colonel. 

"Eh,  papa?"  said  she,  waking  out  of  her  dreams. 


THE   MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL.  67 

"  Kitty,"  continued  the  colonel,  "am  I  not  a  kind  father?" 

"  O  papa,"  cried  she,  jumping  up,  going  to  him  and  plac- 
ing her  arm  over  his  shoulder,  "  you  are  the  best,  the  kindest 
of  fathers." 

"Then,"  said  he,  placing  her  on  his  knee,  "how  is  it  that 
my  Kitty  is  so  low-spirited,  and  does  not  tell  her  father  the 
reason  ?  " 

"  But  I  am  not  low-spirited,  papa." 

"  Don't  I  see  it,  Kitty  ?  Didn't  you  formerly  laugh  and  sing, 
and  romp  about  the  house,  and  are  you  not  now  as  demure 
as  a  wearied  kitten?  Something  is  the  matter,  I'm  sure, 
and  we'll  call  in  the  doctor." 

"Oh,  no,  papa  !     I'm  not  ill." 

"What  is  it,  then,  Kitty?" 

"  It's  —  it's  —  I  suppose  it's  the  sudden  change  from  the 
busy  life  we  led,  while  travelling." 

"  Then  we'll  go  travelling  again." 

"  Oh,  no,  papa,"  cried  Kitty ;  "  I'll  be  all  right  again  in  a 
day  or  two." 

"Well,  well,  we'll  see,"  said  the  colonel.  "By  the  way, 
Kitty,"  continued  he,  "isn't  it  queer  that  our  friend,  Colonel 
Smith,  has  not  yet  called  on  us?" 

The  colonel  was  watching  Kitty,  but  she  was  not  aware  of 
that  fact,  and  so  her  face  assumed  quite  a  mournful  expression 
as  she  answered  :  — 

"  I  suppose  he  has  forgotten  us." 

"Yet,"  mused  the  colonel,  "I  invited  him  to  call  on  us, 
cordially  too,  and  he  accepted  eagerly  enough,  I  thought. 
Didn't  he,  Kitty?" 


68  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

w  I  believe  so,"  replied  she,  sighing  slightly. 

"  Well,  then,  to-morrow,  I'll  drop  in  at  his  office,  and  find 
out  why  he  hasn't  called  on  me." 

Kitty's  eyes  flashed  eagerly  for  a  moment,  —  a  bright  blush 
dyed  her  cheek ;  but  then  she  threw  up  her  head  proudly  and 
suggested :  — 

"I  think,  papa,  that  if  he  had  wanted  to  come  he  could 
have  come  on  your  invitation,  and  it  is  hardly  necessary  for 
you  to  trouble  yourself  to  invite  him  again." 

"There's  something  in  that,"  said  the  colonel.  "Never- 
theless I'll  call  on  him  to-morrow,  and  now  Kitty  go  to  the 
piano  and  sing  something  for  me." 

Just  as  the  colonel  had  finished  that  remark  a  servant 
entered  the  room,  and  handed  the  colonel  a  card.  The 
colonel  took  it  and  read  aloud,  "Jonas  Smith." 

Kitty  stood  still,  leaning  against  the  piano ;  her  eyes 
brightened,  and  then  she  half  started  forward  as  if  she 
would  have  liked  to  have  taken  that  card,  and  —  well,  read 
it  herself. 

"  Show  Colonel  Smith  in,"  said  Colonel  Withers. 

"Here,  papa?"  inquired  Kitty. 

"Yes.     Why  not?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

"Oh,  I  don't  know,"  replied  Kitty,  brightening  up  rapidly. 

Jonas  entered ;  the  colonel  received  him  courteously,  but 
Kitty  was  quite  distant  and  dignified  in  her  manner.  Jonas, 
who  remembered  her  freedom  and  kindness  at  the  moun- 
tains, was  decidedly  taken  aback.  Colonel  Withers,  how- 
ever, was  cheerful,  and  chatted  with  Jonas  about  the  news  of 
the  day. 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL.          69 

"How  long  have  you  been  at  home?"  finally  inquired 
Jonas  of  Kitty. 

"Two  weeks,"  replied  she,  looking  at  him  reproachfully. 

"  And  all  that  time  I  have  been  in  Chicago,"  said  he. 

"Been  where?"  inquired  she. 

"You  know,"  continued  he,  "I  received  a  message  at  the 
Glen,  calling  me  home." 

"  Why,  yes,  I  recollect  that." 

"  Well,  as  soon  as  I  reached  New  York  I  was  compelled 
to  leave  for  Chicago." 

"And  you  have  been  there  ever  since?"  asked  the 
colonel. 

"Ever  since." 

"  And  when  did  you  return  ?  "  asked  Kitty. 

"  This  very  day,"  replied  Jonas. 

Kitty  immediately  laid  aside  her  dignity  and  assumed  her 
old,  cheerful  manner ;  Jonas  began  to  feel  more  at  his  ease  ; 
even  the  colonel  saw  that  Kitty  was  recovering  her  former 
spirits. 

"And  now,  Kitty,"  said  the  colonel,  "give  me  that  song 
we  were  talking  about." 

"By  all  means,"  said  Jonas. 

So  Jonas  and  Kitty  went  to  the  piano,  and  Kitty  sang  her 
father's  favorite  song  in  her  low,  sweet  voice.  Then  Jonas 
and  Kitty  sang  duets  and  solos,  until  the  colonel  commenced 
to  snore  gently.  The  bay-window  was  very  inviting,  so  they 
sat  there  looking  out  at  the  moonlit  river,  and  chatting  gayly 
about  the  incidents  of  their  summer  trip — even  laughing  mer- 
rily about  their  attempt  to  ascend  Mount  Washington  on  foot. 


70  THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

"  And  Mrs.  Hastrom,"  asked  Jonas,  — "  have  you  forgotten 
her  ladyship  ?  " 

"Oh,  dear  ,no,"  replied  Kitty,  "nor  Mr.  Hastrom  either. 
He  and  she  are  much  too  amusing  to  allow  one  to  forget 
either  of  them." 

"Have  you  called  on  them?  "  asked  he. 

"No  ;  but  Mrs.  Hastrom  has  called  on  me  since  my  return, 
and  I  propose  to  call  on  her  to-morrow." 

" Then,  Miss  Kitty —  I  may  say  Miss  Kitty,  mayn't  I? " 

"  Oh,  of  course,  if  you  wish." 

"Then,  Miss  Kitty,"  continued  Jonas,  "I  wish  you  would 
let  me  drive  you  down  to-morrow,  and  bring  you  back  in 
the  evening.  It  will  be  moonlight  till  midnight,  you 
know." 

"  I  should  like  that  very  much,"  said  Kitty,  "  if  papa  does 
not  object." 

Colonel  Withers  awoke,  and  Jonas  prepared  to  depart. 
The  colonel  saw  no  objection  to  the  proposed  visit,  and 
Jonas  went  away. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

ME.    AND   MRS.    HASTROM   AT   HOME. 

JONAS  did  not  hurry  himself  when  he  went  to  Colonel 
Withers'  house  on  the  following  day ;  in  fact  he  dallied  on 
the  way,  for  he  had  arranged  with  Charley  Hastrom  to  man- 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  71 

age  things,  so  as  to  reach  Charley's  house  at  dinner-time. 
You  sec  Jonas  had  made  up  his  mind  to  ride  home  with  Miss 
Kitty  by  moonlight.  It  was  therefore  late  in  the  afternoon 
when  Jonas  and  Kitty  started  on  their  journey.  The  drive 
was  delightful.  The  Bloomingdale  road  is  (or  rather  was, 
for  the  march  of  improvement,  as  they  call  it,  is  levelling  and 
straightening  and  curbing  and  guttering  it)  one  of  the  most 
charming  roads  in  existence. 

Charley  Hastrom  had  located  his  household  gods  in  a 
modest  brick  house  in  Thirtieth  street,  near  enough,  as  he 
said,  to  down  town  to  enable  a  fellow  to  walk  home  when  he 
got  tired  of  holding  on  to  car-straps .  Jonas  and  Kitty  arrived 
there  in  due  time,  and  were  heartily  welcomed  by  Charley 
and  his  wife. 

"  What  a  lucky  thing,"  said  Charley,  for  all  the  world,  as 
if  he  had  not  arranged  it  beforehand  with  Jonas,  "that  you 
dropped  in  at  dinner-time  !  " 

"Yes,"  said  Jonas;  "and  Miss  Withers  is  fearfully 
hungry." 

"Well,  the  truth  is,"  said  Charley,  pretending  that  he  did 
not  see  Mrs.  Hastrom,  who  was  entering  the  door,  "it's  din- 
ner time,  but,  bless  you !  there's  no  certainty  about  there 
being  any  dinner.  We  make  a  practice,  however,  of  sitting 
down  to  the  table,  merely  to  keep  the  plates  in  countenance  ; 
you  see,  Becky  isn't  much  of  a  cook." 

"What's  that,  Charley?"  cried  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Oh,  you're  there  ! "  said  Charley.  "  Well  I  was  remark- 
ing that  you  are  an  exquisite  cook." 

"  How  my  ears  must  have  deceived  me  !  "  exclaimed  Mrs. 


72  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Becky.  ''But  come,  Kitty,"  added  she,  "I've  just  time 
before  dinner  to  show  you  the  house." 

So  Becky  and  Mrs.  Kitty  retired  to  the  upper  regions, 
leaving  Jonas  with  Charley. 

"Well,  Charley,"  asked  Jonas,  "how  does  married  life 
agree  with  you?" 

"  That's  what  I'm  trying  to  find  out,"  answered  Charley. 
"You  see  I've  been  deprived  of  all  my  old  luxuries." 

"  Old  luxuries  ?'"  ejaculated  Jonas. 

"Of  course,"  replied  Charley. 

"  Could  you  conveniently  explain  ?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"  To  be  sure.  You  see,  I'm  not  allowed  even  to  sew  on 
a  button." 

"What  cruelty!" 

"If  I  tear  my  coat  or  unmentionables,  bless  your  soul, 
before  I  can  hunt  up  a  needle,  Becky  has  the  rip  quite 
under  control." 

"  Can  it  be  possible  ?  " 

"To  be  sure;  and  thus  you  see  I  am  deprived  of  the 
opportunity  of  ventilating  the  choice  collection  of  swears, 
which  I  was  accustomed  to  use  whenever  I  stuck  a  needle 
in  my  finger." 

"  That  is  a  real  injury." 

"Not  a  doubt  of  that.  And,  last  and  worst,  I  am  not 
allowed  to  smoke  in  the  parlor." 

"That  is  reaUy  shameful." 

"Oh,  matrimony  has  its  bad  points,  I  can  assure  you." 

That  was  too  much  for  Mrs.  Becky  and  Kitty,  who  were 
standing  in  the  door-way,  and  so  they  exploded  into  a  laugh. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  73 

"We'll  finish  that  discussion  at  the  table,  if  you  please, 
Charley,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "  and  go  to  dinner." 

The  dinner-table  somewhat  belied  Charley's  statements; 
and  I  would  here  describe  it  for  your  benefit,  only  it  is  not 
given  to  every  one  to  be  able  to  tell  a  story  and  write  a 
cook-book,  too.  That  particular  sort  of  ability  is  inherent 
only  in  a  Dumas.  Certain  it  is  that  they  had  a  very  merry 
time  over  their  dinner,  and  Charley  did  not  act  at  all  as  if 
his  chief  duty  at  the  table  had  been  to  keep  the  plates  in 
countenance. 

After  dinner  Charley  planted  himself  in  an  easy-chair, 
and  thus  relieved  his  mind  :  — 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  —  gentleman,  I  mean,  as  there  is 
only  one  of  you." 

"For  mercy's  sake,  Charley,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Hastrom, 
"don't  afflict  us  with  a  speech." 

"My  dear,"  said  Charley,  calmly,  "you  should  not  inter- 
rupt me.  When  a  woman  possesses  a  husband  who  can 
make  a  speech  on  the  slightest  provocation,  she  ought  to 
give  him  the  provocation." 

"  Oh,  let  him  finish  it,"  said  Jonas. 

"Yes,"  said  Kitty,  "I  have  always  admired  eloquence, 
and  I'm  sure  that  Mr.  Hastrorn  is  about  to  say  something 
very  eloquent." 

"Please  consider  that  I  have  bowed  to  you,  Miss 
Withers,"  said  Charley ;  "and  now  to  continue.  We  have 
been  married  such  a  short  time  that  I  really  think  that,  on 
this  occasion,  I  can  look  upon  myself  as  the  host.  How  it 
will  be  a  year  from  now,  Heaven  only  knows." 


74  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"Oh,  I'll  try  to  accommodate  you  before  that  time,  and 
suppress  you  sufficiently,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  No  doubt,"  said  Charley.  "  Well,  it  falls  on  the  host  to 
suggest  means  of  entertainment." 

"If  he  can,"  said  Jonas. 

"Of  course,"  said  Charley ;  " and  now  let  me  sketch  the 
plan  of  the  campaign." 

"  As  well  as  you  did  the  Mount  Washington  one  ?  "  asked 
Kitty. 

"  That  was  brilliant  enough  in  suggestion,"  said  Charley, 
"  but,  unfortunately,  the  weaker  vessels  gave  out." 

Mrs.  Becky  and  Kitty  laughed  heartily  at  the  recollection 
of  the  Mount  Washington  trip. 

"  What  I  propose  is  this,"  said  Charley.  "The  minstrel 
halls  are  the  only  places  of  amusement  now  open.  Mrs. 
Becky  is  dying  to  visit  one  of  them." 

"Oh,  of  course,"  interrupted  Mrs.  Becky,  "I  am  dying 
for  that."  .'; 

"Don't  interrupt,"  said  Charley.  "We'll  go  around  to 
the  minstrels  for  an  hour  or  so,  then  we'll  return  here  for  an 
hour,  and  then,  at  eleven,  Jonas  and  Miss  Withers  shall  be 
sent  on  their  way  rejoicing." 

"But,  papa,"  suggested  Kitty,  "will  he  not  be  frightened 
at  my  delay?" 

"  Pooh  !  "  said  Charley ;  "he  knows  that  you  are  in  good 
hands." 

Kitty's  scruples  were  overruled,  and  the  party  went  to  the 
minstrel  hall,  laughed  till  they  were  tired,  and  then  returned 
to  Charley's  house. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  75 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

MRS.    HASTROM   GROWS    CONFIDENTIAL. 

WHEN  they  had  returned  to  Charley's  house,  that  gentle- 
man insisted  upon  getting  up,  as  he  said,  a  little  concert  on 
their  own  hook ;  so  they  sang  solos,  and  duets,  and  quartets 
ad  libitum.  Mrs.  Hastrom  was  apparently  thinking  of  nothing 
but  the  performances  which  were  going  on ;  in  reality  she 
was  watching  Jonas.  Presently,  while  Kitty  was  singing,  she 
placed  her  hand  on  Jonas'  arm  and  walked  down  the  room 
with  him. 

"Colonel  Smith,"  said  she,  "I  should  like  to  speak  with 
you  for  a  moment  or  two." 

Jonas  stood  still  and  looked  at  Mrs.  Hastrom,  wondering 
what  her  solemn  tone  presaged. 

"  With  me  ? "  asked  Jonas,  still  looking  somewhat  as- 
tonished. 

w  If  you  will  let  me,"  replied  she,  in  a  half-apologetic 
tone. 

"  Certainly  I  will,"  replied  Jonas. 

"And  you  will  not  be  offended?"  asked  she,  rather 
eagerly. 

"  Not  a  bit.     Offended  !  "  continued  he.      "  Why,  you  and 


76  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Charley  are  my  best  friends,  and  I  would  be  a  brute  to  be 
offended  at  anything  you  can  say." 

"That  is  it ; "  added  she,  "we  are  friends,  but  then  we  have 
other  friends  also.  Now  I  have  become  quite  attached  to 
Kitty  Withers.  She  is  a  dear,  affectionate  girl,  and  I  really 
cannot  stand  by  and  see  her  trifled  with." 

"  Trifled  with  ! "  ejaculated  Jonas. 

"Yes,"  replied  Mrs.  Becky.  "You  see  Charley  has  told 
me  that  you  delight  in  flirting  with  any  charming  woman." 

"Then  he  has  misrepresented  me,"  said  Jonas. 

"Do  you  mean  that  you  are,  — you  are  not  flirting  with 
Kitty  Withers?" 

"Most  certainly  I  am  not." 

"  Why  !  "  exclaimed  she,  "  do  you  mean,  — that  is,  do  you 
really  love  her  ?  " 

"  Better  than  my  life." 

"  And  you  mean  to  marry  her  ?  " 

"The  minute  she  will  let  me." 

"  Oh,  it's  all  right  then.  What  a  fool  I've  made  of  my- 
self !  To  tell  you  the  truth,  however,  I  really  thought  that  it 
was  one  of  your  flirtations." 

"But  it  is  not." 

"And  I  am  delighted  to  hear  you  say  so." 

"But  now  it's  my  turn,"  said  Jonas, -smiling.  "Tell  me 
just  one  thing.  Does  Miss  Kitty  love  me  ?  " 

"How  do  I  know?"  asked  she,  shrugging  her  shoulders. 

"  Then  why  did  you  ask  me  those  questions  ?  " 

"That's  true,"  replied  she,  somewhat  nonplussed. 

"And  now  tell  me,"  urged  he. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  77 

Just  at  that  moment  Kitty  ceased  playing,  and  turned 
around  on  the  piano-stool,  so  that  her  face  was  turned  to- 
wards the  speakers,  while  she  listened  to  Charlej^'s  chat. 

"  What  fools  you  men  are  ! "  said  Mrs.  Becky,  laughing. 

"Undoubtedly,"  said  Jonas ;  "  but  that  is  no  answer  to  my 
question." 

"Look  yonder,"  said  Mrs.  Becky.  "Charley  is  doing  his 
best  to  entertain  Miss  Withers,  isn't  he  ?  " 

"  Apparently." 

"  And  where  are  her  eyes  looking  ?  " 

"Over  here." 

"  And  their  expression  ?  " 

"Certainly  not  unfavorable." 

"Well,  that  isn't  for  me,  I  suppose." 

"  Thanks,"  cried  Jonas ;  "  I'll  ask  her  this  very  night, 
while  I  am  driving  her  home." 

"Oh,  no,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "don't  do  that." 

"No?" 

"  Of  course  not." 

"Why?"  asked  Jonas. 

"  I  do  not  say  positively  that  she  loves  you ;  and,  if  she 
should  refuse  you,  think  what  a  horrible  position  you  would 
both  be  in  for  the  rest  of  the  journey." 

"That  is  so,"  said  Jonas,  quite  chap-fallen. 

"Besides,"  continued  Mrs.  Becky,  "you  have  known 
Kitty  only  a  very  short  time.  A  woman  has  pride,  and, 
though  won,  she  does  not  like  to  appear  to  have  been  too 
easily  won." 

"  I  had  not  thought  of  that,"  said  Jonas. 


78  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"Of  course  not,"  added  Mrs.  Becky.  "Men  never  do. 
If  you'll  take  my  advice  —  " 

"  Oh,  with  pleasure,"  interrupted  Jonas. 

"And  follow  it?"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"That's  a  matter  of  course,"  replied  Jonas. 

"Then,"  said  she,  laughing,  "I  advise  you,  most  solemnly, 
to  have  patience." 

It  was  well  that  their  conference  was  at  an  end;  for 
Charley  and  Miss  Kitty,  wondering  what  their  confidential 
chat  could  be  about,  walked  over  to  where  Jonas  stood. 

"Look  here,  Jonas,"  said  Charley,  "if  you  are  planning 
an  elopement  with  my  wife,  you  might  have  the  decency  to 
arrange  the  details  during  my  absence." 

"But  you  ought  to  look  upon  such  a  performance  as  a 
pleasure." 

"  Ought  I  ?  "  asked  Charley,  in  his  most  sarcastic  way. 

"Of  course.  Then,  once  more,  you  could  have  your 
bachelor  pleasures." 

"Sew  on  your  own  buttons,"  suggested  Kitty. 

"Mend  your  own  coats,"  added  Jonas. 

"  And  smoke  in  the  parlor,"  suggested  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  That's  the  wife  of  my  bosom,"  said  Charley,  dolefully. 

"  Matrimony  has  its  bad  points,"  suggested  Mrs.  Becky, 
in  a  very  solemn  tone. 

Then  everybody  laughed,  and  the  conversation  changed. 

As  eleven  o'clock  was  at  hand,  Jonas  and  Kitty  started 
forth  on  their  return.  Jonas  drove  rapidly ;  for,  though  he 
had  joined  the  rest  of  the  party  in  overruling  Kitty's  ob- 
jections, now  that  he  was  on  the  way  to  her  home,  he  feared 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  79 

that  the  colonel  might  object  seriously  to  the  late  hours 
which  they  had  kept.  Kitty,  however,  was  in  high  spirits. 
She  had  enjoyed  her  evening  immensely,  and  she  told  Jonas 
so  frankly.  He  was  strongly  tempted,  notwithstanding 
Mrs.  Becky's  injunctions,  to  tell  Miss  Kitty  his  secret ;  but 
he  refrained.  Moonlight  and  solitude  are  fearfully  tempting 
to  a  lover ;  but  the  ideas  which  Mrs.  Becky  had  put  into  his 
head  restrained  Jonas. 

The  colonel  came  out  to  meet  them  when  they  reached 
Kitty's  home  ;  but,  instead  of  making  objections,  he  was  so 
delighted,  when  he  saw  that  Kitty  had  regained  her  spirits, 
that  he  even  suggested  that  Jonas  should  come  in  and  have 
a  chat  with  them.  Jonas,  however,  resisted  the  temptation, 
and  drove  slowly  homeward. 


CHAPTER  XVH. 

f  ON   THE    VERGE    OF   HAPPINESS. 

JONAS  took  care  that  Miss  Kitty  should  not  forget  him. 
As  the  colonel  invited  him  frankly  to  visit  at  his  house, 
why,  Jonas  used  the  invitation.  Many  evenings  were  spent 
by  him  in  Kitty's  sitting-room ;  many  walks  were  taken  by 
Jonas  and  Kitty,  and  several  visits  were  made  by  them  to 
Mrs.  Hastrom,  and  even  to  other  people. 

When  Jonas   first  met   Kitty   Withers   he   had    merely 


80  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

looked  upon  her  as  a  pleasant  acquaintance.  Thrown  with 
her  constantly,  during  the  few  days  they  spent  together,  he 
had  developed  a  sort  of  admiration  for  her.  When  he  was 
called  upon  to  leave  the  party  at  the  mountains  he  felt  a 
sort  of  regret,  which  he  could  not  then  account  for.  While, 
however,  he  was  in  Chicago,  a  stranger  in  a  strange  city, 
he  learned  that  Kitty's  companionship  was  necessary  for  his 
happiness.  When  he  returned  to  New  York  he  hastened  at 
once  to  bask  in  the  sunshine  of  her  smiles. 

Jonas,  then,  was  quite  certain  that  he  was  in  love  with 
Miss  Kitty,  deeply,  irretrievably  in  love ;  but  the  more  he 
saw  of  Kitty,  the  more  uncertain  he  became  as  to  whether 
or  not  she  returned  his  love.  Love,  you  see,  is  somewhat 
like  swimming.  If  you  spring  at  once  into  the  water,  you 
find  out  at  once  what  is  to  happen ;  but,  if  you  stand 
trembling  on  the  edge,  you  are  sure  to  become  so  thor- 
oughly demoralized  that,  when  you  do  go  into  the  water,  you 
are  liable  to  drown.  If  a  man  who  is  in  love  proposes 
promptly  to  the  object  of  his  adoration,  he  may  be  refused ; 
but  then  he  has  saved  considerable  time  in  which  to  effect  a 
cure. 

If  Mrs.  Hastrom  had  not  interfered  with  Jonas,  he  would 
have  known  his  fate  long  before ;  but  her  suggestions  had 
frightened  him,  and  he  forbore  to  ask  Miss  Kitty  the 
important  question.  Besides,  now  that  she  was  in  her  own 
home,  circumstances  were  changed  from  what  they  had  been 
at  the  mountains.  There  he  had  monopolized  her  society ; 
here  he  found  that  her  other  friends  occupied  a  large  part 
of  her  time.  He  very  soon  found  out  that  he  was  not  the 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  81 

only  man  who  looked  upon  Miss  Kitty  as  a  very  charming 
girl.  Her  friends  made  up  theatre-parties,  and  riding- 
parties,  and  rowing-parties,  and,  though  Jonas  was  gener- 
ally invited  to  go  with  them,  and  often  accompanied  Miss 
Kitty,  still  they  were  parties,  and  Jonas  could  by  no  means 
monopolize  Miss  Kitty. 

As  we  have  said,  Jonas  began  to  fear  that  Miss  Kitty  did 
not  love  him,  and  that  she  never  would  love  him.  Other 
people,  however,  were  not  quite  so  blind.  Miss  Kitty  was 
a  very  different  sort  of  a  girl  from  what  she  had  been  while 
Jonas  was  away.  She  had  quite  recovered  her  spirits,  and 
her  father  no  longer  complained  of  her  failure  to  sing  and 
laugh,  for  she  did  nothing  else. 

"I  think,  Kitty,"  said  Colonel  Withers,  one  day,  "  that  we 
had  better  take  another  trip." 

"Another  trip?"  said  she,  astonished. 

"  Yes.  You're  getting  too  noisy  and  high-spirited.  You 
know  when  you  came  back  from  the  mountains  you  were 
exceedingly  solemn." 

"  Oh,  no,  papa,"  cried  she  ;  "I  don't  want  to  go  away  now, 
and  I'll  be  more  sedate,  if  you  wish." 

"Not  a  bit,  little  one,"  said  he.  "Be  as  merry  as  you 
can ; "  and  he  kissed  her  gently  on  her  forehead.  "  Now  run 
and  see  why  they  don't  serve  up  my  breakfast." 

"Ah,"  mused  the  colonel,  as  she  left  the  room,  "they 
think  that  I  am  old,  and  blind,  and  can't  see  what  is  going 
on.  They  forget  that,  as  the  Americans  say,  'I've  been 
there  myself.'  No  matter,  it  will  come  to  me  finally,  for 
Kitty  will  not  marry  without  my  consent." 


82  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

One  evening  Jonas  thought  that  he  would  call  upon  his 
friends,  the  Hastroms,  and  consult  them,  or  at  least  Mrs. 
Hastrom,  as  to  whether  he  had  better  dare  all  at  present,  or 
still  wait,  not  patiently,  but  impatiently.  He  found  Charley 
and  his  wife  at  home,  and,  after  the  formal  greetings  had  been 
exchanged,  he  plunged  at  once  into  the  middle  of  his  subject. 

"Mrs.  Hastrom,"  said  he,  "some  time  ago  you  advised  me 
to  have  patience.  Do  you  still  so  advise  me  ?  " 

"To  tell  you  the  truth,  Colonel  Smith,"  said  Mrs.  Becky, 
"  I  dislike  to  interfere  in  such  matters." 

"  You  mean  about  Miss  Kitty  ?  "  asked  Charley. 

"Yes,"  replied  Jonas. 

"  And  you  still  want  to  marry  her  ?  " 

"I've  told  you  so  a  dozen  times." 

"A  dozen  !  More  likely  an  hundred.  Well,  my  boy,  as 
my  wife  won't  advise  you,  I  will." 

"You  will?" 

"  Yes  ;  and  here's  the  advice  in  short  metre  :  '  Go  in  and 
win.'" 

"  You  think  —  "  began  Jonas. 

"  Think  !  "  interrupted  Charley.  "  I  don't  think  anything 
about  it ;  I  know.  Women  are  always  won  out  of  hand. 
Dallying  never  won  a  woman.  If  she  doesn't  love  you  very 
soon  after  you  make  her  acquaintance,  she  never  will.  Look 
at  Mrs.  Becky  here  ;  she  fell  in  love  with  me  at  first  sight." 

"Nonsense,  Charley,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Not  a  bit  of  nonsense  about  it,"  replied  Charley.  "  That's 
the  kind  of  creatures  women  are.  They  don't  love  a  man 
because  he's  rich,  or  distinguished,  or  handsome,  but  because 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  83 

they  love  him.  So  you'd  better  strike  in  and  win  Miss  Kitty 
before  some  other  fellow  carries  her  off." 

"  And  you  think  —  "  asked  Jonas. 

"I  think,"  interrupted  Charley,  "that,  when  you  return 
here,  after  asking  the  momentous  question,  Becky  will  play, 
'See,  the  conquering  hero  comes."' 

"But  you,  Mrs.  Hastrom,  what  do  you  say?"  asked  Jonas. 
"Remember  I  have  kept  quiet,  in  accordance  with  your 
advice,  and  you  really  ought  to  tell  me  now  whether  I 
should  continue  to  keep  quiet." 

"  Well,"  said  Mrs.  Hastrom,  if  I  must  advise  you,  I  can 
only  repeat  Charley's  observation,  '  Go  in  and  wan.'" 

Now  Jonas  had  been  desiring  for  a  long  time  to  consult  the 
Hastroms,  but  a  man  of  delicate  feelings  does  not  like  to 
talk  about  such  things,  even  to  his  most  intimate  friends ; 
and,  besides,  he  was  afraid  that  Charley  would  laugh  at  him. 
However,  he  was  very  glad  that  he  had  consulted  them,  and 
he  put  vast  confidence  in  Mrs.  Hastrom's  advice.  On  the 
following  evening  Jonas  met  Miss  Kitty  at  a  ball.  Never 
had  she  seemed  so  dazzlingly  beautiful,  and  most  of  the 
young  men  present  seemed  to  agree  with  him,  for  they  abso- 
lutely swarmed  around  her.  To  be  sure  Jonas  danced  with 
her,  but  Charley's  suggestion  that  some  other  fellow  might 
rush  in  and  win  her  kept  whirling  through  his  brain,  and 
he  resolved  that  at  the  earliest  moment  he  would  end  his 
suspense. 


84  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A   COLONEL. 


CHAPTER 


THE    PROPOSAL. 

IT  must  be  admitted,  of  course,  that  we  have  all  of  us 
been,  at  some  time  in  our  existence,  "pilgrims  of  love.' 
That's  the  polite  way  of  putting  it,  but,  alas  !  too  many  of  us, 
while  pretending  to  be  such,  have  been  really  marching  to  a 
shrine  on  which  was  mounted  a  golden  calf.  However,  even 
those  of  us  who  really  were  devotees  of  Cupid  have  forgotten 
the  joyous  time  when  we  would  have  sold  our  souls  for  a 
smile.  That  being  the  case,  I  may  be  pardoned,  I  think,  for 
dwelling  to  such  an  extent  upon  Jonas'  love  experiences,  and 
may  be  excused,  if  I  paint  them  with  a  weak  hand. 

You  see  a  woman  differs  from  a  man  in  this  matter.  She 
is  happy  in  the  hope  of  possession  ;  he  must  possess,  must 
have  the  thing  he  desires,  at  the  earliest  possible  moment. 
A  woman  knows,  long  before  a  man  declares  his  passion,  that 
he  loves  her;  a  man,  with  his  ruder  thoughts  and  feelings, 
cannot  appreciate  the  delicate  thoughts,  ideas,  notions  of  a 
woman.  And,  besides,  a  man  in  love  is  proverbially  blind  ; 
so  that,  even  after  outsiders  have  discovered  a  woman's 
fancy,  the  man  of  her  choice  will  remain  ignorant  of  her 
preference. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  85 

Jonas,  however,  had  firmly  resolved  that,  upon  the  first 
opportunity,  he  would  tell  his  secret  to  Kitty.  Just  what  he 
ought  to  say  he  hardly  knew.  Making  proposals  of  this  kind 
was  a  new  business  to  him ;  he  had  often  flirted  up  to  that 
point,  but  he  had  never  passed  it.  He  was  well  aware  that 
the  heroes  in  novels  always  dropped  upon  their  knees,  and 
used  language  which  would  adorn  the  complete  letter- 
writer  ;  but  all  that  seemed  to  him  to  be  mere  claptrap.  He 
did  not  believe  that  he  could  tell  his  passion  any  more  effect- 
ively on  his  knees  than  in  some  more  convenient  position, 
and  he  resolved  that  he  would  tell  it  in  the  simplest  possible 
manner. 

One  evening  he  found  Kitty  alone ;  even  her  father  was 
out.  She  was  in  her  sitting-room  when  he  entered,  sitting 
silently  in  the  large  window,  gazing  rather  mournfully  out 
.upon  the  river ;  spring  had  come,  but  the  scene  without  was 
still  bleak  and  cheerless.  As  he  entered,  she  rose  and 
welcomed  him. 

"I  am  glad  that  you  have  called,"  said  she,  very  quietly, 
"  for  papa  has  left  me  alone  and  I  feel  —  " 

"  You  are  not  ill,  I  hope  ?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  she,  smiling. 

"Low-spirited,  then?"  inquired  he,  as  they  sat  in  the 
window. 

"No,  not  low-spirited,  simply  musing." 

"  And  may  I  ask  upon  what  ?  " 

"Friendship.     I  have  parted  with  a  friend  to-day." 

"A  male  friend?  "  asked  Jonas,  eagerly,  fearing  that  some 


86  THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT    A   COLONEL. 

other  person  of  his  own  sex  had  dared  to  look  with  longing 
eyes  upon  his  goddess. 

"Ah,  but  you  are  not  my  confessor,"  said  she,  archly. 

"  Would  to  Heaven  I  were  !  "  exclaimed  he.  "  Kitty,"  con- 
tinued he,  while  his  blood  swelled  fiercely  in  the  veins  of  his 
face,  "I  love  you  better  than  life.  Can  you  love  me  a 
little?" 

He  gazed  eagerly  upon  her,  her  eyes  were  cast  down ;  she 
raised  them  slowly  to  his  face,  he  read  his  answer  in  them, 
seized  her  in  his  arms,  and  pressed  burning  kisses  on 
her  lips. 

"  Then  you  do  love  me  a  little  ?  "  asked  he. 

"Just  a  very  little,"  replied  she,  smiling  brightly. 

"  But  you  will  learn  to  love  me  more  ?  " 

"No,"  replied  she,  looking  archly  up  into  his  face. 

"No?" 

"  No.  That  little  fills  all  my  heart,  and  how  can  I  possibly 
love  you  any  more  ?  " 

"Thank  you,  darling,"  exclaimed  he,  as  he  again  pressed 
her  much  closer  ty  his  bosom  than  was  apparently  at  all 
necessary. 

Conversation  under  such  circumstances  is  intended  only  for 
those  engaged  in  it,  and  how  can  you  expect  {hat  I,  one  of 
the  most  fastidious  of  scribes,  will  dare  to  present  to  you 
any  more  of  it  ?  What  they  found  to  say,  what  lovers  usually 
find  to  say,  under  such  circumstances,  is  one  of  those  mysteries 
which  no  fellow  can  find  out,  unless  he  has  been  through  the 
same  performance,  and  even  then  he  has  probably  forgotten 
all  about  it.  The  weather  wont  do  as  a  subject  for  conver- 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  87 

sation  on  such  an  important  occasion,  and  information  is  so 
limited,  that  it  seems  to  me  anybody  can  tell  any  other  body 
all  he  knows  in  a  very  short  period  of  time.  However,  they 
do  say  that  occasional  breaks  for  hugging  and  kissing  enable 
one  to  carry  on  a  conversation  indefinitely.  Those  breaks 
are  very  much  like  the  refreshment  stations  on  the  railroad 
line ;  they  enable  you  to  go  on  and  <on  forever. 

Whatever  our  lovers  may  have  talked  about,  certain  it  is 
that  three  hours  glided  by  unawares  ;  they  were  finally  aroused, 
however,  from  their  dream  of  bliss  by  the  noise  which  Colo- 
nel Withers  made  when  he  entered  the  house. 

"Oh,"  said  Kitty,  "there's  papa.  You  will  speak  to  him 
to  night,  won't  you,  for  you  know  I  cannot  marry  without 
papa's  consent,  and  I  want  his  approval  at  once  ?  " 

"  This  very  night,"  replied  Jonas. 

Then  she  ran  out  into  the  hall,  kissed  her  father  good- 
night, and  at  once  hastened  upstairs. 

"  That's  astonishing,"  muttered  the  colonel,  as  he  watched 
Kitty  in  her  upward  flight. 

Then  he  entered  the  sitting-room,  but  the  person  he  saw 
there  astonished  him  still  more.  Hardly  had  they  exchanged 
salutations,  when  Jonas  commenced  the  attack. 

"  Can  I  have  a  few  moments  of  your  time,  colonel  ?  "  asked 
Jonas.  "  I  should  like  to  speak  to  you  about  an  important 
matter. 

That  opened  the  colonel's  eyes,  and  so  he  winked  one  of 
them  gravely. 

"Certainly,"'  replied  the  colonel;  "as  many  moments  as 


88  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

you  please."  Then,  as  he  seated  himself  in  his  easy-chair, 
he  muttered,  "Now  for  some  strategy." 

"Colonel,"  said  Jonas,  "I  love  your  daughter.  Will  you 
give  her  to  me  ?  " 

"D — n  such  strategy,"  muttered  the  colonel,  in  an  under- 
tone. Then  to  Jonas  he  replied,  "  Well,  that's  coming  to  the 
point  with  a  vengeance." 

"  It's  the  better  way,  I  think,"  answered  Jonas. 

"Well,  sir,  does  the  girl  love  you?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  replied  Jonas. 

"Hem  !  Well,  I  must  say  that  you  seem  quite  confident 
about  that.  We'll  see  what  she  has  to  say  for  herself." 

Then  he  went  to  the  door  and  called  Kitty.  She  entered, 
blushing  vigorously  and  walking  slowly. 

"  Kitty,"  said  the  colonel,  "this  young  gentleman  has  the 
presumption  to  tell  me,  right  to  my  face,  that  you  love  him." 

"But  it  is  true,  papa,"  replied  she,  quite  gravely. 

"Oh,  it  is,  eh?  Well,  then,  I  don't  think  that  there  is 
anything  for  me  to  say." 

"  Against  it  you  mean,  papa?" 

"Why,  of  course,  Kitty." 

"And  now,  colonel,"  said  he  to  Jonas,  "if  you'll  say 
good-night,  I'll  send  Kitty  to  bed ;  and  though  I  don't  like 
to  drive  you  away,  still  I'll  take  the  liberty  of  a  father-in- 
law  and  tell  you  that  it  is  tolerably  late." 

"A  thousand  thanks  for  your  kindness,"  said  Jonas,  as  he 
grasped  the  hand  which  the  colonel  extended  to  him. 

Undoubtedly  Kitty  and  Jonas  said  good-night  to  their 
satisfaction  under  the  porch ;  at  least,  when  Kitty  came  into 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  89 

the  room,  on  her  return,  she  threw  her  arms  around  her 
father's  neck  and  whispered  in  his  ear :  — 
"  You  dear,  kind,  good  papa  !  " 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

BASKING  EN  SUNSHINE. 

WERE  I  to  picture  here  the  delights  of  courtship,  after 
acceptance,  I  should  probably  succeed  in  persuading  all  the 
young  gentlemen  who  do  me  the  honor  to  look  over  these 
pages,  and  who  are  in  that  delicate  position  described  as  on 
the  fence,  to  rush  off,  fling  themselves  at  the  feet  of  their 
charmers,  and  beg  the  aforesaid  charmers  to  name  the  day. 
Now  you  really  can't  imagine  that  I  desire  to  do  anything 
of  that  sort  at  a  time  like  the  present,  when  house-rent  is 
up,  and  incomes  are  down,  and  dresses  from  Worth's  cost 
their  weight  in  gold.  If  you  do  expect  anything  of  that 
sort,  you  have  mistaken  your  host.  Whatever  may  be  my 
faults,  inveigling  young  men  into  matrimonial  speculations 
is  not  one  of  them. 

Of  course  I  am  bound  to  admit  that  Jonas  and  Kitty  were 
extraordinarily  happy:  Jonas  walked  on  air,  as  its. were; 
Kitty  floated  on  happiness.  It  must  be  borne  in  mind, 
however,  that  it  takes  very  little  to  make  an  engaged  couple 


90  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

perfectly  happy.  All  he  asks  is  to  be  allowed  to  sit  by  the 
side  of  his  darling,  to  wind  his  arm  around  her  waist,  to 
look  into  her  eyes,  and  to  suck  nectar  from  her  lips  ;  all  she 
asks  is  to  be  hugged,  and  kissed,  and  to  be  allowed  to 
parade  her  lover  occasionally,  in  order  that  she  may  show 
the  other  girls  the  fish  that  has  come  to  her  net. 

Were  I  to  detail  here  the  walks,  the  rides,  the  visits,  the 
excursions  on  the  river,  and  the  innumerable  other  things, 
which  our  lovers  did  and  took,  I  should  simply  weary  you 
or  make  you  envious,  and  I  therefore  refrain.  To  them 
everything  seemed  bright,  and  fair,  and  lovely.  They  loved 
each  other,  they  were  engaged,  and  Kitty's  father  was  per- 
fectly satisfied.  Was  not  the  outlook  charming  ?  and  yet  — 
You  have  seen  perhaps  a  noble  ship,  sailing  in  from  the 
broad  Atlantic,  where,  for  days,  she  has  been  buffeted  by 
the  winds  and  waves.  Everything  seems  fair  and  bright ; 
the  waters  are  calm,  and  the  winds  are  favorable ;  she  is 
about  to  make  her  port.  Suddenly  a  wind  off  shore  springs 
up  ;  it  increases  in  violence,  and  drives  the  vessel  for  safety 
to  sea  once  more ;  the  wind  rises  to  a  hurricane,  a  tornado, 
and  the  vessel,  that  was  so  near  her  port,  is  driven  for  days 
on  the  broad  ocean,  the  sport  of  the  wind  and  waves..  For- 
tunate it  is  for  us  that  we  cannot  see  into  the  future,  not 
even  "  as  through  a  glass  darkly." 

Jonas  called  at  the  home  of  the  Hastroms  in  order  to 
relate  to  them  his  good  fortune.  Mrs.  Hastrom  was  not  at 
home,  but  Charley  was ;  so  Jonas  hastened  upstairs  to 
Charley's  sanctum,  where  he  found  that  individual,  seated  in 
an  easy-chair,  smoking  a  cigar,  and  carelessly  turning  over 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  91 

the  pages  of  a  magazine.  As  Jonas  entered,  Charley  burst 
forth :  — 

"There,  ray  dear  fellow,  don't!  Eestrain  yourself!  I 
surmise  it  all.  You  went,  you  saw,  you  conquered !  If 
Mrs.  Hastrom  were  at  home  I'd  make  her  play  "  See,  the  con- 
quering hero  comes,"  for  you.  As  she  isn't,  I'll  whistle  it,  if 
you  insist  upon  it.  Take  a  cigar,  and  a  chair,  and  how  are 
stocks?" 

"Hang  stocks!"  exclaimed  Jonas.  "I  didn't  come  here 
to  talk  about  stocks." 

"  Of  course  you  didn't,"  said  Charley.  "  You  came  here 
to  tell  us  that  you  are  on  the  verge  of  matrimony." 

"  Precisely,"  said  Jonas. 

"  Well,"  said  Charley,  "  Mrs.  Hastrom  takes  charge  of 
that  part  of  the  business  in  this  house.  Unfortunately  she 
isn't  in,  but  I'll  talk  stocks  with  you  till  she  comes." 

"  You're  a  nice  friend,"  said  Jonas,  "a precious  nice  friend. 
A  fellow  comes  here  to  tell  you  about  his  happiness,  and  to 
permit  you  to  congratulate  him — " 

"You  forget,  Jonas,"  said  Charley,  "that  I'm  married." 

"And  expects,"  continued  Jonas,  "  that  you'll  listen  to  his 
story ;  and,  by  Jove  !  you  burst  out  with  '  How's  stock  ? ' " 

"  Of  course  I  do.  You  see,  Jonas,  I've  been  all  through 
that  business  myself.  I  know  all  about  it.  I've  sighed  and 
ogled,  and  burned,  and  yearned,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
and  it's  awfully  stale  to  me,  especially  when  it's  another  fel- 
low's experience.  Now  I'm  interested  in  stocks,  but  not  a 
bit  in  love." 

"You're  in  a  nice  humor  to-night,"  added  Jonas. 


92  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

However  Mrs.  Hastrom  came  in  presently,  and  she  lis- 
tened eagerly  to  Jonas'  confidences.  More  than  that  she 
suppressed  Charley,  whenever  he  attempted  to  interfere. 

"Now,  Becky,"  urged  Charley,  after  Jonas  had  dwelt  for  a 
considerable  time  upon  the  beauties  of  his  Kitty,  *'  have  we 
not  had  almost  enough  of  this  ?  Jonas  is  a  little  out  of  his 
head  just  now,  but  a  year  of  matrimony  will  cure  him." 

"  Has  it  cured  you  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

''Perfectly, '\replied  Charley;  "all  I  ask  now  is  that  you 
shall  keep  buttons  on  my  shirts,  and  furnish  me  with  sub- 
stantial meals." 

"  And  that's  the  effect  of  matrimony  !"  ejaculated  Jonas. 

"Not  a  doubt  of  it,"  replied  Charley.  "Some  day  I'll 
trade  Becky  off  for  a  trotting-horse." 

Becky  laughed  as  if  she  was  not  much  frightened,  and  Jonas 
went  away  to  Kitty. 

"The  truth  is,  Becky,"  said  Charley,  after  Jonas  had 
departed,  "you  are  compelled,  for  self-protection,  to  sup- 
press these  young  fellows  who  have  just  started  in  the  love 
business,  or  they'll  bore  you  to  death  with  the  beauties  of 
their  charmers." 

Charley's  talk,  however,  did  not  in  the  least  interfere  with 
the  happiness  of  Jonas.  Kitty  was  willing  enough  to  listen 
to  the  raptures  of  her  lover,  and  Jonas  was  no  wise  back- 
wards in  painting  brilliant  pictures  of  the  future.  You  see, 
as  before  suggested,  people  have  not  the  power  of  foretelling 
what  is  to  come,  and  youth  seldom  presages  disaster  to  its 
hopes.  If,  as  he  wandered  by  Kitty's  side  down  some 
pleasant  lane,  or  floated  with  her  idly  on  the  bosom  of  the 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  93 

broad  Hudson,  a  stray  thought  that  such  perfect  happiness 
could  not  last  forever  darted  through  his  mind,  he  did  not 
for  a  moment  dream  that  his  cup  of  bliss  could  be  dashed 
from  his  hand  by  his  own  act,  —  that  some  little  sin  of 
omission  would  rise  up  and  ruin  him. 


CHAPTER   XX. 

MAJOR     MACKENZIE. 

THE  most  intimate  friend  of  Colonel  Withers  was  a  cer- 
tain Major  Mackenzie.  He  was  a  fiery  little  Scotchman ;  he 
had  stiff  red  hair  on  his  head,  and  bristly  red  hair  on  his 
chin  and  cheeks.  He  was  short,  decidedly  short ;  but  then 
his  carriage  was  everything,  and  any  one  seeing  him  walking 
down  the  avenue  would  have  imagined  that  he  was  at  least 
six  feet  in  height.  His  temper  was  not  of  the  sweetest, 
and  his  language  sometimes  travelled  outside  of  the  limits  of 
what  we  call  parliamentary  ujage.  The  colonel  had  known 
the  major  in  the  English  army.  The  major,  however,  had 
been  settled  in  New  York  for  some  time,  and  he  was  making 
a  fortune  in  the  wine  business. 

During  the  period  whose  events  we  have  heretofore  de- 
tailed, the  major  had  been  in  Europe,  visiting,  as  he  said, 
the  Mackenzies.  Shortjy  after  the  engagement  of  Jonas 
and  Kitty,  however,  the  major  returned  to  New  York,  and 


94  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Colonel  Withers  hastened  to  congratulate  him  on  his  arrival, 
intending,  of  course,  in  the  interview,  to  tell  the  major 
about  the  proposed  addition  to  his  family  in  the  shape  of  a 
son-in-law.  After  the  usual  salutations  and  congratulations 
were  over,  the  major  placed  before  his  guest  a  bottle  of 
wine  and  a  box  of  cigars,  and  they  dropped  into  general 
conversation. 

"  And  how  did  you  find  the  Mackenzie  family  ?  "  asked  the 
colonel. 

"Flourishing,"  replied  the  major.  "They'll  never  die 
out.  They  multiply  like  rabbits.  I  brought  one  of  them 
with  me." 

"  Ah  !  "  said  the  colonel. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  major,  —  "  my  nephew.  You  ought  to 
see  him." 

"I  should  like  to,"  replied  the  colonel. 

"And  you  shall,"  added  the  major.  " He's  a  lieutenant  in 
her  majesty's  army,  he's  six  feet  in  his  stockings,  and  he's 
a  full-blooded  Mackenzie,  — freckles,  and  red  hair,  and  all." 

"Bring  him  out  with  you  to  the  house,"  said  the  colonel. 

"  That's  what  I  mean  to  do,"  said  the  major.  "The  truth 
is,  colonel,  we've  been  friends  for  many  years." 

"  Of  course  we  have,"  interrupted  the  colonel. 

"And  he's  my  only  nephew,  my  nearest  relation." 

"  That  comes  from  your  refusing  to  marry,"  suggested  the 
colonel. 

"  I  suppose  so,"  said  the  major ;  "  but  I  was  thinking  that 
we  might  marry  this  nephew  of  mine  to  your  daughter." 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  95 

"My  dear  major,"  exclaimed  the  colonel,  "I'd  be  de- 
lighted, but  — 

"  But  what  ?  "  cried  the  major.  "  Isn't  a  Mackenzie  good 
enough  for  you  ?  " 

"Of  course,"  replied  the  colonel;  "but  the  truth  is  that 
my  daughter  is  already  engaged." 

"  Oh  I  "  said  the  major. 

"Yes,"  replied  the  colonel,  "and  I  came  down  to  consult 
you  about  that." 

Thereupon  the  colonel  detailed  to  the  major  the  events 
which  have  been  heretofore  described,  and  then  listened 
patiently  to  hear  what  the  major  had  to  say. 

"And  you  say  he's  a  military  man?  "  asked  the  major. 

"Yes,"  replied  the  colonel,  "he's  a  colonel." 

"  Ah ! "  said  the  major.     "  A  colonel  in  her  majesty's  ?  " 

"Oh,  no  ;  an  American  colonel." 

"Just  so,"  suggested  the  major. 

"But  a  colonel's  a  colonel,"  urged  Colonel  Withers. 

"That's  as  may  be,"  answered  the  major;  "but  for  my 
part,  I'd  rather  be  a  lieutenant  in. her  majesty's  army  than  a 
brigadier-general  here.  What's  the  gentleman's  name  ?  " 

"Smith,"  replied  the  colonel,  in  an  irresolute  tone. 

"  Smith  !  "  exclaimed  the  major,  "  Smith  !  Well,  it's  lucky 
that  it  isn't  Brown." 

"  Why,"  said  the  colonel,  "  there's  nothing  the  matter  with 
the  name." 

"Nothing  that  I  know  of,"  said  the  major ;  "but  I'd  rather 
be  one  Mackenzie  than  forty  Smiths.  I  hope  his  Christian 
name  isn't  John." 


96  THE  MAN"  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL. 

"No,"  replied  the  colonel,  "it's  Jonas."     ' 

"  Well,"  said  the  major,  "  that's  an  improvement,  if  a  man 
can  see  it.  It's  a  pity,  though,"  added  he,  shaking  his  head  ; 
"  it's  a  pity  !  " 

"  What's  a  pity?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

"To  throw  away  such  a  chance,"  replied  the  major. 

"What  chance?"  inquired  the  colonel. 

"  Haven't  I  told  you  ?  "  exclaimed  the  major.  "  Didn't  I 
bring  over  my  nephew  specially  to  marry  her?  Mightn't 
she  have  been  a  Mackenzie  of  the  Mackenzies  !  " 

"But  she  might  not  have  liked  your  nephew." 

"  Not  like  him  !  Don't  you  give  your  daughter  credit  for 
such  beastly  taste.  Not  like  a  Mackenzie,  and  he  with  six 
feet  of  legs  and  body,  and  the  regular  Mackenzie  hair ! 
Don't  you  believe  it !  What  kind  of  a  colonel  is  this 
Smith?" 

"That  I  don't  know,"  replied  the  colonel;  "he'll  never 
talk  about  military  matters." 

"Then  he  don't  know  his  trade,"  said  the  major. 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?  "  asked  the  colonel,  eagerly. 

"  Not  a  doubt  of  it,"  answered  the  major.  "  Where  did 
he  get  his  title  ?  " 

Then  the  colonel  detailed  the  story  which  Charley  had 
told  him,  giving  the  major  all  the  incidents  just  as  Charley 
had  narrated  them. 

"  Hum  !  "  said  the  major. 

"What  do  you  mean  by  'hum'  ?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

"Now,  look  here,  colonel,  did  you  ever  see  anything  of 
that  sort  done  in  India  ?  " 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  97 

"No,"  said  the  colonel,  reflectively. 

"  Or  anywhere  else  ?  "  asked  the  major. 

"Well,"  said  the  colonel,  " I  can't  say  that  I  have." 

"  None  of  our  fellows  ever  won  their  straps  in  that  way," 
said  the  major ;  "  it  may  be  all  right,  but  it  sounds  awfully 
fishy." 

"  You  don't  mean  that  he  isn't  a  colonel  ?  "  urged  Colonel 
Withers. 

"I  don't  say  that  now,"  replied  the  major.  "I'll  tell 
you  when  I  see  him." 

"Well,"  said  the  colonel,  "I  give  one  of  our  little  dinners 
next  week ;  come  up  and  see  him." 

"  I'll  do  so,"  said  the  major. 

And  then  the  veterans  parted. 

The  colonel  went  home  quite  unhappy.  Smith  was  quite 
a  plebeian  name,  and  a  colonelcy  here  was  not  like  a 
colonelcy  in  England.  And  suppose  that,  after  all,  Jonas 
was  not  a  colonel.  However,  the  colonel  resolved  to  permit 
matters  to  remain  as  they  were  until  the  major  came  to  the 
little  dinner ;  and,  if  the  major  should  discover  that  Jonas 
Smith  was  not  a  colonel,  then  —  well,  the  colonel  resolved 
that  his  proceedings  should  be  summary. 


THE   MAN   WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

A  LITTLE  DINNER  AT  THE    COLONEL'S. 

COLONEL  Withers  was  accustomed  to  have  occasional 
gatherings  at  his  house,  which  were  peculiarly  his  own,  and 
they  invariably  took  the  form  of  dinners.  They  were  called 
by  him  little  dinners,  because  he  seldom  had  at  them  more 
than  a  dozen  guests.  They  were  always  military  assem- 
blages. No  one  was  invited  to  them,  —  that  is  to  say,  no  one 
of  the  male  sex,  —  who  had  not  a  handle  to  his  name  of  the 
military  kind.  The  ladies  who  attended  were  the  wives  of 
these  gallant  warriors,  and  were  invited  by  the  colonel  merely 
to  keep  Kitty  in  countenance ;  for  he  feared  that  she  might 
feel  diffident,  while  presiding  over  such  an  assemblage  of 
veterans,  if  left  without  the  support  of  others  of  her  sex. 

The  colonel  insisted  upon  the  proceedings  at  these  little 
reunions  being  carried  on  in  a  particular  manner,  and  the 
programme  was  as  follows :  the  guests  arrived  shortly 
before  dinner ;  after  dinner  the  ladies  retired  from  the  din- 
ing-room, while  the  gentlemen  remained  there  with  the  wine 
and  cigars.  Then  the  colonel  was  in  his  element,  and  there 
the  veterans  would  sit  and  fight  over  old  and  new  campaigns, 
until  the  discussion  became  so  warm  as  to  look  dangerous, 


THE    MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL.  99 

when  they  would  adjourn  to  the  ladies  and  tea.  After  the 
gentlemen  had  reached  the  parlor,  a  few  songs  would  be 
sung,  occasionally  a  rubber  of  whist  would  be  played,  and 
the  party  would  break  up  at  an  early  hour. 

It  had  happened  that  the  colonel  had  not  held  one  of  his 
little  dinners  since  Jonas  had  formed  his  acquaintance.  The 
truth  was  that  the  colonel  missed  Major  Mackenzie,  who 
was,  so  to  speak,  his  right  bower,  and  he  had  waited  for  the 
major's  return  to  New  York  rather  impatiently.  As  soon  as 
the  major  reached  the  city  the  colonel  resolved  to  give  a 
dinner,  so  that  he  could  introduce  the  gentleman,  who  was 
to  be  his  son-in-law,  to  his  military  friends.  Jonas  of 
course,  when  he  was  invited,  promised  to  attend ;  but,  as  he 
was  chatting  with  Miss  Kitty  at  the  time,  he  forgot  that  he 
would  be  compelled  to  appear  on  that  occasion  as  a  military 
gentleman.  Perhaps,  however,  it  was  just  as  well  that  he 
did ;  for  what  would  life  be  worth,  if  we  were  constantly 
looking  forward  to  the  possibilities  of  the  future  in  the  way 
of  misery? 

At  length  the  eventful  day  came  around,  and  the  guests 
duly  appeared.  Major  Mackenzie  brought  his  nephew, 
Lieutenant  Mackenzie,  with  him.  The  other  guests  were 
four  ex-officers  of  the  Union  army  and  their  wives.  The 
colonel  had  intended  that  Major  Mackenzie  or  his  nephew 
should  escort  Kitty  to  dinner ;  but  Jonas  and  Kitty  dis- 
turbed his  plans,  and  they  went  in  together.  Once  at  the 
table,  Jonas  devoted  himself  so  assiduously  to  Miss  Kitty 
that  the  colonel,  though  he  made  efforts  to  do  so,  was 
unable  to  draw  Jonas  into  the  discussion  of  military  evolu- 


100  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

tions,  which  had  commenced  among  the  veterans.  Once  the 
colonel  did  get  an  answer  from  him  ;  for,  when  the  colonel 
asked  Jonas  if  he  did  not  think  a  certain  method  was  the 
best  one,  he  answered  "Of  course."  Unfortunately,  or  for- 
tunately, Kitty  had,  at  that  moment,  asked  Jonas  if  he 
would  come  to  the  parlor  as  soon  as  he  could  after  the 
ladies  left  the  table,  and  it  is  barely  possible  that  the 
answer  applied  to  her  question. 

The  major  and  the  colonel  disagreed  on  some  point,  and 
they  became  so  much  interested  in  it  that  even  the  presence 
of  the  fairer  sex  was  hardly  sufficient  to  keep  them  within 
bounds.  They  were  both  vigorous  fighters  at  the  table  and 
in  the  field ;  -and,  when  either  of  them  had  enunciated  a 
proposition,  it  was  hardly  possible  for  them  to  drop  it  until 
the  opponent  was  willing  to  acknowledge  himself  van- 
quished. They  were  both  supported  by  some  of  the  gentle- 
men present,  and  the  war  of  words  was  waging  fiercely. 
To  be  sure  all  this  was  rather  caviare  to  the  female  guests  ; 
but  then  it  was  always  understood  that  these  little  dinners 
were  specially  the  colonel's,  and  that  military  affairs  would 
monopolize  the  conversation. 

Presently  the  ladies  left  the  room.  Jonas  held  the  door 
open  to  allow  them  to  pass  out,  and  his  eyes  followed  Kitty 
longingly,  as  if  he,  too,  would  be  willing,  for  the  nonce,  to  be 
a  lady,  merely  for  the  pleasure  of  being  banished  from  the 
dining-room.  But  banishment  just  then  was  not  to  be  his 
fortune  ;  respect  for  his  host  and  for  the  other  guests  com- 
pelled hun  to  return  to  the  table. 

"  And  now,  gentlemen,"  said  the  colonel,  after  the  ladies 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  101 

had  departed,  "draw  together,  and  pass  the  wine  more 
rapidly." 

"Yes,  colonel,"  said  Major  Mackenzie,  "and  touching  that 
point  we  were  discussing,  don't  you  admit  that  you  were 
wrong?" 

"Not  a  bit  of  it,"  replied  the  colonel.  "And  now  that 
the  ladies  have  departed  I'll  show  you  in  a  minute  the 
whole  affair." 

Jonas  sat  down,  prepared  to  wait  until  this  interminable 
discussion  should  end.  Meanwhile,  as  he  was  not  com- 
pelled to  say  anything,  nor  even  to  listen,  he  fell  to 
wondering  what  Kitty  was  doing ;  whether  she  was  dull  and 
wearied  or  bright  and  lively ;  whether  she  was  wishing  for 
him  as  much  as  he  was  desiring  her ;  and  finally  he  began  to 
wonder  what  he  had  ever  done,  what  he  had  ever  been, 
what  he  was  ever  likely  to  be,  to  entitle  him  to  take 
possession  of  such  a  glorious  creature. 

Presently  he  heard  Kitty's  clear,  sweet  voice  singing 
"  Clochette,"  the  little  song  he  had  taught  her;  and  he  rose 
from  his  chair,  thinking  that  in  the  midst  of  the  discussion, 
which  had  now  become  general,  he  might  steal  away  unob- 
served, and  make  his  way  into  the  parlor.  Unfortunately 
at  that  moment  Colonel  Withers  felt  the  necessity  of  some 
assistance,  so  he  exclaimed :  — 

"  Very  well,  then,  we'll  leave  it  to  Colonel  Smith  !  " 

He  turned  to  Jonas  and  found  that  that  gentleman  was 
about  to  leave  the  table. 

"Hold  on,  colonel,"  said  he ;  "don't  go  yet.  "We  haven't 
commenced  to  think  of  breaking  up  yet." 


102  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

So  Jonas  sat  down  again,  and  found  himself  effectually 
fastened  to  the  chair. 

"Well,"  said  the  colonel  to  Major  Mackenzie,  "will  you 
leave  it  to  Colonel  Smith  ? ' 

"  I  don't  know  about  that,"  said  the  wary  major.  "  Isn't 
that  too  much  like  leaving  it  to  yourself?  " 

"No,  sir,"  said  Colonel  Withers.  "Colonel  Smith  has 
as  yet  expressed  no  opinion.  I  don't  know  what  he  may 
think  about  it  any  more  than  you  do." 

"Well,  well,"  said  the  major,  "we'll  take  his  opinion; 
and,  if  we  don't  like  it,  why,  I  suppose  there's  no  law 
compelling  us  to  stand  by  it." 

"Well,  colonel,"  said  Colonel  Withers  to  Jonas,  "what  is 
your  opinion?" 

"About  what?"  inquired  Jonas,  simply. 

"About  what?"  cried  the  major.  "Why,  where  have 
the  boy's  wits  been?  Ah,  young  man,  you've  missed  one 
of  the  most  beautiful  discussions." 

"But,  major,"  said  Colonel  Withers,  " if  he  has  not  heard 
any  of  the  discussion,  why,  he  will  make  so  much  the 
better  a  referee." 

"That's  true,  that's  very  true,"  observed  the  major ;  "but 
who  is  to  state  the  proposition  ?  " 

"Well,"  replied  the  colonel,  "I'll  state  it;  and  if  you 
have  any  amendments  to  offer  you  can  then  present  them  to 
him." 

"That's  agreeable  to  me,  quite  agreeable,"  responded  the 
major. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  103 

"Now,  colonel,"  said  Colonel  Withers  to  Jonas,  "the 
major  maintains  —  " 

"Nay,  nay,  colonel,"  interrupted  the  major;  "it's  you 
who  maintain.  I  merely  combat  the  proposition  that  you 
have  stated." 

"Well,  it  makes  no  difference." 

"Ay,  but  it  does  to  me,  it  does  to  me,  colonel,"  responded 
the  major. 

"  Then,"  said  the  colonel,  "  I  maintain  —  " 

"That's true,  colonel,"  interrupted  the  major,  "and  now 
the  boot's  on  the  right  leg.  You  maintain  —  " 

"That,"  continued  the  colonel,  "  cavalry  can  be  used  to  as 
much  advantage  in  modern  wars  as  it  could  in  those  of 
former  days." 

"  And  I  deny  the  proposition,"  added  the  major.  "  And 
now,  young  man,  give  us  your  opinion." 

Jonas  knew  as  much  about  cavalry  and  its  uses  as  a  Guinea 
negro  knows  about  astronomy ;  but  the  thought  darted  through 
his  mind  that  he  was  bound  to  know  something  about  that 
branch  of  warfare,  and  he  further  thought  that,  if  he  hesi- 
tated, he  was  lost,  so  he  replied  quite  promptly  :  — 

"  Well,  I  must  say  that  I  agree  with  the  colonel." 

"  There,"  cried  Colonel  Withers,  "I  told  you  so.  I  knew 
I  must  be  right." 

"And  you  may  be,"  added  the  major,  "but  I  doubt  it. 
By  the  way,  colonel,"  continued  he,  addressing  Jonas,  "of 
what  regiment  was  you  colonel  ?  " 

That  was  a  poser  for  Jonas.  Several  of  the  gentlemen  at 
the  board  had  been  in  the  Union  army,  and,  if  Jonas  should 


104  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

name  a  regiment  at  a  venture,  how  could  he  be  certain  that 
some  one  of  those  gentlemen  had  not  served  in  it?  Besides, 
he  had  never  actually  given  any  one  a  right  to  call  him  colo- 
nel, he  had  simply  passively  allowed  the  title  to  be  affixed 
to  his  name.  Furthermore  the  fact  that  his  title  was  not  legit- 
imate, was  sure  to  come  out  on  some  occasion,  and  it  might 
as  well  come  out  first  as  last.  These  thoughts  passed  through 
his  mind  like  a  flash,  and  he  replied  to  the  major :  — 
"  Oh,  that  is  merely  a  nickname.  I'm  not  a  colonel." 
"  I  thought  so,"  said  the  major,  as  he  leaned  back  in  his 
chair  and  looked  triumphantly  at  Colonel  Withers. 


CHAPTER  XXH. 

THE  COLONEL  CONSULTS  THE  MAJOR. 

THE  colonel  was  so  astonished  at  this  confession  of  Jonas 
that  he  sprang  up  from  his  chair.  Everybody  thought  that 
that  was  the  signal  for  leaving  the  table,  and  so  they  all  stood 
up.  At  first  astonishment  had  struck  the  colonel  dumb,  and, 
fortunately,  when  speech  came  to  him,  he  remembered  his 
guests,  and  so,  instead  of  inquiring  into  the  matter  then  and 
there,  he  simply  led  the  way  to  the  parlor. 

As  soon  as  they  reached  the  parlor,  Jonas  hastened  to- 
wards the  sofa  on  which  Kitty  was  sitting,  but  he  was  stopped 
on  the  way  by  the  old  colonel,  who,  in  a  chilling  tone,  re- 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL.         105 

marked,  "  I  should  like  to  see  you  after  the  other  folks  have 
gone  away." 

"Certainly,"  replied  Jonas,  wondering  why  the  colonel 
used  such  a  tone,  and  also  what  the  colonel  could  possibly 
want  to  see  him  about.  However,  he  continued  his  journey 
towards  Miss  Kitty. 

Meanwhile  Colonel  Withers  made  his  way  to  Major 
Mackenzie. 

"Major,"  said  the  colonel,  "will  you  come  into  the  sitting- 
room  for  a  few  moments  with  me  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  replied  the  major. 

"  I  want  to  consult  you,"  continued  the  colonel,  "  about 
this  matter." 

"You  mean  our  friend  yonder,"  said  the  major,  pointing 
to  Jonas. 

"Yes,"  replied  the  colonel,  as  he  led  the  way  out  of  the 
room. 

When  the  two  veterans  had  reached  the  sitting-room,  the 
colonel  opened  the  conversation. 

"  Take  a  cheroot,  major.  A  fellow  thinks  better  when  he's 
smoking,  and  I'm  so  knocked  up  by  this  thing  that  I  really 
must  smoke  to  calm  my  nerves." 

So  they  lit  their  cigars  and  fell  to  smoking. 

"  Now,  major,"  said  the  colonel,  "  tell  me  frankly  what  you 
think  about  this  thing." 

"Well,"  said  the  major,  "it's  rather  delicate  ground." 

"  But,"  said  the  colonel,  "  I  waive  that  consideration ;  I 
consult  you  as  a  friend." 


106  THE   MAN   WHO    WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL. 

"Well,"  said  the  major,  "it's  quite  evident  that  Mr. 
Smith  is  not  a  colonel." 

"  Quite,"  muttered  Colonel  "Withers. 

"And  just  as  evident  that  he  isn't  a  military  man  at  all." 

"I  know  it,"  groaned  the  colonel.     "He  has  admitted  it." 

"And  he's  engaged  to  your  daughter,"  continued  the 
major,  "with  your  consent." 

"Yes,"  replied  the  colonel,  mournfully. 

"  Well,"  said  the  major,  "  I  don't  like  to  be  personal,  but 
if  I  had  a  daughter  —  " 

"  Well,"  interrupted  the  colonel,  "  if  you  had  a  daughter  ?  " 

"  She  should  never  marry  any  one  who  was  not  a  military 
man." 

"No  more  shall  mine,"  cried  the  colonel,  slapping  his 
hand  on  the  table. 

"I  thought  that  was  your  opinion,"  said  the  major. 

"  I've  said  it  more  than  an  hundred  times,"  responded  the 
colonel,  "and  I  mean  to  stick  to  it." 

"Then,"  said  the  major,  "the  only  question  remaining  is, 
how  are  you  to  get  rid  of  Mr.  Smith?" 

"That's  it,"  said  the  colonel ;  " and  yet  I  like  the  fellow." 

"But  he  isn't  a  military  man,"  remorselessly  added  the 
major. 

"No,"  said  the  colonel. 

"He  had  no  right  to  deceive  you,"  said  the  major. 

"  Of  course  he  hadn't." 

"And  I'd  simply  tell  him  —  if  she  were  my  daughter  — 
that  the  engagement  must  be  broken." 

"But  the  girl  loves  him,  major." 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  107 

"Pooh !  love's  all  folderol,"  said  the  major,  with  an 
expression  of  great  contempt. 

"I'm  afraid  she  may  suffer." 

"  Pshaw  !  "  said  the  major.  "  No  one  ever  dies  from  love. 
How  many  women  did  you  fall  in  love  with  before  you 
married?" 

"  I  don't  know,"  replied  the  colonel. 

"Dozens,  Atfithout  doubt,"  said  the  major.  "When  I  was 
a  youngster  I  was  always  falling  in  love,  and  yet  I've  sur- 
vived. No  one  ever  died  of  love  yet,  outside  of  a  novel." 

"And  how  would  you  dismiss  him?"  asked  the  colonel. 

"  Well,"  said  the  major,  "  I  should  treat  him  kindly.  The 
fellow  is  a  nice  enough  person,  if  he  were  only  a  military 
man,  and  I  don't  see  any  occasion  for  treating  him  badly." 

"I'm  much  obliged,  major,"  said  the  colonel.  "I've  a 
rough  piece  of  work  ahead." 

"  Oh,"  said  the  major,  "you  know  you  can  let  it  stand  as 
it  is.  All  I  have  suggested  has  been  what  I  would  do,  if  I 
had  a  daughter,  and  she  was  in  the  position  that  yours  is. 
No  daughter  of  mine  should  ever  marry  any  one  but  a 
military  man." 

"Nor  shall  mine,"  exclaimed  the  colonel.  "I've  said  it, 
and  I'll  stand  by  it." 

"  And  I  think  you're  right,"  said  the  major. 

"  And  now,  major,"  said  the  colonel,  "  if  you'll  leave  me 
for  a  few  moments,  I'll  join  you  presently." 

The  major  left  the  room  and  the  colonel  remained  behind. 
The  colonel  had  made  up  his  mind  as  to  what  he  would  do 
in  regard  to  this  matter ;  but  he  mortally  disliked  to  do  it. 


108  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

He  liked  Jonas  heartily  and  thoroughly,  and,  worse  than 
that,  Kitty  loved  Jonas ;  but  the  colonel  had  made  up  his 
mind,  years  before,  that  his  daughter  should  marry  a  military 
man  or  remain  an  old  maid,  and  he  could  not  give  up  that 
resolution.  As  he  walked  the  floor,  he  groaned  as  he 
remembered  that  he  himself  had  thrown  Jonas  in  Kitty's 
way,  and  had  encouraged  their  mutual  affection.  However, 
he  resolved  that  he  would  separate  them,  cost  what  it  might, 
and,  having  so  resolved,  he  went  among  his  guests. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

THE   COLONEL    SPEAKS   HIS   MIND. 

MEANWHILE  in  the  parlor  conversation  had  commenced  to 
lag.  Thereupon  the  veterans  besieged  Miss  Kitty,  and 
demanded  from  her  a  song.  Major  Mackenzie  came  to  their 
assistance. 

"You  know,  Miss  Kitty,"  said  the  major,  "that  the  Scotch 
are  desperately  fond  of  music,  and  surely  you  will  oblige 
an  old  friend." 

"Of  course  I  will,  major.  What  shall  it  be,  'Annie 
Laurie'?" 

"  Nay,  nay,"  replied  the  major.  "  I'm  not  picking  out  the 
songs.  Sing  us  anything  you  please ;  or  we'll  leave  it  to 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  109 

Colonel  Smith  here,  who  unfortunately  doesn't  agree  with 
me  about  cavalry." 

"But  does  agree  with  you,"  said  Jonas,  bowing  to  the 
major,  "in  liking  to  hear  Miss  Kitty  sing." 

The  major  had  intended  to  lead  Miss  Kitty  to  the  piano, 
but  he  was  so  slow  and  pompous  in  his  motions,  that,  before 
he  had  made  the  first  movement  in  that  direction,  Jonas  had 
started  towards  the  piano  with. her. 

"Well,"  muttered  the  major,  "he's  got  cheek  enough  to 
be  a  general,  let  alone  a  colonel." 

Kitty  sang,  but,  as  after  she  had  finished,  her  auditors 
demanded  a  repetition  of  her  efforts,  she  and  Jonas  sang  a 
duet,  which  excited  the  admiration  even  of  our  Scotch 
major,  who  congratulated  Jonas  upon  his  knowledge  of 
music,  insinuating,  however,  that  it  would  be  well  for  him 
to  increase  his  information  as  to  the  uses  of  cavalry. 

Presently  the  little  party  broke  up,  and  the  guests  departed. 
The  major  was  the  last  to  leave,  except  Jonas.  The  colonel 
bade  the  major  good-night  at  the  door,  and  then  returned  to 
the  parlor,  where  Jonas  and  Kitty  were  seated.  As  he 
entered  the  room  the  colonel's  manner  was  excessively 
dignified  and  imposing,  and  the  expression  of  his  counte- 
nance was  very  severe. 

"Colonel  Smith,"  said  he,  laying  a  vicious  emphasis  upon 
the  title,  "I  should  like  to  see  you  in  the  sitting-room." 

Kitty  sprang  up,  looked  at  her  father  with  astonishment, 
and  exclaimed :  — 

"Why,  papa  —  " 

"Never  mind,  Kitty,"  interrupted  the  colonel;   "I  don't 


110  THE    MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL. 

want  you,  I  want  Colonel  Smith."  Again  he  placed  that 
terrible  emphasis  on  the  title. 

Kitty  sat  down  dumfounded. 

"  I'll  be  with  you  in  a  moment,"  said  Jonas  to  the  colonel, 
as  that  gentleman  left  the  room. 

"  What  can  papa  want?  "  asked  Kitty. 

"I  can't  imagine,"  replied  Jonas. 

"  But  you'll  return  here  ?  "  asked  Eatty. 

"  Of  course  I  will,"  replied  Jonas. 

Then  he  left  the  room,  and  went  to  the  sitting-room  where 
the  colonel  was. 

"  Sir,"  said  the  colonel,  after  gazing  silently  at  Jonas  for  a 
few  moments,  "you  made  a  remark  at  my  dinner-table  to- 
day, about  which  I  wish  to  speak  to  you." 

"  Oh,  about  the  cavalry,"  said  Jonas. 

"No,  sir,"  said  the  colonel ;  "about  yourself." 

"  About  myself  ?  " 

"Yes,  sir.     You  said  that  you  was  not  a  colonel." 

"Oh,  yes,"  replied  Jonas ;  "I  recollect." 

"  And  is  that  true  ?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

" Certainly,"  replied  Jonas.  "It's  a  nickname  which  my 
friends  gave  me,  and  to  which  I  have  become  so  accustomed 
that  I  answer  to  it  unconsciously." 

"Then,  sir,"  said  the  colonel,  "you  have  deceived  me." 

"Not  intentionally,"  said  Jonas. 

"Intentionally  or  not,"  replied  the  colonel,  "you  have 
entered  my  house  under  false  pretences." 

Jonas  hung  his  head.  His  own  conscience  reproved  him 
considerably ;  he  felt  that  he  should  have  been  more  explicit 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  Ill 

perhaps,  but  he  was  so  much  accustomed  to  the  title  that,  in 
his  early  acquaintance  with  Colonel  Withers,  he  had  borne  it 
without  any  design  other  than  that  of  continuing  a  pleasant 
acquaintance  during  a  journey,  and  since  that  time  he  had 
forgotten  all  about  it. 

"  You  have  obtained,"  continued  the  colonel,  "  my  consent 
to  your  marriage  with  my  daughter  by  an  imposition  on  me. 
Know,  sir,  that  I  had  resolved  long  ago  that  she  should 
marry  a  military  gentleman,  and  I  consented  to  an  engage- 
ment between  you  and  her  because  I  thought  that  you  was 
honestly  entitled  to  the  title  you  bear." 

"But  hear  me,  colonel!  Allow  me,  I  beg  of  you,  to 
explain,"  exclaimed  Jonas. 

"  Is  your  explanation  that  you  really  are  a  colonel  ?  "  asked 
Colonel  Withers,  in  his  most  solemn  tone. 

"No,  sir,  I  am  not  a  colonel,  but  —  " 

"Then,  sir,"  interrupted  the  old  colonel,  "there  is  no 
explanation.  This  engagement  with  my  daughter  must  be 
broken  off  at  once." 

"  Surely,  Colonel  Withers,"  exclaimed  Jonas,  "you  do  not 
mean  that ! " 

"But  I  do  mean  it,"  replied  the  colonel,  sternly.  "My 
daughter  shall  marry  a  military  gentleman,  or  die  an  old 
maid." 

"But  she  loves  me,  colonel.  Have  you  no  thought  for 
her?" 

"  Then  I'll  cure  her.  She  still  loves  her  father  a  little,  I 
presume,  and  will  obey  his  wishes." 

"But  for  mercy's  sake,  colonel  —  " 


112  THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"No,  there  are  no  buts,"  sternly  interrupted  the  colonel. 
"I  have  made  up  my  mind.  You  may  go  in  and  say  good- 
by  to  Kitty,  because  I  have  confidence  enough  in  you  not  to 
fear  that  you  will  attempt  to  persuade  her  to  do  anything 
underhanded,  and  then  I  must  ask  you,  unpleasant  as  it  is, 
not  to  come  here  any  more." 

" Colonel  Withers,"  said  Jonas,  "I  —  " 
*  There,  my  boy,"  interrupted  the  colonel,  "don't  let  us 
quarrel  now.  I've  always  liked  you,  but  all  you  can  say 
will  not  change  my  intentions,  which  have  been  fixed  for 
years.  I  should  not  like  to  part  with  you  as  an  enemy,  and 
therefore  you  had  better  refrain  from  making  the  remark 
you  was  about  to  indulge  in.  I  confess  that  you  have  not 
attempted  personally  to  deceive  me,  but  you  should  have 
been  more  frank ;  it  would  have  saved  us  both  pain.  And 
now,  if  you  will  say  good-by  to  Kitty,  —  for  I'd  much  rather 
leave  the  explanation  to  you,  —  I'll  be  obliged  to  you." 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

NOT   A   COLONEL. 

JONAS  left  the  room  slowly,  and  with  an  expression  of 
sorrow  on  his  face  that  might  have  moved  the  colonel,  if  he 
had  not  been  made  of  the  very  sternest  material.  He 
walked  to  the  parlor,  opened  the  door,  and  entered. 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  113 

Meanwhile  Kitty  had  been  sitting  where  Jonas  had  left 
her,  wondering  what  this  strange  interview  could  mean.  It 
must  be  remembered  that  she  had  not  been  present  at  the 
table  when  the  explosion  occurred,  so  that  she  had  no  means 
of  even  guessing  what  her  father's  strange  request  for  an 
interview  could  mean.  When  Jonas  entered  the  room, 
slowly,  despairingly,  she  sprang  up,  threw  her  arms  around 
his  neck,  and  exclaimed,  "Jonas,  what  is  it?  And  papa! 
where  is  he  ?  What  does  all  this  mean  ?  " 

"I  am  not  a  colonel,"  said  Jonas,  dejectedly. 

"Not  a  colonel,"  said  she,  as  if  somewhat  bewildered  by 
an  explanation,  which  was  no  explanation  to  her. 

"Yes ;  I  am  not  a  colonel,"  replied  Jonas. 

"But,  Jonas,"  said  she,  "I  don't  care  whether  you  are  or 
are  not  a  colonel." 

His  arm  unconsciously  stole  around  her  waist  as  he 
answered :  — 

"Unfortunately  your  father  does.  Oh,  that  wretched 
nickname !  " 

"Then  your  title  is  only  a  nickname?"  asked  she. 

Jonas  nodded  his  head  in  reply. 

"  Well,  what  of  that?  "  said  she. 

"  Would  that  I  had  never  borne  it ! "  exclaimed  he.  "  Then 
I  might  have  met  you  and  won  you  on  my  own  merits." 

"  Ah,  but,  Jonas,"  said  she,  K  don't  you  know  that,  without 
that  title,  I  never  could  have  met  you,  never  could  have 
loved  you?" 

"And  now  I  have  lost  you  forever." 


114  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"Lost!"  exclaimed  she.  "Lost,  Jonas!  What  do  you 
mean  ? " 

"Did  I  not  tell  you?  "  inquired  he. 

"  No,  what  is  there  to  tell  ?  " 

"  Your  father  has  just  informed  me  that  he  has  determined 
that  our  engagement  shall  be  ended  at  once." 

"  Because  you  are  not  a  colonel  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  If  that  is  all,  don't  be  frightened  about  it,  Jonas.  I  didn't 
love  you  because  you  was  a  colonel.  I'll  never  marry  any 
one  but  you ;  and,  though  I'll  never  marry  without  papa's 
consent,  I  don't  believe  he  will  allow  me  to  become  that 
greatest  of  abominations  to  him,  an  old  maid,  simply  because 
you  are  not  a  colonel," 

"  And  you  will  really  continue  to  love  me  ?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"  Till  I  die,"  replied  Kitty. 

He  took  her  in  his  arms,  and  almost  smothered  her  with 
kisses. 

"And  now,"  said  Kitty,  "tell  me  all  about  it.  I  don't 
understand  what  it  all  means,  I'm  sure." 

Thereupon  Jonas  gave  her  a  detailed  history  of  his  unfor- 
tunate title,  told  her  how  it  had  become  attached  to  his 
name  ;  how  he  had  grown  so  accustomed  to  it  that  it  really 
seemed  to  belong  to  him ;  how,  for  a  "lark,"  he  had  allowed 
the  mistake  of  the  clerk  of  the  hotel  at  Boston  to  impose  on 
Colonel  Withers ;  how  he  had  allowed  the  deception  to  go 
<ou  from  a  desire  of  forming  her  acquaintance ;  how  the 
explosion  had  happened  at  the  dinner-table,  through  the 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  115 

inquisitivenefes  of  Major  Mackenzie,  and  how  Colonel  With- 
ers had  laid  down  the  law  to  him  in  the  sitting-room. 

w  I  dislike  that  nephew  of  Major  Mackenzie's,"  was  Kitty's 
first  remark. 

Now  isn't  that  enough  to  make  a  man  wonder  whether 
women  are  human  beings?  What  earthly  relation  Major 
Mackenzie's  nephew  had  to  the  present  trouble  it  would 
have  puzzled  a  Philadelphia  lawyer  to  discover ;  but  Miss 
Kitty  had  probably  connected  the  nephew  with  the  uncle, 
and  had  recalled  remarks  made  by  the  major,  mere  hints, 
before  he  retired  that  evening,  and  also  the  fact  that  the 
major  and  the  colonel  had  retired  together  immediately 
after  dinner.  Anyhow  the  major  had  injured  the  creature 
she  loved,  and  the  blow,  which  she  thus  struck  back,  seemed 
satisfactory  to  her.  To  Jonas,  however,  it  was  all  Greek. 

"What,"  inquired  he,  "has  that  to  do  with  it?  " 

"No  matter,"  answered  she.  "Then  you  are  not  to  be 
allowed  to  come  here  any  more  ?  " 

"  So  your  father  has  stated,"  replied  Jonas ;  "  but  you  will 
write  to  me,  won't  you?" 

"No,  I  cannot,"  replied  Kitty;  "I  will  not  deceive  papa. 
We  must  have  patience,  and  wait  until  papa  reconsiders  his 
resolution." 

"  And  you?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"  Oh,  I  will  do  my  best  to  aid  the  reconsideration,  and  I 
will  love  you  forever." 

She  threw  her  arm  around  his  neck,  and  pressed  her 
cheek  against  his.  Just  then  Colonel  Withers  entered,  but 
Kitty  did  not  move ;  she  was  not  in  the  least  ashamed  of 


116  THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL. 

her  love  ;  why  should  she  be  ?  She  had  loved  Jonas  with  her 
father's  consent,  and  was  she  in  a  moment  to  forget  what 
had  been  growing  in  her  heart  for  months?  There  was 
none  of  that  (so  called)  young-ladylike  instinct  in  Kitty, 
which  would  make  her  ashamed  of  the  expression  of  her 
affections. 

"Papa,"  said  she,  " have  you  really  determined  that  Jonas 
shall  not  marry  me  ?  " 

"  I  hoped  Mr.  Smith  had  explained  that,"  said  the  colonel. 

"  And  you  mean  to  break  off  our  engagement  ?  " 

"  I  consider  that  it  is  broken  off  now.  I  sent  Mr.  Smith 
here  to  say  good-by,  and  I  supposed  that  he  had  done  that 
before  now,"  replied  the  colonel,  sternly. 

Jonas  immediately  rose,  while  a  bright  flush  passed  over 
his  face. 

w  Wait  a  moment,  Jonas,"  said  Kitty,  rising  and  placing 
her  hand  on  his  arm,  "  don't  say  anything  to  papa,  and  don't 
go  yet." 

Jonas  stood  still,  wondering  what  she  was  about  to  say. 

"  Listen,  papa,"  continued  she ;  "  until  I  met  Jonas  I 
never  saw  any  man  I  cared  to  love.  When  I  saw  him  I 
loved  him  instinctively ;  I  have  loved  him  ever  since.  I  shall 
obey  you,  papa,  if  you  order  me  not  to  see  him  or  write  to 
him,  but  I  shall  love  him  all  my  life.  Now,  Jonas,  kiss  me 
good-by,  and  then  leave  me." 

Jonas  took  her  in  his  arms,  and  kissed  her  passionately 
three  or  four  times.  Then  he  bowed  to  the  colonel  as  he 
passed  him,  went  out  into  the  hall,  and  out  of  the  house. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  117 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

DESPAIR. 

JONAS  drove  home,  that  is  to  say,  his  horse  took  him 
home  ;  and  fortunate  it  was  for  him  that  the  horse  had  trav- 
elled over  that  road  so  often,  for  Jonas  was  quite  incapable 
of  driving  the  beast.  The  Bloomingdale  road  was  not,  at 
that  time,  the  easiest  path  in  the  world  for  a  horse  to  take 
care  of  himself  on,  for  it  was  full  of  turns  and  inequalities 
of  grade ;  but  the  horse,  that  had  Jonas  in  charge  on  that 
eventful  night,  managed  to  convey  Jonas  safely  to  the  stable 
where  the  horse  belonged. 

From  the  stable  it  was  only  two  blocks  to  Jonas'  home,  but 
he  wandered  around  the  streets  in  a  daze ;  he  hardly  knew 
what  he  was  doing,  or  where  he  wras  going.  A  friendly 
policeman,  who  had  been  watching  him  for  some  time, 
finally  came  to  the  conclusion  that  Jonas  was  slightly  obfus- 
cated with  wine,  and  so  he  approached  our  hero. 

"  Looking  for  your  house  ?  "  asked  the  policeman. 

"Yes,"  replied  Jonas,  in  the  absent  way  in  which  a  person 
will  answer  when  aroused  from  a  day-dream. 

"Number  32,  isn't  it?"  asked  the  policeman. 

"Yes,"  replied  Jonas. 


118  THE    MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL. 

"Here  we  are,"  said  the  policeman.     " Good-night." 

"  Good-night,"  said  Jonas,  as  he  entered  the  house. 

Jonas  entered  his  home,  went  to  his  room,  and  fell  into  a 
chair.  Poor  fellow !  his  home  was  a  boarding-house.  Ho 
had  no  mother  to  console  him,  no  sisters  to  condole  with 
him,  no  brothers  to  give  him  their  rough,  manly  sympathy. 
He  was  alone  in  his  misery,  and  alone  he  must  bear  it.  For 
hours  he  sat  there,  just  as  he  had  flung  himself  into  the  chair 
when  he  entered  the  room. 

Finally,  just  as  the  gray  light  of  morning  was  creeping 
through  the  shutters,  his  brain  became  clearer,  and  he  could 
think  once  more.  He  rose  from  his  chair,  threw  off  his  hat 
and  overcoat,  and  paced  the  floor  for  more  than  an  hour. 
Then  he  threw  himself  on  his  bed,  dressed  as  he  was,  and 
slept  heavily  till  the  breakfast-bell  rang. 

A  few  hours'  rest  had  done  him  much  good.  On  the 
night  before,  the  suddenness  of  the  blow  had  stunned  him ; 
but  when  he  awoke,  hope,  that  ever  remains  uppermost  in 
the  human  breast,  again  came  into  the  foreground. 

"What  ridiculous  nonsense,"  he  thought,  "that  notion 
the  colonel  has  got  into  his  head  is !  —  His  daughter  must 
marry  a  military  man.  Well,  I'll  marry  her,  despite  his 
notions." 

He  half  regretted  that  he  had  not  insisted  on  the  previous 
evening  that  he  was  a  colonel,  and  named  a  regiment  at  a 
venture.  He  felt  very  bitter  towards  the  colonel,  and 
thought  that  that  gentleman's  acts  had  been  very  arbitrary. 
Mind  you,  he  never  blamed  himself.  Oh,  dear,  no,  we  never 
do  that.  And  yet  his  troubles  had  all  been  brought  on 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  119 

himself  by  himself.  If  he  had  not  allowed  the  colonel  to 
imagine  that  he  was  a  military  man,  none  of  his  woes  would 
have  happened.  To  be  sure,  then  he  would  not  have  been 
engaged  to  Miss  Kitty ;  but,  certainly,  he  had  no  right  to 
blame  the  colonel  for  falling  into  the  trap  which  he,  Jonas 
Smith,  had  laid  for  the  old  gentleman.  And  who  ought, 
under  the  circumstances,  to  bear  the  punishment,  — the  man 
who  had  inveigled  another  into  an  act,  or  the  man  who  had 
been  inveigled  ?  Ah,  I  fear  that,  so  far  as  right  and  wrong 
are  concerned,  humanity  is  still  very  obtuse. 

Jonas'  bold  mood  continued  for  a  very  short  time.  He 
went  to  his  office,  and  tried  to  attend  to  business ;  but  how 
can  a  man  draw  papers  or  read  cases,  when  there  is  ever 
floating  before  his  eyes  a  lovely  face  for  which  he  longs,  or 
a  stern,  forbidding  face,  which  he  feels  bitterly  against? 
Besides,  the  jokes  of  the  judge  and  the  questions  of  his 
fellow-lawyers  grated  upon  his  feelings.  He  wanted  to  be 
away  from  everybody.  Life  had  become  distasteful,  sick- 
ening to  him ;  the  world  was  merely  a  blank.  He  left  his 
office,  and  wandered  on  and  on  through  the  streets. 

"Kitty  has  promised  to  remain  true  to  me,"  muttered 
he.  Then  the  thought  would  dart  through  his  mind  that 
perhaps  her  father  would  force  her  to  marry  some  one 
against  her  will ;  and  then  he  would  clinch  his  hands  in  a 
manner  that,  if  we  did  not  live  in  the  nineteenth  century, 
would  have  boded  ill  for  any  one  who  should  be  rash  enough 
to  marry  Kitty.  Insane  notions  of  every  kind  darted 
through  his  mind.  At  first,  he  thought  that  he  would  per- 
suade Kitty  to  leave  her  father ;  but  he  soon  dismissed  that 


120  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

notion,  for  he  felt  that  he  could  not  succeed  in  doing  that. 
He  even  went  so  far  as  to  think  seriously  of  going  to  Egypt, 
enlisting  in  the  service  of  the  Khedive,  and  remaining  there 
until  he  became  a  colonel;  fortunately,  he  gave  that  up. 
Finally,  thoroughly  exhausted,  he  went  home  and  to  bed. 

So  the  days  went  on ;  he  was  not  fit  for  work,  he  was 
hardly  fit  to  live.  He  dragged  through  the  weary  hours  of 
the  day  and  the  wearier  hours  of  the  night,  hoping  all  the 
time  that  Colonel  Withers  would  relent,  and  that  either  the 
colonel  or  Kitty  would  send  him  some  message.  Why  he 
hoped  or  expected  that  he  could  not  tell,  but  that  expecta- 
tion kept  him  alive.  At  length,  goaded  on  by  his  misery,  he 
poured  out  his  whole  heart  on  paper,  and  sent  the  letter  to 
Kitty.  The  next  day  the  letter  was  returned  to  him 
unopened,  and  enclosed  in  the  following  epistle  :  — 

"  SIR,  —  I  enclose  unopened  the  letter  which  you  sent  to  my  daughter.  It 
hardly  seems  necessary  for  me  to  again  inform  you  that  the  relations,  which 
once  existed  between  you  and  my  daughter,  can  never  be  re-established.  My 
resolution,  of  which  I  informed  you,  that  no  one  but  a  military  gentleman 
shall  marry  my  daughter,  is  unchangeable.  Under  the  circumstances  can 
you  not  see  that  any  correspondence  between  you  and  her  is  useless,  and  will 
you  not  be  good  enough  to  overcome  your  desire  to  write  to  her,  and  thus 
refrain  from  causing  us  all  pain? 

"  Yours  respectfully, 

"A.   B.   WITHERS." 

Then  Jonas  was  really  in  despair.  He  threw  himself  into 
a  chair,  covered  his  face  with  his  hands  and  groaned  aloud. 
Suddenly  he  sprang  up,  walked  the  floor  excitedly,  and 
exclaimed  vehemently,  "This  will  never  do.  I  must  do 
something.  I'll  not  give  her  up  so." 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  121 

That  was  easy  enough  to  say,  but  what  could  he  do  ?  He 
thought,  and  thought,  but  nothing  feasible  presented  itself  to 
his  mind.  He  went  to  the  window  and  looked  out.  The  night 
was  a  brilliant  one,  the  moon  and  stars  were  shining  brightly, 
and,  just  as  he  reached  the  window,  the  clock  in  a  neigh- 
boring church  tower  struck  midnight. 

"  I  have  it,"  cried  Jonas.     "I'll  go  and  see  Charley." 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

THE   DOCTOR   IS    CAJLLED   IN. 

MEANWHILE  how  fared  it  with  Kitty  ?  Not  much  better  it 
is  to  be  feared  than  it  did  with  her  lover.  She  had  felt  quite 
strong  on  that  eventful  evening,  when  she  bade  Jonas  good- 
by,  for  she  hoped  and  expected  that,  in  a  few  days,  her 
father  would  give  up  his  notions,  and  would  invite  Jonas  to 
return.  She  knew  that  her  father  was  very  determined, 
when  he  had  made  up  his  mind ;  but  she  also  knew  that  her 
father  loved  her  dearly.  As,  however,  day  after  day  went  by 
and  Jonas  failed  to  appear,  she  lost  her  spirits.  Her  maid 
told  her  of  the  letter  which  had  come,  and  of  her  father's 
action  in  regard  to  it ;  and  Kitty  began  to  fear  that  her 
father's  determination  would  last.  She  no  longer  laughed  or 
sang  around  the  house,  much  to  the  old  man's  dismay;  but 


122  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

he  consoled  himself  with  the  reflection  that  she  would  soon 
outgrow  her  love-sickness. 

To  distract  her  mind  he  resolved  to  invite  Major  Mackenzie 
to  call,  with  his  nephew.  Accordingly,  a  polite  invitation  was 
sent  to  the  major  by  the  colonel ;  and  the  major  and  his 
nephew  complied  with  the  colonel's  request.  Unfortunately, 
however,  for  the  colonel's  little  plan,  Kitty  declined  to  see 
the  major  and  his  nephew. 

"But  why?"  asked  the  colonel. 

"  I  do  not  like  the  major,"  answered  Kitty. 

"That's  sudden,"  replied  the  colonel.  "Since  when  have 
you  commenced  to  dislike  him  ?  " 

"  Since  you  —  that  is,  since  your  last  dinner.  I  will  see 
him,  papa,  if  you  insist  on  it,  but  I  do  not  wish  to  see 
him ;  I  don't  feel  well." 

When  the  major  was  informed  of  Miss  Kitty's  resolution, 
he  was  somewhat  astonished,  but  finally  remarked  :  — 

"Pooh!  my  dear  colonel,  she'll  get  over  it.  Let  Nature 
take  her  in  charge.  Nature  will  do.  And  when  she's  re- 
covered, why,  we'll  just  take  her  in  hand  and  marry  her  to  a 
Mackenzie.  That'll  console  her." 

The  old  colonel  had  considerable  confidence  in  the  major, 
but,  as  he  watched  his  daughter,  he  began  to  get  frightened. 
She  no  longer  had  any  desire  to  go  anywhere  ;  she  spent  most 
of  her  time  sitting  listlessly  in  her  great  easy-chair,  gazing 
mournfully  at  the  river.  .The  old  colonel  finally  became  so 
frightened  that  he  resolved  to  consult  a  doctor. 

Doctor  Brown,  the  colonel's  family  physician,  was  a  queer 
compound.  He  was  a  little,  round  na,an,  with  a  bald  head,  a 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  123 

pug  nose,  a  vast  mouth,  and  bright  little  gray  eyes,  that 
twinkled  behind  his  spectacles.  He  had  none  of  the  physi- 
cian's humbug  about  him.  No  fine  ladies  could  persuade 
him  to  attend  upon  them  in  their  humbug  sicknesses.  His 
business,  as  he  said,  was  to  cure  sick  people, — not  to  make 
well  people  believe  that  they  were  sick.  He  had  brought 
Kitty  through  a  severe  attack  of  fever,  just  after  she  arrived 
in  New  York,  and  the  doctor  and  Kitty  were  great  friends. 

"Kitty,"  said  the  colonel,  as  he  entered  the  room  one 
evening,  "Doctor  Brown  has  dropped  around  with  me. 
Will  you  see  him?" 

"But  I  am  not  sick,  papa." 

"No ;  but  then  you  will  see  the  doctor  to  oblige  me,  won't 
you?" 

"Why,  of  course,  papa,  if  you  wish  it,"  replied  she,  lan- 
guidly, "though  I  assure  you  I  am  quite  well." 

The  doctor  came  in. 

"Ah,  Miss  Kitty,  we  are  not  ill,  are  we  ?  "  asked  he. 

"Oh  dear,  no,; "  replied  she,  "but  papa  thinks  I  am." 

"Well,"  said  the  doctor,  "let  me  feel  your  pulse  —  and 
see  your  tongue  —  and  now,  wait  a  moment  while  I  listen  at 
your  back.  .,  Draw  a  long  breath,  Miss  Kitty." 

The  doctor  looked  quite  grave,  after  he  had  gone  through 
those  Usual  professional  performances.  He  endeavored  to 
find  some  bodily  ailment,  which  would  account  for  her  lan- 
guor and  depression.  Fortunately  this  doctor  was  a  man 
of  common  sense,  and,  when  he  failed  to  find  anything 
wrong  about  the  body,  began  to  suspect  that  there  was 
something  out  of  the  way  either  in  the  mind  or  the  affec- 


124  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

tions.  He  watched  her  carefully  for  a  few  moments,  while 
he  pretended  to  be  deeply  engaged  in  chatting  with  her 
father. 

"Miss  Kitty,"  said  he,  finally,  "won't  you  let  me  banish 
you  for  a  few  moments  ?  " 

"  Of  course,  doctor,  I'll  run  away  at  once." 

"Well,  doctor?"  inquired  the  colonel,  as  soon  as  she  had 
left  the  room. 

"Yes,"  said  the  doctor,  reflectively,  as  if  he  had  hit  upon 
the  solution  of  some  problem  upon  which  he  had  been 
cogitating. 

"What  is  the  matter  with  her,  doctor?"  inquired  the 
colonel,  quite  eagerly. 

"  Physically  nothing,"  replied  the  doctor ;  "  she's  as  sound 
as  a  dollar,  now" 

"What  do  you  mean  by  now?"  inquired  the  colonel. 

"  I  mean  that  she  is  suffering  from  some  mental  affliction, 
which  will  not  leave  her  sound  long." 

"  You  don't  tell  me  so,  doctor?"  said  the  colonel,  eagerly. 

"Yes,  I  do,"  promptly  responded  the  doctor.  "Now 
what  is  it?" 

"How  should  I  know?  "  asked  the  colonel,  in  a  surly  tone. 

"Ah,  I  see,"  said  the  doctor,  in  a  tone  of  great  confidence. 
"She's  in  love." 

"Well,  what  then?"  asked  the  colonel,  brusquely. 

"  Doesn't  the  young  gentleman  love  her  ?  " 

"I  suppose  so.     He  says  he  does." 

"Ah,  I  see,  you  oppose  him." 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  125 

"Well,  why  the  devil  isn't  he  a  military  man,  then?" 
ejaculated  the  colonel. 

"  Ah,"  said  the  doctor,  "  that's  where  the  shoe  pinches  ?  " 

"Yes,"  said  the  colonel,  "I  want  my  daughter  to  marry 
a  military  man,  if  she  marries  any  one." 

"I  didn't  think  you  was  so  foolish,"  said  the  doctor. 
"  And  so  the  young  man  isn't  an  officer  ?  " 

"Not  even  a  private,"  ejaculated  the  colonel. 

"  My  dear  colonel,"  said  Doctor  Brown,  "  whether  he  be  a 
military  man  or  not,  if  you  want  to  save  your  daughter, 
you'd  better  let  him  marry  her.  The  affections  are  her 
strong  point." 

"  I  know  that,"  said  the  colonel,  mournfully. 

"  I  thought  it  was  odd,  if  you  had  lived  with  her  all  these 
years  and  not  discovered  that,"  suggested  the  doctor.  "  She 
is  peculiarly  sensitive,  and  yet  she  is  peculiarly  self-reliant. 
She  will  die  without  making  any  complaint." 

"  Great  heavens,  doctor ! "  cried  the  colonel,  "  do  you 
mean  to  say  that  there  is  any  chance  of  Kitty's  dying?  " 

"  That  is  precisely  what  I  do  mean  to  say,"  replied  the 
doctor,  solemnly. 

"Die  !  Kitty  die  !  "  cried  the  old  colonel.  "  But  it  is  not 
yet  too  late,  is  it,  doctor?" 

"  Oh,  by  no  means.  She  is  still  curable,  but  you  are  the 
only  man  who  can  cure  her." 

Thereupon  the  doctor  took  his  hat  and  gloves,  and 
departed.  Probably  he  had  drawn  a  rather  long  bow ;  but 
then  he  had  not  the  slightest  respect  for  the  old  colonel's 
predilections  in  favor  of  military  men,  and  he  had  a  strong 


126  THE    MAX    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

fondness  for  Miss  Kitty,  and  heartily  disliked  to  see  her 
sacrificed  to  her  father's  foolish  notions.  After  the  depart- 
ure of  the  doctor,  the  old  colonel  stood  still  for  a  few 
moments.  His  face  was  quite  drawn,  and  there  were  tears 
in  his  eyes.  Probably  visions  of  Kitty  in  her  babyhood, 
her  childhood,  her  girlhood,  and  her  maidenhood,  flitted 
before  his  eyes.  Thoughts  of  what  a  kind  and  loving 
daughter  she  had  been  went  through  his  mind,  and  dimmed 
his  eyes.  He  looked  at  his  watch,  rushed  into  the  hall,  put 
on  his  overcoat,  had  his  horse  harnessed,  jumped  into  the 
wagon,  and  drove  down  the  road  as  if  life  depended  on  his 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

A  RENT   IN    THE    CLOUD. 

PERHAPS  it  would  be  proper  to  follow  Jonas  on  the  little 
journey  on  which  he  started  as  the  clock  was  striking  mid- 
night. It  was  at  least  half-past  that  witching  hour  when  he 
rang  the  bell  affixed  to  Charley  Hastrom's  front  door.  Of 
course  everybody  was  in  bed  and  fast  asleep,  and  so  Jonas 
was  compelled  to  ring  the  bell  a  second  time.  Then 
Charley  stuck  his  head  out  of  a  window  in  the  second  story, 
and,  in  deep,  sepulchral  tones,  designed  to  frighten  the 
intruder  if  he  should  happen  to  be  a  burglar,  exclaimed  :  — 

"Who's  there?" 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  127 

"I,"  replied  Jonas. 

"That's  refreshing,  Becky,  isn't  it?"  said  Charley  to 
his  wife,  who  was  standing  behind  him.  Then  he  again 
addressed  the  intruder. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "  if  it  isn't  impertinent,  who  the  mischief 
is  I?" 

"Jonas  Smith,"  replied  the  visitor. 

"But,  Jonas,  my  dear  fellow,  don't  you  see  that  it's 
after  midnight  ?  " 

"No  matter,  I  must  see  you,  Charley." 

*  Next  week  won't  do,  then?  "  urged  Charley. 

"  No  ;  I  must  see  you  to-night." 

"Then  I'll  come  down." 

Presently  Charley  appeared  at  the  front  door,  admitted 
Jonas,  and  led  him  into  the  parlor.  Then  he  lit  the  gas, 
and,  for  the  first  time,  noticed  Jonas'  worn  and  wretched 
appearance. 

"For  mercy's  sake,"  cried  Charley,  now  thoroughly  inter- 
ested, "what  ails  you,  Jonas?  You  haven't  been  on  a 
'tear?  have  you?" 

"No,"  replied  Jonas. 

"What  is  it,  then?"  asked  Charley. 

"Where's  your  wife?  "  inquired  Jonas,  abruptly. 

"Come,  my  dear  fellow,"  said  Charley,  "that's  too  much. 
It's  bad  enough  for  you  to  rouse  me  out  of  bed  at  this  hour 
of  the  night ;  but  to  ask  my  wife  to  get  up  ajso  is  carrying 
the  thing  rather  too  far." 

"Please  ask  her  to  come  down,  Charley,"  said  Jonas,  as 
he  dropped  into  a  chair. 


128  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"  Oh,  if  you  put  it  in  that  way,"  said  Charley,  "  of  course 
I  must  obey." 

So  he  went  to  the  foot  of  the  stairs  and  called  Becky. 

Fortunately  Mrs.  Becky  had  suspected  that  she  would  be 
needed,  and  had  been  industriously  dressing  herself,  so  that, 
when  she  was  called,  she  was  ready  to  descend.  When 
they  had  all  assembled,  Charley  spoke  :  — 

"Now,  then,  Jonas,  I  hope  what  you  are  going  to  tell  us 
is  important.  Out  with  it." 

"I  am  not  a  colonel,"  said  Jonas,  dolefully. 

"Well,  if  I  hadn't  known  that  for  years,"  said  Charley, 
"perhaps  I  might  have  been  obliged  to  you  for  waking  me 
up  at  midnight  to  inform  me  of  it,  but  as  it  is  —  " 

"Not  a  colonel !  "  ejaculated  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Not  a  colonel,"  echoed  Jonas. 

"  But  surely  —  Charley,  didn't  you  tell  us  about  a  desper- 
ate charge,  etc.  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Ahem ! "  said  Charley,  "  I'll  explain  that  hereafter,  my 
dear.  That  was  merely  a  page  of  history  which  hasn't  got 
into  the  books  yet.  And  now,  Jonas,  go  on,  for  I  suppose 
there's  more  of  the  story." 

So  Jonas  told  his  story  as  briefly  as  he  could,  and  then 
narrated  how  he  had  striven  to  find  some  way  out  of  his 
difficulties ;  and  finally  how,  in  his  despair,  he  had  thought 
of  them,  and  had  come  around  at  once  to  see  if  they  could 
help  him. 

"And  you  did  just  right,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  promptly. 
"  Of  course  we  can  help  you.  What  is  the  use  of  friends  if 
they  don't  help  one  another  ?  " 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL.         129 

"Well,  I  confess,"  said  Charley,  slowly,  "she  is  Colonel 
Withers'  daughter,  and,  if  Colonel  Withers  has  put  his  foot 
down,  I  don't  exactly  see  —  " 

"  Pooh,  bother  !  "  interrupted  Mrs.  Becky.  "  Of  course 
you  don't  see ;  men  never  do.  I  see,  however,  and  that  is 
quite  sufficient." 

"Well,  my  dear,"  said  Charley,  "suppose  you  tell  a 
couple  of  purblind  individuals  exactly  what  you  do  see." 

"The  first  thing  to  be  done,"  replied  she,  quickly,  "is  to 
furnish  temporary  relief." 

"  That's  not  to  be  gainsaid,"  responded  Charley. 

"I  take  that  upon  myself,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"Thanks,  Mrs.  Hastrom,"  said  Jonas. 

"  But  how,  my  dear  ?  "  asked  Charley. 

"Now,  then,"  said  Mrs.  Becky  to  Jonas,  "you  want  her 
to  know  that  you  are  still  true  to  her,  and  that  you  always 
will  be  ;  and  also  want  to  find  out  how  she  feels,  and  looks, 
and  acts,  don't  you?" 

"I  knew  you  would  help  me,"  said  Jonas,  brightening 
up. 

"Of  course,"  replied  Mrs.  Becky.  "Well,  to-morrow, 
I'll  go  up  to  Colonel  Withers'  and  spy  out  the  land.  Do 
you  come  here  to  dinner,  to-morrow,  and  I'll  make  my 
report.  In  the  mean  time  Charley  and  I  will  try  to  think 
out  some  means  of  permanent  relief." 

Jonas  thanked  her  heartily  for  her  kindness,  and  prom- 
ised to  call  again  on  the  following  evening.  Charley  offered 
him  a  bed  in  his  house ;  but  Jonas  insisted  upon  going  to 
his  own  home. 


130  TIIE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"My  dear  Becky,"  said  Charley,  when  he  had  returned 
from  the  front  door,  "  what  a  woman  you  are  !  " 

"  Pooh ! "  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "  we  are  all  alike  when  our 
friends  are  in  sorrow." 

"But,  my  dear,"  said  Charley,  "do  you  suppose  it's  the 
correct  thing  for  us  to  interfere  with  Colonel  Withers' 
family  arrangements  ?  " 

"Correct!"  exclaimed  she.  "That's  always  the  way 
with  men.  What  do  we  care  whether  it  is  correct  or  not  ? 
Are  we  to  stand  by  and  see  Jonas  and  Kitty  made  miser- 
able, merely  because  an  old  gentleman  happens  to  have 
foolish  notions  ?  " 

"That's  just  what  I'm  not  sure  about,"  replied  Charley. 

"Of  course  we  are  not,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "and  now  let's 
go  to  bed." 

On  the  morrow,  according  to  her  promise,  Mrs.  Becky 
called  upon  Kitty.  Fortunately  the  colonel  was  not  at 
home,  and  so  Mrs.  Becky  had  a  clear  field. 

"I'm  so  glad  to  see  you,"  exclaimed  Kitty  as  Mrs.  Becky 
entered  the  room. 

"I  expected  you  would  be,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "and  now 
ask  the  questions  you  are  dying  to  ask." 

"  Then  you  have  seen  Jonas  ?  "  asked  Kitty. 

"  Certainly." 

"When?" 

"Last  night." 

"And  he  is — ?" 

"Horribly  miserable." 

"  Ah !  "  sighed  Kitty.     «  Poor  Jonas  ! " 


THE    MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL.  131 

"But  you,  yourself,  Kitty,"  urged  Mrs.  Becky,  "look 
badly." 

"  I  am  not  very  well,"  replied  Kitty. 

"  Now,  Kitty,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "  when  men  are  miser- 
able they  are  horribly  miserable  ;  but  a  girl  ought  to  bear 
suffering  better.  Besides,  what  have  you  to  be  wretched 
about?  Jonas  loves  you,  and  will  always  love  you." 

"  Do  you  really  think  so  ?  "  asked  Kitty,  eagerly. 

"My  dear  Kitty,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "you  ought  to  have 
more  pride.  A  girl  like  you  can't  be  forgotten  by  a  man." 

"But  I  am  away  from  him." 

"Don't  let  that  trouble  you.  I'll  venture  to  say  that 
there's  a  very  good  photograph  of  you  on  his  heart.  Of 
course  we'll  find  some  way  out  of  this  trouble." 

"Will  you?"  cried  Kitty.     "Are  you  sure,  quite  sure?" 

"  Never  was  surer  of  anything  in  my  life.  In  the  mean 
while  I'll  let  Jonas  know  how  you  feel,  and  now  let  me  see 
you  brighten  up  a  little." 

Kitty  did  brighten  up  under  the  influence  of  Mrs.  Has- 
trom's  cheering  promises ;  so  that,  when  that  lady  was  ready 
to  depart,  Kitty  looked  quite  like  her  old  self. 

"Now,  Kitty,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  as  she  was  leaving,  "be 
as  cheerful  as  you  can  in  reality,  but  don't  show  any  of  it 
before  your  father." 

"Why  not?"  asked  Kitty. 

"  Because  the  fact  that  you  are  miserable  is  infinitely  more 
likely  to  make  your  father  restore  Jonas  to  you  than  any- 
thing I  or  anybody  else  can  do." 

"  Shall  I  deceive  papa  ?  " 


132  THE   MAN   WHO    WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL. 

"Pooh  !  "  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "your  father  will  tell  you  that 
all  things  are  fair  in  war,  and  I  tell  you  that  all  things  are 
fair  in  love." 

However,  Kitty  was  not  compelled  to  deceive  her  father ; 
for,  after  Mrs.  Becky  had  gone,  the  reaction  set  in,  and 
Kitty  was  quite  as  miserable  as  she  had  been  before. 


CHAPTER  XXVHI. 

CHARLEY   TO   THE   RESCUE. 

ON  the  following  day  Jonas  called  at  the  house  of  the 
Hastroms  at  a  much  more  reasonable  hour  than  the  one  he 
had  selected  for  his  last  visit ;  in  fact,  he  reached  the  house 
just  as  Charley  and  Mrs.  Becky  were  sitting  down  to 
dinner.  Jonas  took  his  place  at  the  table,  but  he  was  so 
impatient  for  information  that  he  could  not  even  await  the 
departure  of  the  servant. 

"Did  you  see  her?"  asked  he  eagerly  of  Mrs.  Hastrom. 

"Yes,"  replied  that  little  woman.  "I  went  there  this 
morning,  and  stayed  a  couple  of  hours  with  her." 

"And  how  does  she  look?"  asked  Jonas. 

"Not  very  well,"  replied  Mrs.  Becky. 

" Sick?"  asked  Jonas,  eagerly. 

"No,"  replied  Mrs.  Becky,  "only  love-sick." 

Then  Mrs.  Becky  told  him  all  that  she  could  remember 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  133 

of  her  visit,  told  him  how  eagerly  Kitty  had  listened  to  the 
promises  he  had  sent,  and  how  she  had  requested  Mrs. 
Becky  to  inform  Jonas  that  she  would  never,  never  marry 
any  one  else. 

For  a  time  Jonas  brightened  up,  but  listening  to  Mrs. 
Becky  was  not  barkening  to  Kitty's  voice,  and,  when  Mrs. 
Becky  had  emptied  her  budget  and  had  devoted  herself 
to  her  dinner,  his  face  darkened  again,  and  he  became 
wretched  once  more.  Now  nothing  can  be  more  doleful 
than  a  man  given  over  to  despair.  Probably  that  is  so 
because  such  conduct  is  contrary  to  all  our  notions  of  what 
a  man  should  be  and  do.  It  must  be  remembered,  however, 
that  men  are  differently  constituted.  Some  look  upon  a 
heart  wound  as  a  mere  bagatelle,  while  others  suffer  from 
such  an  affliction  during  their  whole  lives.  Many  men  are 
quite  as  sensitive  as  women,  and,  though  they  may  not  show 
their  misery  to  mankind,  do  still  unbosom  themselves  to 
their  intimate  friends. 

Jonas  was  of  a  peculiarly  romantic  disposition,  and  the 
unique  manner  in  which  he  had  formed  Kitty  Withers' 
acquaintance,  and  the  rare  beauty  and  faultless  temper  of 
the  girl  had  made  him  very  shortly  her  devoted  slave. 
Remember,  too,  the  cup  was  dashed  from  his  very  lips ;  he 
was  engaged  to  her  with  her  father's  consent,  and  looked 
forward  to  marriage  with  her  as  a  certainty.  Man  is  a  very 
peculiar  creature.  If  death  had  stepped  in  and  removed 
Kitty,  probably  Jonas  would  have  mourned  her  deeply,  and 
in  time  remembered  her  as  a  beautiful  dream  ;  but,  while  she 


134  THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

was  living  and  apparently  within  his  reach,  he  desired  to 
call  her  his  own,  with  a  desire  too  strong  to  be  described. 

"Jonas,"  said  Charley,  "  be  a  man." 

"  That's  what  I  am,"  said  Jonas  ;  "not  a  stone." 

"Yes;  but,  my  dear  fellow,"  said  Charley,  "I  never  saw 
you  give  way  so  before." 

"Because  I  never  had  occasion,"  replied  Jonas,  bitterly. 
"  My  life's  to  be  wrecked,  and  the  girl  I  love  is  to  be  given 
to  another  perhaps,  because  an  old  man  has  silly  notions." 

"Now  look  here,  Jonas,"  said  Charley,  "she's  his 
daughter,  and  he  has  a  right  to  say  something  about  her 
marriage.  Besides,  you  are  somewrhat  to  blame  for  not 
being  more  frank  with  him ;  you  knew  his  notions  and  yet 
you  allowed  him  to  think  that  you  was  a  colonel." 

"Hang  that  name  !  "  exclaimed  Jonas. 

"Well,  I've  no  objection  to  that,"  responded  Charley. 
"However,  as  I  am  somewhat  to  blame  in  this  matter  —  " 

"You  ! "  interrupted  Jonas. 

"Yes,"  replied  Charley;  "when  we  were  at  the  moun- 
tains, I  told  Colonel  Withers  a  cock-and-bull  story  about  an 
heroic  act  you  did  during  the  war." 

"You  told  him  that?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"Yes,"  replied  Charley.  "I  made  you  a  double  distilled, 
first-class  hero." 

"No  wonder  he  despised  me  then,"  said  Jonas,  absently. 

"  Not  a  bit  of  wonder  about  it,"  said  Charley,  "  for  when  I 
do  draw  the  bow,  I  draw  it  strong ;  don't  I,  Becky?" 

"  That  you  do,"  promptly  replied  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  And,    therefore,"   continued   Charley,    "  I   feel    bound, 


TUB    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  135 

under  the  circumstances,  to  give  you  the  very  best  advice  I 
can  offer.  Now  listen  intently.  There  are  three  ways  out 
of  this  hobble." 

"  What  are  they  ?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"  First,"  said  Charley,  "  you  can  cut  the  whole  thing,  — 
wash  your  hands  of  it." 

Jonas  shook  his  head. 

"Don't  talk  like  a  simpleton,  Charley,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Second,"  said  Charley,  as  if  he  had  not  heard  his  wife's 
interruption,  "you  can  take  the  girl  and  run  away  with  her, 
—  elope,  they  call  it  in  the  books." 

"She'd  never  do  that,"  said  Jonas,  dejectedly. 

"  I  don't  believe  she  would,"  said  Charley ;  "  and,  there- 
fore, I  don't  consider  that  plan  a  very  brilliant  one." 

"I  hope  the  third  is  an  improvement  on  it,"  observed 
Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Third,"  continued  Charley,  winking  solemnly  at  his  wife, 
"I'd  advise  you  to  keep  up  your  courage,  and  wait  patiently 
for  future  events,  which  I  feel  sure  will  be  favorable  to  you." 

"That's  sensible,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  " for  I  really  believe 
that  the  colonel  will  come  around  finally." 

"No,"  said  Jonas,  shaking  his  head,  "you  don't  know 
him.  If  I  were  only  really  a  colonel !  " 

"  By  Jove  ! "  cried  Charley,  springing  up  and  upsetting 
his  plate,  "  I  have  it !  " 

"  What?  "  cried  Mrs.  Becky. 

Jonas  looked  up. 

"  Ahem !  "  said  Charley ;  "  I  was  thinking  of  something 
else." 


136  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

Jonas  buried  himself  in  his  thoughts  again,  and  then 
Charley  whispered  to  his  wife. 

"  The  permanent  relief,"  were  the  words  which  he  dropped 
slowly  in  her  ear. 

"Well,  my  dear,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "if  you  couldn't 
obtain  that  without  upsetting  your  plate,  I'll  forgive  you ; 
but  if  you  could  — " 

"But  I  couldn't, ' Becky,  I  really  couldn't,"  interrupted 
Charley. 

"Very  well,  then,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  *  what  is  your  per- 
manent relief  ?  " 

"  It's  an  idea,"  replied  Charley. 

"  Remarkable ! "  said  Mrs.  Becky.  "  I  suppose  we  are 
not  capable  of  comprehending  it." 

"  Oh,   yes,"  replied  Charley,  "  but  it  requires  secrecy." 

"Well,  am  I  not  as  secret  as  the  grave?  "  inquired  Mrs. 
Becky. 

"You  are  wonderful  for  a  woman,  my  dear,"  responded 
Charley ;  "  but  you  are  a  woman." 

"  Can't  you  give  us  at  least  a  hint?  "  asked  she. 

Charley  looked  at  Jonas,  and,  finding  that  that  gentleman 
was  day-dreaming,  placed  his  finger  on  the  side  of  his  nose, 
winked  his  eye,  and  whispered  :  — 

"The  Nine  Hundred  and  First." 

"The  Nine  Hundred  and  First?"  echoed  Mrs.  Becky, 
with  a  puzzled  expression. 

"  Read  that,"  said  Charley,  handing  her  a  letter  which  he 
took  from  his  pocket. 

She  read  it,  and  then  exclaimed  eagerly  :  — 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL.  137 

"  And  you  mean  —  " 

"Precisely,"  interrupted  Charley.     "The  Nine  Hundred 
and  First ! " 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

THE    GALLANT   NINE    HUNDRED    AND  FIRST. 

"  THE  Nino  Hundred  and  First,"  was  what  Charley  had 
said  when  called  upon  by  his  wife  to  explain  his  idea  of  the 
permanent  relief  needed  by  Jonas. 

Mrs.  Becky  had  caught  the  idea  which  was  floating  in  the 
mind  of  her  husbanfl,  and,  like  a  good  and  dutiful  wife 
(Heaven  send  more  of  them  !),  had  approved  her  husband's 
plan,  and  she,  too,  had  muttered :  — 

«  The  Nine  Hundred  and  First  I " 

Now  everybody  must  admit  that  if  the  Nine  Hundred  and 
First  is  to  be  the  deus  ex  machina  of  this  story,  that  regi- 
ment should  be  properly  introduced  to  the  reader.  Oh,  I 
know  that  it  is  a  terrible  thing  to  bring  into  this  story,  at  its 
present  stage,  so  vast  a  body  of  men,  especially  when  there 
are  so  few  ladies  on  hand.  I  am  well  aware  that,  in  every 
properly  constructed  chronicle  of  real  life  there  should  be 
at  least  one  lady  for  every  gentleman,  that  every  Jack 
should  have  a  Jill,  and  I  am  the  last  person  in  the  world  to 
kick  against  any  well-established  rule  of  society ;  but  what 


138  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

can  a  veracious  story-teller,  like  your  humble  servant,  do? 
The  regiment  is  part  of  the  story,  and  must  be  introduced, 
—  that  is  beyond  all  question.  I  am  perfectly  willing  to  be 
good-natured  about  the  matter,  but  the  Nine  Hundred  and 
First  is  in  the  story,  and  duty  compels  me  to  present  it  to 
you.  I  am  willing  to  compromise  the  matter,  however,  and 
I'll  introduce  the  regiment  as  a  regiment,  and  thus  avoid  the 
threatened  plethora  of  masculines. 

The  gallant  Nine  Hundred  and  First  was  one  of  New  York 
city's  militia  regiments.  Many  a  time  had  it  bravely  marched 
down  Broadway ;  thousands  of  times,  in  its  armory,  when 
drilling,  had  it  'boldly  advanced  at  double-quick  right  up  to 
the  wall  of  the  armory  building  without  flinching,  and  dozens 
of  times  had  it  endured  the  privations  of  the  tented  field  at 
Newport,  or  Saratoga,  or  Long  Branch.  It  .was  composed  of 
the  hardy  sons  of  luxury,  and,  out  of  its  armory,  its  members 
were  the  gilded  youth  of  this  metropolis  of  the  western 
continent. 

It  was  grand  in  its  campaigns,  and  its  parades,  and  its 
drillings,  but  it  was  superlative  in  its  balls  and  receptions. 
How  its  members  could  glide  through  the  "  mazes  of  the 
giddy,"  and  how  the  fair  damsels  of  Gotham  did  love  to 
have  the  arms  of  members  of  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First  steal 
round  their  waist,  and  whirl  them  in  the  dreamy  waltz  !  Ah, 
I  can  assure  you  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First  was  not  to  be 
sneezed  at.  If  you  think  I  am  mistaken,  ask  some  fair 
maiden,  who  has  worried  herself  almost  into  a  fever  in  her 
efforts  to  obtain  tickets  for  the  regiment's  annual  ball,  about 
it,  and  find  out  what  she  thinks  of  the  regiment. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  139 

There  are  regiments  and  regiments.  Some  are  controlled 
by  one-man  power,  some  are  ruled  by  cliques  or  juntas,  while 
others  are  as  democratic  as  you  could  wish,  and  have  meet- 
ings which  are  as  lively  as  a  town  gathering  in  some  rustic 
village.  The  Nine  Hundred  and  First  was  one  of  the  latter 
kind.  You  see  there  was  a  perfect  social  equality  among 
the  members.  Many  of  the  privates  occupied  positions  in 
private  life  quite  as  elevated  as  those  occupied  by  their 
commanders.  The  officers  and  men  were  on  the  best  of 
terms,  and  got  along  together  admirably;  but,  when  any 
important  question  came  up  they  all  had  opinions,  and  desired 
to  express  them. 

Charley  Hastrom  had  long  been  a  member  of  the  Nino 
Hundred  and  First ;  at  the  time  of  which  we  are  writing  he 
was  captain  of  one  of  the  companies.  He  had  been  a  member 
before  his  marriage,  and  still  remained  one.  Mrs.  Becky 
had  proved  herself  a  very  sensible  little  woman,  for  one 
of  their  first  conversations  after  their  marriage  was  as 
follows :  — 

"  Becky,"  said  Charley,  "  I  suppose  you  will  want  me  to 
resign  from  the  regiment." 

"Have  I  said  so,  Charley?"  asked  she. 

"No,"  replied  he  ;  "but  then  I  am  ready  to  resign,  if  you 
really  wish  it." 

"Wait  till  I  ask  it,  Charley,"  added  she. 

"  Thanks,  Becky,"  said  Charley,  joyfully.  w  I  am  fond  of 
the  old  regiment,  and  should  dislike  ever  so  much  to  leave  it." 

"You  don't  really  think,  Charley,"  said  she,  "that  I  wish 
to  deprive  you  of  any  of  your  pleasures,  do  you?" 


140  THE    MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

"I  don't  know,"  responded  he. 

"Pshaw!"  said  she,  "that  isn't  what  marriage  means  to 
me.  I'm  not  a  bit  afraid  of  your  regiment  making  you 
forget  me." 

"Nor  need  you  be,"  responded  Charley,  as  he  kissed  her. 

Remember  that  performance  occurred  during  the  honey- 
moon ! 

It's  a  pity,  however,  that  all  wives  cannot  remember  that 
a  man  is  not  able  to  throw  aside  all  his  former  ties,  without  a 
great  exertion,  and  cannot  be  willing  to  allow  husbands  to  en- 
joy those  pleasures  which  in  no  wise  interfere  with  domestic 
happiness.  Unfortunately,  however,  women  are  human; 
and,  therefore,  can  hardly  have  such  an  abiding  faith  in  man- 
kind as  will  control  their  minds,  when  —  the  millennium 
comes. 

The  letter,  which,  aa  we  have  heretofore  detailed,  Charley 
had  shown  to  his  wife,  was  simply  a  notification  that,  at  a 
meeting  to  be  held  at  the  armory  on  the  following  Thursday 
evening,  the  regiment  would  proceed  to  elect  a  colonel. 
That  letter  had  put  into  Charley's  head  a  brilliant  idea,  of 
which  Mrs.  Becky  had  expressed  her  approval,  and  which 
bade  fair,  if  it  succeeded,  to  cut  the  tangled  web  of  circum- 
stances which  had  gathered  around  Jonas  and  Kitty.  To 
be  sure,  the  success  of  the  affair  looked  rather  dubious,  but 
that  did  not  deter  Charley,  and,  though  perhaps  there  are 
other  characters  in  our  story  to  whom  some  attention  should 
be  paid  at  this  moment,  the  reader  must  pardon  us  if  we 
cannot  refrain  from  following  out  Charley's  plans. 


THE^MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL.  141 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

PEEPAKATIONS   FOE   THE   ELECTION. 

AT  the  period  of  which  we  are  writing,  the  Nine  Hun- 
dred and  First  was  in  a  state  of  effervescence.  A  short  time 
before,  their  colonel  had  died,  and  the  day  on  which  the 
election  of  his  successor  was  to  take  place  was  rapily 
approaching.  Unfortunately  there  was  a  terrible  division 
in  the  opinions  of  the  members  as  to  who  that  successor 
should  be.  One  party  had  been  in  favor  of  electing  the 
lieutenant-colonel  to  the  vacant  position,  while  another  party 
believed  that,  by  choosing  some  prominent  outside  man,  they 
would  add  eclat  to  the  regiment.  The  lieutenant-colonel, 
however,  promptly  refused  to  run ;  he  was  unwilling,  and, 
as  he  said,  unable  to  bear  the  expense  which  the  posi- 
tion of  colonel  generally  threw  upon  the  incumbent.  Then 
the  insiders,  as  they  called  themselves,  at  once  split  up  into 
factions.  Some  favored  the  major,  while  others  desired  to 
vote  for  the  captains  of  their  respective  companies. 

Of  course  the  discord  which  existed  among  the  insiders 
would  have  given  the  outsiders  a  clear  field,  if  it  had  not 
been  for  the  fact  that  the  several  cliques,  who  believed  in 
electing  one  of  their  own  members,  had  resolved,  that 
rather  than  see  an  outsider  elected  they  would  all  unite 


142  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLOXEL. 

upon  one  of  their  candidates,  and  for  the  further  fact  that 
as  much  unanimity,  as  was  possible,  did  not  exist  among 
the  outsiders. 

Take  it  all  in  all  it  was  a  very  pretty  mess.  Private 
Jones  explained  it  to  Private  Brown  very  thoroughly. 

"You  see,  Brown,"  said  Jones,  "none  of  those  fellows 
know  exactly  what  they  want." 

"That's  so,"  admitted  Brown. 

"The  truth  is,"  continued  Jones,  "it  don't  make  any  dif- 
ference who  the  colonel  is.  The  real  question  is,  who  are 
the  men?" 

"I  believe  you,"  interrupted  Brown. 

''As  far  as  I  can  see."  continued  Jones,  "they  might  as 
well  elect  me  as  anybody  else." 

w  Yes,  or  me,"  suggested  Brown. 

"Well,  that  isn't  so  clear,"  continued  Jones  ;  "but  anyhow 
there'll  be  a  precious  row  at  this  election,  and  I'm  bound  to 
be  on  hand  to  see  the  sport." 

The  officers,  however,  did  not  agree  entirely  with  Private 
Jones,  and  the  electioneering  was  something  liuge.  Johnny 
Grimshaw,  who  had  never  been  known  before  to  waste  a 
penny  on  anybody  but  his  precious  self,  opened  bottles  of 
-wine  enough  to  have  stocked  a  small  cellar.  He  was  an 
outsider,  and  was  in  favor  of  electing  a  prominent  politi- 
cian, who  was  willing  to  use  his  position  for  the  advantage 
of  the  regiment.  Charley  Hastrom  labored  assiduously,  as 
was  his  wont  when  he  took  anything  in  hand.  He  was  an 
insider,  and,  though  he  was  named  as  a  candidate  by  his 
friends,  he  disclaimed  all  desire  for  the  position,  and 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  143 

labored  for  the  election  of  the  major,  who,  he  thought, 
under  the  circumstances,  was  really  entitled  to  the  place. 
However,  Charley  did  not  at  all  look  upon  the  battle  as  a 
certain  victory  for  his  side. 

Suddenly,  and  this  happened  immediately  after  the  idea 
heretofore  referred  to  struck  him,  Charley  ceased  to  work 
for  the  major. 

"Charley,"  said  Johnny  Grimshaw,  "have  you  given  up 
the  job?" 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  Charley. 

"Oh,  I  thought  you  had,  as  I  hadn't  heard  of  your  doing 
any  work  for  a  day  or  so." 

"Pooh  !  "  said  Charley,  "what's  the  use  of  working,  when 
you've  got  a  sure  thing  ?  " 

"  Sure  thing !  "  cried  Grimshaw.  w  Don't  you  believe  it. 
Look  here,  Charley,  our  man  has  promised  four  positions 
under  the  city  government,  if  we  win,  and  you  bet  they'll 
carry  the  day." 

"All  right,"  responded  Charley ;  "  but  I  don't  believe  it." 

Although  Charley  had  ceased  to  work  for  the  major,  he 
was  not  idle.  His  chief  business  however,  seemed  to  be 
to  introduce  Jonas  to  those  of  the  officers  with  whom  that 
gentleman  was  not  acquainted.  Fortunately,  Jonas  did 
know  most  of  the  officers  of  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First, 
and  was  on  very  good  terms  with  them.  However,  Charley 
thought  there  was  no  harm  in  making  Jonas  still  more 
intimate  with  them,  especially  as  he  now  desired  to  carry 
out  his  idea. 

"Jonas,"  Charley  had  said,  in  developing  his  plan  to  that 


144  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

gentleman,  "the  gods  help  those  who  help  themselves. 
You've  been  playing  milksop  long  enough,  and  now  I  want 
you  to  be  something  like  your  own  self." 

"  I'll  try,"  Jonas  had  replied ;  "  what  do  you  want  me  to 
do?" 

"  I  want  you  to  be  hale-fellow-well-met  with  everybody  in 
the  regiment." 

"  Very  well,"  said  Jonas. 

"  You  can  do  your  sighing  and  moaning  at  night,  when 
nobody  can  see  you ;  but  that  kind  of  business  don't  suit  our 
bold  soldier  boys." 

So  Charley  went  on  introducing  Jonas,  and  Jonas  man- 
fully endeavored  to  perform  his  part  of  the  bargain,  and 
succeeded  admirably,  when  the  circumstances  were  con- 
sidered. He  quite  kept  up  his  spirits  when  he  was  with  the 
officers  of  the  regiment.  To  be  sure,  it  was  rather  hard  on 
Charley  and  Mrs.  Becky,  for  he  gave  them  the  benefit  of 
most  of  his  low  spirits ;  but,  as  they  were  real  friends,  they 
endured  that,  hoping  that  he  and  they  would  soon  be  re- 
lieved. 

Still  the  campaign  within  the  regiment  went  on,  and  so 
vigorously  was  it  conducted  that,  if  it  had  lasted  much 
longer  than  it  did,  the  probabilities  are  that  the  regiment 
would  have  broken  into  pieces,  and,  as  there  is  no  provision 
in  the  militia  system  of  this  State  for  asteroids,  the  regiment 
would  have  been  disbanded. 

As  the  day  of  the  election  approached  the  excitement  in- 
creased. Each  member  fought,  talked,  drank,  and  shouted 
valiantly  for  his  candidate.  Every  officer  was  pledged  for 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  145 

some  one,  and  the  appearances  of  things  indicated  a  long 
fight.  The  general  opinion  was  that  the  forces  were  nearly 
evenly  divided  between  the  outsiders  and  insiders ;  neither 
party  being  solid  for  any  one  man. 


CHAPTER   XXXI. 

THE    ELECTION. 

AT  length  the  important  day,  the  day  of  the  election,  was 
at  hand.  The  officers  all  assembled  in  solemn  conclave  at 
the  armory.  Solemn,  I  said,  and  that  word  exactly  charac- 
terized their  appearances.  Jokes  were  at  a  discount,  story- 
tellers could  not  find  listeners,  and  a  laugh  was  frightened 
at  its  own  echo.  It  is  curious,  but  true,  that,  if  your  friend 
adopts  an  opinion  different  from  yours,  especially  in  a  social 
assembly,  he  cannot  separate  himself  from  his  opinion 
sufficiently  to  meet  you  on  the  old  friendly  footing,  until, 
what  we  in  this  country  have  learned  to  look  upon  as  the 
final  arbiter  between  opinions,  the  ballot-box  has  settled  the 
question ;  then  your  friend  forgets  all  your  differences,  and 
you  and  he  are  one  again.  So  it  was  on  this  occasion ; 
everybody  was  as  dignified  and  solemn  as  if  he  were  pre- 
paring himself  for  the  position  of  chief  mourner  at  same 
first  -class  funeral. 

As  soon  as  the  appointed  hour  had  arrived,  the  meeting 


146  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

was  called  to  order.  Everybody  glanced  around  the  room, 
hoping  that  he  would  find  that  some  of  the  opposite  side  had 
been  kept  away  ;  but  everybody  was  disappointed,  for  all  the 
officers  were  there. 

After  the  preliminaries  had  been  arranged,  they  com- 
menced balloting.  The  first  ballot  was  taken  amid  the  most 
intense  excitement ;  then  the  ballots  were  slowly  and  care- 
fully counted,  and  the  presiding  officer  gravely  announced 
that  there  was  no  election.  That  announcement  was  re- 
ceived with  one  universal  sigh  of  relief;  it  was  evident  that 
everybody  had  remained  true  to  his  pledge.  A  second 
ballot  was  taken ;  but,  by  this  time,  the  intense  excitement 
had  somewhat  subsided.  Again  came  the  announcement 
that  there  was  no  election ;  and  again  there  was  a  sigh  of 
relief.  A  third,  a  fourth,  and  a  fifth  vote  brought  precisely 
the  same  result ;  the  figures  for  each  candidate  remained 
invariably  the  same  ;  and  the  votes  were  so  thoroughly  dis- 
tributed, that  110  one  candidate  had  sufficient  to  entitle  him 
to  the  vacant  position.  The  electioneering  had  been  very 
thoroughly  and  skilfully  done,  and  there  was  unquestionably, 
for  this  evening  at  least,  a  dead-lock. 

When  the  result  of  the  fifth  vote  had  been  announced, 
there  was  a  short  halt,  a  sort  of  intermission,  in  the  pro- 
ceedings. Everybody  wanted  to  wonder  how  long  this 
thing  would  continue ;  and  such  an  immense  subject  of 
reflection  as  that  required  time  to  be  properly  thought  out. 
Suddenly  Charley  Hastrom  marched  from  his  seat  to  the 
front  of  the  room,  and  stood  facing  the  officers.  Everybody 
wondered  what  idea  had  struck  Charley,  and  expected  that 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  147 

he  would  suggest  something  which  would  arrange  this 
troublesome  affair. 

Silence  fell  on  the  room  at  that  moment.  Everybody  was 
attentive ;  and,  as  soon  as  the  eyes  of  all  present  had 
become  fixed  on  him,  Charley  spoke. 

"Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "it  is  quite  apparent  that  there  is 
a  dead-lock  here.  We  have  taken  five  ballots,  and  they 
have  all  resulted  exactly  alike ;  and  it  is  quite  evident  that 
if  we  should  take  ten  votes  or  an  hundred  votes  to-night 
the  result  would  be  invariably  the  same.  It  is  further  evi- 
dent that,  as  we  cannot  arrive  at  any  conclusion  during  the 
present  evening,  this  matter  must  be  adjourned  to  another 
meeting,  in  order  to  give  the  members  time  to  think  and 
talk  the  affair  over  among  themselves.  Now,  I've  been  \vith 
you  for  a  long  time,  and  I  believe  you  are  all  on  friendly 
terms  with  me  —  " 

"Three  cheers  for  Charley,"  cried  Lieutenant  Jackson. 

They  were  given  with  a  will ;  for  the  gentlemen  present 
had  been  quiet  so  long  that  they  were  ready  to  cheer  at  or 
for  anything  or  anybody. 

"Thanks,  gentlemen,"  said  Charley.  "And  now  I  want 
to  ask  a  particular  favor  of  you,  a  very  particular  favor.  I 
have  a  friend, — you  all  know  him,  —  Jonas  Smith.  Most 
of  you  know  that  he  has  for  a  long  time  been  nicknamed 
colonel.  I  propose  briefly  to  tell  you  his  story.  Under 
the  name  of  Colonel  Smith  he  was  introduced  to  an  English 
colonel,  who  has  a  charming  daughter,  —  I  vouch  for  the 
charming,  for  I  have  seen  her  myself.  Naturally  enough 
Jonas  fell  in  love  with  the  daughter,  and  the  old  gentleman. 


148  THE    MAX    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLOXEL. 

supposing  that  Jonas  was  an  ex-colonel,  consented  to  their 
engagement.  Unfortunately,  however,  the  old  gentleman 
found  out  that  Jonas  had  never  been  a  colonel,  and,  there- 
upon, immediately  invited  my  friend  to  occupy  the  outside 
of  the  house.  My  friend  is  in  despair,  for  the  old  colonel  is 
inflexible.  If  Jonas  were  entitled  to  wear  the  title  of 
colonel,  he  could  still  marry  his  charmer  and  be  happy. 
Now,  as  I  said  before,  there  can  be  no  election  to-night. 
Why  won't  you,  as  a  particular  favor  to  me,  and  as  a  means 
of  helping  a  poor  devil  out  of  a  tight  place,  elect  my  friend, 
Jonas  Smith,  as  colonel  of  the  regiment  to-night?  He'll 
make  one  pardde.,  and  resign  at  the  next  meeting.  Besides, 
it  will  be  a  victory  for  neither  side,  for  he  has  been  with  us 
so  much  that  he  is  almost  one  of  us,  and  yet  is  not  quite  a 
member.  1  wouldn't  ask  such  an  irregular  thing  under  any 
other  circumstances,  but  I  do  hope  that  you'll  do  me  this 
favor." 

"  By  Jove  !  "  said  Lieutenant  Jackson,  as  soon  as  Charley 
had  finished,-  "it  would  be  a  shame  to  spoil  such  a  love- 
match  as  that." 

"  Well,"  said  the  lieutenant-colonel,  quite  promptly,  "I, 
for  one,  am  in  favor  of  it." 

The  leader  of  the  outsiders  consulted  with  some  of  his 
most  important  assistants,  and  then,  turning  to  Charley, 
inquired :  — 

"  I  say,  Charley,  if  we  do  this  who'll  guarantee  the  resig- 
nation ?  " 

"  I  will,"  replied  Charley. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  149 

"And  I,  too,"  added  the  lieutenant-colonel,  who  happened 
to  be  a  particular  friend  of  Jonas. 

"  But,"  said  Charley,  "  there  is  no  necessity  of  any  guar- 
anty. Jonas  is  in  the  next  room,  and  he'll  sign  the  resig- 
nation at  once." 

"Bring  him  in,"  said  the  leader  of  the  outsiders. 

So  Jonas  was  brought  in  from  one  of  the  company  rooms, 
where  he  had  been  placed  by  Charley,  so  that  they  might  be 
prepared  for  every  emergency. 

"Gentlemen,"  said  Jonas,  "my  friend,  Charley  Hastrom, 
has  said  all  I  can  say  with  regard  to  my  desires  much  better 
than  I  could  have  said  it.  I  know  that  I,  a  stranger,  am 
asking  a  very  great  favor  from  you,  but,  believe  me,  I  shall 
remember  your  kindness  to  the  day  of  my  death." 

"All  right,  Jonas,"  said  the  leader  of  the  outsiders,  "we'll 
give  you  a  helping  hand." 

"  And  now,  gentlemen,  to  the  ballot,"  said  the  lieutenant- 
colonel,  who  was  one  of  the  leaders  of  the  insiders. 

Thereupon  they  proceeded  once  more  to  vote.  When  the 
ballots  had  been  counted,  it  was  found  that  Jonas  had  been 
elected  unanimously. 

"  Three  cheers  for  Colonel  Smith  !  "  cried  Charley. 

After  they  had  been  given  and  had  been  supplemented 
with  a  tiger,  Jonas  stepped  forward. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "you  have  done  me  a  favor,  which 
I  never  shall  forget.  I  thank  you  heartily  for  your  kind- 
ness. I  am  only  sorry  that  I  am  not  fit  to  be  your  colonel, 
in  earnest.  However,  you  have  given  me  the  title,  and  now, 


150  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

if  the  secretary  will  draw  up  a  resignation,  to  take  effect  at 
the  next  meeting,  I'll  sign  it  at  once." 

"  Bother  the  resignation  ! "  said  the  leader  of  the  outsiders. 
"We'll  take  your  word  that  you'll  hand  that  in  when  we 
want  it.  Meanwhile  you'll  be  our  colonel  until  we  succeed 
in  agreeing,  a  little  better  than  we  have  to-night,  on  the 
person  we  want  as  your  successor." 

"Be  careful,  Jonas,"  said  the  lieutenant-colonel,  "that  you 
don't  bring  down  ruin  on  the  regiment." 

"If  I  do,"  said  Jonas,  "  depose  me  at  once." 

"Well,  gentlemen,"  said  the  leader  of  the  outsiders,  "is 
that  arrangement  satisfactory  to  all  of  you  ?  " 

"Hurrah  for  Colonel  Smith  !  "  shouted  some  one. 

And  hurrah  for  Colonel  Smith  was  the  answer  to  the 
question. 

"I  guess  it's  satisfactory,"  said  the  lieutenant-colonel, 
laughing. 

"And  now,  gentlemen,"  said  the  new  colonel,  "if  you'll 
come  around  to  Delmonico's  with  me,  we'll  toast  the  Xirie 
Hundred  and  First." 

Delmonico's  had  seldom  seen  a  jollier  crowd  than  it  did 
that  night,  and  the  jolliest  of  the  party  was  the  late  despair- 
ing Jonas  Smith. 


TUB    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  151 


CHAPTEE  XXXII. 

COLONEL   WITHERS    ON   THE   WAR-PATH. 

SOME  chapters  back  we  left  Colonel  Withers  in  his  wagon, 
driving  down  the  road  as  if  life  depended  on  his  speed.  I 
admit  that  I  have  not  treated  that  veteran  warrior  with  the 
respect  due  to  his  years,  in  thus  leaving  him,  apparently  on 
an  endless  drive,  for  so  long  a  period  of  time ;  but  what  can 
an  author  do?  It  happens  in  books,  as  it  does  in  life,  that 
one  is  compelled  to  go  on  with  the  work  in  hand,  and  after- 
wards go  back  and  pick  up  the  loose  threads.  Besides,  you 
must  admit  that  introducing  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First  into 
this  little  work  was  quite  a  serious  undertaking,  and  it  be- 
hooved the  author,  after  he  had  once  taken  it  in  hand,  to 
finish  it  up  properly.  But  let  us  return  to  our  colonel  we 
have  neglected. 

When  Colonel  Withers  left  his  house,  as  we  have  de- 
scribed in  a  former  chapter,  he  urged  his  horse  along  at  a 
high  rate  of  speed  for  a  mile  or  two.  He  had  resolved  to  do 
something,  and,  like  all  ardent  natures,  he  was  anxious  to 
finish  it  as  speedily  as  possible.  The  doctor's  words  had 
frightened  him  terribly,  and  he  had  rushed  off  without  con- 
sidering thoroughly  the  work  he  had  in  hand.  After  he 


152  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

had  cooled  off  a  little,  however,  he  began  to  reflect  that  he 
was  about  to  make  himself  ridiculous. 

"What," he  thought,  "after  saying  again  and  again,  that, 
under  no  circumstances,  would  I  allow  my  daughter  to 
marry  a  civilian,  am  I  about  to  throw  her  at  one  ?  " 

The  horse  was  allowed  to  drop  to  a  much  more  moderate 
gait  than  the  one  at  which  he  had  been  started. 

"  Can  I,"  he  thought,  "an  old  soldier,  humiliate  myself 
to  this  young  man,  and  beg  him  on  my  knees  to  marry  my 
daughter  ?  " 

That  had  seemed  easy  enough  when  the  words  of  the  doc- 
tor were  ringing  in  his  ears,  but  now  it  appeared  terrible. 

The  horse  had  meanwhile  dropped  to  a  walk. 

The  more  he  thought  of  it  the  more  humiliating  it  seemed, 
and  the  more  impossible  for  him  to  perform  the  act. 

"  What  the  deuce  will  the  major  say  ?  "  ejaculated  the  poor 
colonel. 

That  was  the  straw  that  broke  the  camel's  back.  He 
drew  up  the  reins,  turned  the  horse's  head  around,  and 
started  for  his  home.  He  had  gone  but  a  short  distance, 
however,  when  the  doctor's  words  began  to  ring  in  his  ears 
once  more,  and  visions  of  his  daughter  in  her  misery  began 
to  float  before  his  eyes.  Those  were  too  much  for  him. 

"  Confound  the  major  !  "  muttered  he. 

Then  he  shut  his  teeth  tight  together,  turned  the  horse's 
head  once  more,  and  drove  without  a  stop  to  the  house 
where  Jonas  resided. 

NowT,  it  must  be  admitted,  that,  for  a  proud  man,  Colonel 
Withers  had  a  very  unpleasant  job  on  hand.  He  had  driven 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  153 

Jonas  from  his  house,  had  informed  that  young  gentleman 
that  under  no  circumstances  could  he  ever  marry  Kitty  ;  and 
now,  he  was  compelled  to  go  to  Jonas,  and  beg  him  to 
marry  Miss  Kitty.  Remember,  too,  that  he  did  not  know 
the  state  of  Jonas's  mind.  He,  of  course,  did  not  dream- 
that  Jonas  was  in  despair  at  the  loss  of  the  girl  he  loved. 
The  horrible  thought,  "Suppose  Jonas,  driven  from  my 
house,  has  met  with  some  other  young ^  damsel,  who  has 
taken  the  place  of  Kitty  in  his  affection,"  darted  through  his 
mind.  Then,  contrary  to  the  rules  of  the  Society  for  the 
Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals,  the  colonel  expressed  his 
fear  by  whipping  his  horse,  just  for  all  the  world  as  if  the 
few  minutes'  time  that  he  would  thus  make,  would  prevent 
Jonas  from  entangling  himself  with  some  young  woman 
other  than  Kitty. 

Finally,  quite  late  in  the  evening,  the  colonel  reached  the 
boarding-house  at  which  Jonas  resided.  He  strode  up  the 
steps,  and  pulled  the  bell  viciously.  Luckily,  the  landlady 
herself  had  not  yet  retired;  probably,  with  the  aid  of  the 
complete  cook-book,  she  was  compounding  some  of  those 
mysterious  dishes  which  so  astonish  the  casual  visitor  at  a 
boarding-house.  She  opened  the  door,  and  looked  at  the 
colonel  in  astonishment. 

"  Madame,"  shouted  he,  "  does  Mr.  Jonas  Smith  reside  in 
this  house  ?  " 

"Yes,"  blandly  replied  the  landlady. 

"Then  I  want  to  see  him  at  once." 

"  I'm  sorry  to  say  that  he  is  not  at  home." 


154  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"  Xot  at  home  ! "  echoed  the  colonel,  quite  taken  aback. 
That  possibility  had  not  entered  into  his  calculations. 

"Where  is  he,  then?"  cried  the  colonel,  when  he  had 
recovered  from  his  astonishment. 

"  I  don't  know,"  replied  the  landlady  ;  "  but  you  can  come 
in  and  wait  for  him." 

"  Wait !  "  shouted  the  colonel.  "  Do  I  look  as  if  I  could 
wait  for  him  or  anybody  ?  " 

"You  can  call  to-morrow,  if  you  prefer,"  responded  she. 

"  To-ruorrow  be  hanged  !  "  exclaimed  he.  "  Madame,  I'll 
come  in  and  wait." 

So  she  showed  him  into  the  parlor,  and  left  him  there  to 
await  Jonas'  return. 

Here  was  a  pretty  mess  for  the  colonel.  He  had  worked 
himself  up  to  the  point  where  he  was  walling  to  humiliate 
himself,  but  he  had  not  in  the  least  counted  upon  any  diffi- 
culty, such  as  not  being  able  to  find  Jonas  at  home.  Be- 
sides, his  resolution  was  waning ;  he  felt  that  if  he  did  not 
do  the  work  on  that  night,  and  before  the  heat  of  his  excite- 
ment had  passed  away,  he  would  never  do  it.  He  walked 
up  and  down  the  floor  unceasingly,  just  for  all  the  world  as 
if  chairs  had  never  been  invented.  Then  he  made  trips  to 
the  front  door,  in  order  to  see  whether,  by  peering  up  and 
down  the  street,  he  could  discern  Jonas  approaching. 
The  poor  landlady  was  too  frightened  to  go  to  bed ;  sho 
feared  that  she  had  admitted  a  madman,  and  only  tho 
recollection  that  she  had  three  male  boarders  in  the  house 
prevented  her  from  shouting  lustily  for  the  police.  At 
length  the  colonel  went  to  the  head  of  the  basement  stairs 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  155 

and  called  the  landlady ;  she  approached  him  with  fear  and 
trembling. 

"Madame,"  said  he,  "don't  you  know  when  Mr.  Smith 
will  return  ?  " 

"No,  sir,"  responded  she. 

"  Nor  where  he  has  gone  ?  " 

"No,  sir." 

"  Where  does  he  usually  go  ?  " 

"Perhaps  he's  at  Mr.  Hastrom's,"  suggested  she. 

"Where's  that?"  asked  the  colonel,  quickly. 

She  gave  him  the  address,  and  locked  the  door  after  him 
with  great  pleasure.  The  colonel  drove  rapidly  to  Charley 
Hastrom's  house. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

NEGOTIATIONS. 

THE  little  trip  of  Colonel  Withers  occurred  on  the  night 
of  the  election. 

When  the  party  at  Delmonico's  broke  up,  Jonas  was 
delightfully  full,  if  such  a  qualification  can  be  predicated  of 
such  a  condition  ;  so  Charley  took  his  new  colonel  in  charge, 
and  escorted  him  to  his,  Charley's  home.  Mrs.  Becky  was 
waiting  for  Charley,  and,  as  soon  as  he  saw  that  little  lady, 
Jonas  shouted :  — 


156  THE    MAN    WHO    AVAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"Hurrah  !  Why  don't  you  hurrah,  Mrs.  Hastrom?  Why 
don't  you  hurrah,  Charley?" 

"  Well,  hurrah  !"  said  Charley,  "and  now  let  me  take  you 
to  bed." 

So  Charley  saw  Jonas  safely  in  bed,  and  then  returned  to 
Mrs.  Becky. 

When  Charley  reached  his  room,  Mrs.  Becky  looked 
quite  mournful. 

"Oh,  don't  be  doleful,  my  dear,"  cried  Charley,  "it  really 
couldn't  have  been  helped." 

"  But  I'm  ashamed  of  you,  Charley,  for  allowing  Jonas  to 
get  in  that  condition." 

"  My  dear,"  responded  Charley,  "  all  the  saints,  this  side 
of  heaven,  couldn't  have  kept  him  straight  to-night,  and  I 
must  say  that  I  can't  blame  him  much,  for  we've  done  a  big 
thing  to-night." 

"  Then  you  succeeded  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Fully,"  said  Charley. 

"And  the  colonel,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "of  the  Nine 
Hundred  and  First  is  —  " 

"Upstairs,  in  bed,"  interrupted  Charley. 

"Tell  me  all  about  it,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

So  Charley  told  to  her  the  events  of  the  evening  in  as 
brief  a  manner  as  he  could. 

Hardly  had  he  finished  his  recital  when  the  door-bell 
rang.  Charley  hastened  to  the  door,  as  the  servants  had 
retired,  and  confronted  Colonel  Withers,  who  shouted, 
rather  than  asked  :  — 

"  Where's  Mr.  Hastrom  ?  " 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  157 

Charley  modestly  suggested  that  he  was  that  individual, 
and  then,  recognizing,  in  the  darkness,  Colonel  Withers,  he 
exclaimed :  — 

"  My  dear  colonel,  I'm  delighted  to  see  you.     Come  in." 

Then  he  led  him  into  the  sitting-room,  where  Mrs.  Becky 
at  once  chimed  in  :  — 

"Why,  colonel,  I'm  pleased  to  see  you  here;  you  have 
always  treated  us  as  strangers  before." 

The  colonel  simply  glared  at  them.  He  was  enraged, 
terribly  enraged.  He  had  been  prepared  to  humiliate 
himself,  but  he  had  not  been  prepared  to  find  so  many 
difficulties  thrown  in  the  way  of  his  unpleasant  task. 
Waiting  at  the  house  where  Jonas  boarded  had  not  im- 
proved his  temper,  and  on  the  way  to  Charley's  house  he 
had  almost  lashed  himself  into  fury.  He  did  not  notice  the 
salutations  of  Charley  and  Mrs.  Becky,  but  jerked  out :  — 

"Where's  Mr.  Smith?" 

Charley  winked  at  his  wife,  so  that  she  might  follow  his 
lead. 

"Ah,  poor  fellow,"  sighed  Charley ;  " he's  in  bed  !  " 

Mrs.  Becky  sighed  profoundly. 

"  Sick  ?  "  asked  the  colonel,  now  somewhat  frightened. 

"  Out  of  his  head,"  replied  Charley,  dolefully. 

"What  makes  you  think  so?"  inquired  the  colonel, 
eagerly. 

"His  talk." 

"Yes,"  added  Mrs.  Becky,  "his  queer  remarks." 

"  What  does  he  say  ?  "  asked  the  colonel,  in  surprise. 


158  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"  Says  he  will  never  marry  your  daughter,"  said  Mrs. 
Becky,  solemnly. 

"  The  deuce  he  won't !  "  interrupted  the  colonel. 

"Until  he's  a  colonel,  which  is  the  same  thing,  I  sup- 
pose," added  Charley. 

"  Until  he's  a  colonel ! "  ejaculated  Colonel  Withers. 
"  How  can  he  become  a  colonel  ?  " 

"He's  going  to  Egypt  to  serve  in  the  Khedive's  army," 
replied  Charley. 

"  But  I've  come  to  ask  him  to  marry  my  daughter  now," 
said  the  colonel. 

"Too  late,  my  dear  colonel,"  said  Charley,  winking  at  his 
wife.  "He's  very  obstinate,  and  he's  positively  made  up  his 
mind  that  he  will  not  marry  your  daughter  until  he  has 
become  a  colonel." 

"Unless  he  should  die  in  the  mean  time,"  added  Mrs. 
Becky,  sighing  heavily. 

"Can  I  see  him?"  asked  the  colonel. 

"  Oh,  dear  no,"  said  Mrs.  Becky.  "  The  doctor  would  not 
allow  that." 

"  But  he  won't  die  ?  "  urged  the  colonel. 

"He's  pretty  sure  to  die,"  responded  Charley,  adding,  for 
the  sake  of  his  conscience,  sotto  voce,  "when  his  time  comes." 

"  I'm  an  old  fool,"  said  the  colonel.  "  I'll  kill  my  daughter 
and  her  lover,'  too,  with  my  nonsense." 

"Ah!  "sighed  Mrs.  Becky. 

"We'll  tell  him  what  you  say,  in  his  first  lucid  interval," 
said  Charley,  in  a  solemn  tone.  "  Perhaps  that  will  be  the 
means  of  his  recovery." 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  159 

"And  what  shall  I  say  to  Kitty?"  asked  the  old  colonel, 
as  he  dropped  into  a  chair  and  buried  his  face  in  his  hands. 
"Poor  Kitty!"  exclaimed  he.  "How  she  will  hate  her 
father !  " 

Mrs.  Becky  started  forward,  as  if  about  to  tell  the  colonel 
all  about  their  plot.  The  sorrow  of  the  old  man  had  touched 
her  heart,  and  she  could  not  bear  to  see  him  go  away  so 
broken  down.  Charley,  however,  seized  her  wrist,  and, 
stepping  forward,  placed  his  hand  on  the  colonel's  shoulder, 
and  replied :  — 

"  Tell  her,  colonel,  what  you  have  done  to-night.  She 
will  love  you  then,  whatever  may  happen.  Tell  her,  alsoj 
that  I  have  not  the  least  doubt  that,  when  Jonas  is  informed 
that  he  can  marry  Kitty,  he  will  recover  rapidly." 

"But  have  you  no  doubt?"  asked  the  colonel,  eagerly. 

"Not  the  slightest." 

"  I'll  guarantee  it,  colonel,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  a  tear  shining 
in  her  eye. 

"Thank  you,  sir,"  said  the  colonel,  quite  gently,  as  he 
pressed  Charley's  hand;  "and  you,  too,  madame.  I'll  tell 
Kitty  what  you  say." 

"And  she'll  get  well  at  once,  you  can  rest  assured,"  said 
Charley. 

Then  the  colonel  left  them,  and  drove  to  his  home  at  a 
much  slower  rate  of  speed  than  that  which  he  had  adopted 
on  his  way  down,  much,  no  doubt,  to  the  delight  of  his 
horse. 

As  soon  as  he  had  left  the  house,  Mrs.  Becky  commenced 
to  reproach  Charley. 


160  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"Now,  Charley,"  urged  she,  "you  should  have  told  him. 
See  how  he  suffered." 

"  And  he  ought  to  suffer,"  responded  Charley.  "  He  made 
Jonas  and  his  daughter  miserable,  and  he  ought  to  pay  for 
that  amusement.  It's  well  enough  as  it  stands,  and  let's  to 
bed." 


CHAPTER   XXXIV. 
CHARLEY'S  PLOT. 

AT  the  breakfast-table,  on  the  following  morning,  Charley 
developed  his  plan  of  the  campaign. 

"Jonas,"  said  he,  "I  suppose  you  will  admit  that  you  owe 
something  to  me  for  the  success  of  our  little  game  last 
night." 

"I  owe  everything  to  you,  Charley,"  replied  Jonas. 

''Well,"  inquired  Charley,  "is  your  gratitude  extensive 
enough  to  enable  you  to  consent  to  keep  away  from  your 
charmer  for  three  days  ?  " 

"I  must  do  that,  in  any  event,  I  suppose,"  replied  Jonas. 

"  How  do  you  propose  to  manage  it  ?  "  asked  Charley. 

"Write  to  Colonel  Withers,  inform  him  that  I  am  a 
colonel,  and  request  him  to  allow  me  to  enjoy  once  more  the 
society  of  Kitty." 

"  Now,  if  I'll  agree  to  have  ,the  whole   thing  arranged 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLOXEL.  161 

within  five  days,  will  you  allow  me  to  manage  the  whole 
affair?" 

"I'll  be  eternally  obliged  to  you,"  replied  Jonas. 

"And  you'll  agree  not  to  see  Kitty  or  Colonel  Withers 
during  that  time,  and  not  to  inform  them  of  your  promo- 
tion ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  replied  Jonas. 

"  Remember,"  said  Charley,  "  I  have  your  promise,  and 
now  you  had  better  stop  at  your  tailor's,  and  order  your 
uniform  for  the  parade  on  Thursday.  You  must  cut  a  decent 
figure  there,  or  my  reputation  will  be  lost." 

After  Jonas  had  departed,  Charley  continued  to  develop 
his  plot. 

''Becky,"  said  he,  "  get  some  pens,  ink  and  paper." 

"Why,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  "there  they  are  in  the  writing- 
desk,  in  the  other  room." 

"Well,"  said  Charley,  "let's  go  in  there  then,  for  I  want 
you  to  write  a  letter." 

Mrs.  Becky  sat  down  at  the  desk,  and  prepared  herself  to 
write  at  Charley's  dictation. 

"  Are  you  ready  ?  "  asked  he. 

Mrs.  Becky  nodded  her  head,  and  Charley  began:  — 

"  My  dear  Kitty  —  " 

Mrs.  Becky  looked  up  in  astonishment. 

"Well,  but,  Becky,  you  are  writing  it,"  said  Charley. 

"  But  who  is  to  sign  it? "  asked  she. 

"Why,  you,  of  course.     You're  her  correspondent." 

"Oh,  very  well,"  said  Mrs.  Becky,  as  she  wrote,  "My 
dear  Kitty."  —  "I  would  visit  you  at  your  house,,"" continued 


162  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

he,  "instead  of  writing  to  you,  if  it  were  possible ;  but  the 
truth  is  that  I  must  get  my  new  bonnet  ready  for  Sunday  —  " 

"I  won't  write  that,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"Why  not?"  inquired  Charley. 

"  Because  you  know  perfectly  well  that  I  never  make  my 
own  hats." 

"  By  Jove  !  so  I  do,"  exclaimed  Charley. 

"And  do  you  suppose,"  continued  Mrs.  Becky,  "that  I 
am  going  to  say  to  another  woman  that  I  do  ?  " 

"Well,"  said  Charley,  "that's  a  refinement  of  female 
human  nature  that  I  had  not  yet  explored.  However,  there 
must  be  some  excuse." 

"Then  invent  a  decent  one,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"I  suppose,"  said  Charley,  "we  must  put  it  on  the  help,  as 
usual .  Write , f  but  the  truth  is ,  that  the  change  of  help  is  — ' " 

"  But  we  have  not  changed,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"How  the  mischief  is  she  to  know  that?"  explained 
Charley.  "  She  doesn't  know  anything  about  matrimonial 
affairs.  Why,  she  didn't  even  know  what  a  fellow  ought  to 
do  on  a  honeymoon  trip." 

"  Still  she  may  find  out,"  urged  Mrs.  Becky. 

"My  dear,"  said  Charley,  "you  seldom  go  amiss  when 
you  presume  on  the  ignorance  of  the  people  to  whom  you 
write.  It  is  a  lamentable  fact,  but  the  amount  of  ignorance 
which  exists  among  the  people  to  whom  we  send  our  letters 
is  heart-rending.  Now  go  on  and  add,  fl  cannot  leave 
the  house.  I  particularly  wish,  however,  that  you  would 
be  on  Union  Square,  in  front  of  Tiffany's,  on  Thursday,  at 
three  o'clock  — ' " 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL,  163 

"What  for?"  interrupted  Mrs.  Becky. 

"The  regiment  parades  there  then,"  replied  Charley, 
sententiously. 

t:  And  you  mean  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Exactly,"  replied  Charley. 

Mrs.  Becky  rubbed  her  hands  in  delight. 

"  You  think  it's  a  good  plan,  then  ?  "  asked  Charley. 

"It's  capital,"  replied  Mrs.  Becky. 

"Go  on,  then,"  said  Charley, — "'with  your  father. 
Wait  there  for  me  at  least  half  an  hour ;  and,  if  a  regiment 
should  pass,  notice  it  particularly,  for  I  want  you  to  tell  me 
how  you  like  Charley's  neAV  uniform.  Now,  don't  fail  to  be 
there,  with  your  father.'  You  can  emphasize  father,"  said 
Charley. 

"Eh?"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"Draw  a  line  under  it,"  said  Charley,  walking  up  to  Mrs. 
Becky,  and  looking  over  her  shoulder.  "  Why,  bless  me  ! " 
continued  he,  "you  have  drawn  a  line  under  every  word 
except  the  conjunctions." 

"That's  exactly  as  all  women  write,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"How  the  mischief  do  you  call  attention  to  anything 
important  then  ?  "  asked  Charley. 

"Put  it  in  a  postscript,"  said  Mrs.  Becky. 

"Well,"  said  Charley,  "add  '  J.  S.  particularly  wishes 
this.'" 

"Is  that  all?"  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  Of  course,"  replied  Charley.  "  That  last  sentence  will  do 
the  work.  You  can  rely  on  that." 


164  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

So  the  letter  was  signed  and  sealed,  and  Charley  took  it 
to  post.  •-  . 

Charley  chuckled  all  day  over  the  little  plot  which  he  had 
worked  out  in  his  head,  and  was  full  of  it  when  he  returned 
home  in  the  afternoon. 

"I  tell  you,  Becky,"  said  he,  at  dinner,  "we'll  get  lots  of 
fun  out  of  this  little  game.  How  the  colonel  will  open  his 
eyes  !  " 

"  But  what  am  I  to  do  ?  "  asked  Becky. 

"Well,  my  dear,"  responded  Charley,  "you  will  prepare 
a  particularly  good  dinner,  for  I  have  noticed  that  when 
lovers  come  out  of  the  despairing  mood  they  are  particularly 
hungry.  It  seems  as  if  they  were  endeavoring  to  make  up 
for  lost  time.  You  can  rely  upon  it  that  Miss  Kitty  and 
Jonas  will  make  your  larder  suffer  on  that  occasion." 

"  Is  that  all  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky  ;  "  because  I  have  a  vague 
idea  that  I  would  have  known  enough  to  have  done  that 
without  instructions  ?  " 

"  By  no  means,"  said  Charley.  "  You  must  then  go  up  to 
Union  Square,  take  the  colonel  and  his  daughter  prisoners, 
and  bring  them  here." 

"And  you?  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"  I'll  take  care  to  bring  in  a  prisoner  with  me ;  and  now 
the  plan  of  the  campaign  is  marked  out." 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL.         165 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

THE   BEGINNING   OF   THE   END. 

ON  the  morning  following  the  day  on  which  he  had  visited 
the  Hastroms,  the  colonel  was  in  a  much  more  cheerful 
frame  of  mind  than  he  had  been  for  some  days.  He  had 
performed  his  unpleasant  work,  and  yet  had  not  been  com- 
pelled to  meet  Colonel  Smith,  as  he  still  called  him  in  his 
mind.  He  had  told  the  Hastroms  of  the  change  in  his  in- 
tentions, and  they  would  tell  Jonas,  so  that,  when  he  met 
the  latter  gentleman,  the  edge  of  the  thing  would  have  been 
taken  off.  Naturally  then  he  felt  cheerful,  and,  when  Kitty 
entered  the  dining-room,  he  greeted  her  quite  gayly.  Kitty, 
however,  was  too  listless  to  feel  or  express  any  astonishment, 
and  so  she  sat  down  to  the  breakfast-table  after  merely  say- 
ing "  Good-morning." 

"  By  the  way,  Kitty,"  said  the  colonel,  "  I  called  on  one 
of  your  friends  yesterday." 

"Did you,  papa?"  asked  she,  languidly. 

"Oh,  well,"  said  he,  with  pretended  indifference,  "if  you 
don't  care  to  hear  about  my  call,  I  won't  worry  you  with  the 
details  of  it." 

"Go  on,  papa,  if  you  wish,"  said  she,  smiling. 


166  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"Oh,  there's  nothing  more  of  it,"  answered  he,  "except 
that  I  called  on  one  of  your  particular  friends." 

"Who  was  it,  papa?"  asked  she,  willing  to  humor  him. 

"Mr.  Jonas  Smith." 

"What,  papa  ?"  inquired  she,  quite  roused  from  her  list- 
lessness,  "  you  called  on  —  " 

"Mr.  Jonas  Smith,"  interrupted  he. 

"  But,  papa  !  " 

"Oh,  I  know,"  interrupted  the  colonel,  "that  I  gave  him 
some  particular  information,  not  long  ago  ;  but,  then,  you  see 
Kitty,  I've  changed  my  mind." 

"O  papa!"  cried  she,  springing  up  and  clasping  her 
arms  around  his  neck,  "and  now  —  " 

"And  now,"  added  the  colonel,  "he  can  marry  you  as 
soon  as  he  pleases,  that  is  to  say,  as  soon  as  he  can." 

"But  how  did  he  look,  and  what  did  he  say,  when  you 
told  him  ?  "  urged  Kitty. 

"Ah,  yes.  How  did  he  look?  By  the  way,  though, 
Kitty,  I  didn't  see  him,"  responded  the  colonel,  in  some  con- 
fusion. 

"  Didn't  see  him  ?  " 

"No." 

"But,  papa,  I  thought  you  told  him  that  —  " 

"  Oh,  I  told  the  Hastroms  to  tell  him.  The  truth  is,  he 
was  slightly  indisposed,  —  a  little  under  the  weather." 

"  Then  I  ought  to  go  to  him  at  once,"  said  Kitty. 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  colonel.  "There's  no  necessity  for 
that;  he'll  probably  be  up  here  to-morrow.  In  the  mean 
time,  I'll  drop  down  and  see  him." 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  167 

"  Now  you  are  iny  good  father  again,"  cried  Kitty,  as  she 
kissed  him  heartily. 

"Did  Kitty  suppose,  then,  that  I'd  refuse  her  anything, 
that  she  wanted  so  badly  ?  " 

"  It  looked  like  it,  papa." 

"  Ahern  !  Ah,  yes,  perhaps  it  did ;  but  then,  looks  are  very 
deceitful.  And  now  you'll  be  my  old  Kitty  once  more  ?  " 

"Oh,  won't  I,  papa?" 

About  noon,  at  the  urgent  solicitation  of  Kitty,  the  colonel 
went  down  town  and  called  on  Mrs.  Hastrom.  That  lady 
steered  very  near  the  edge  of  the  truth  in  order  to  save 
Charley's  plot.  However,  she  assured  the  colonel  that  Jonas 
was  very  much  improved,  infinitely  better  than  he  had  been 
on  the  previous  evening,  and  that  she  thought  that,  by 
Thursday  or  Friday,  he  would  be  able  to  go  out.  Of  course 
she  insisted  that  he  could  not  be  seen  just  then. 

It  was  fortunate  for  Charley's  plot  that  Colonel  Withers 
did  not  take  it  into  his  head  to  call  at  the  boarding-place  of 
Jonas ;  but,  as  the  colonel  had  found  Jonas  at  Charley's 
house  and  had  been  informed  that  he  was  confined  to  his  bed 
there,  he  supposed  of  course  that  Jonas  was  still  there. 

The  colonel  reported  the  good  news  at  home,  and  found 
Kitty  a  changed  girl.  She  went  about  the  house  singing 
once  more.  Looking  after  the  household  became  once  more 
a  pleasure,  instead  of  a  burden,  and  she  met  her  father  with 
the  old,  gay  light  in  her  eyes,  and  the  old,  bright  words  on 
her  lips. 

"Well,"  mused  the  colonel,  "who  would  have  thought  it? 
Why,  the  girl's  metamorphosed  !  She  must  be  terribly  fond 


168  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

of  Smith,  if  the  loss  of  him  can  work  such  a  change  in  her. 
I  wonder  if  I  was  in  that  sort  of  a  boat  when  I  was  young. 
I  suppose  I  must  have  been,  I  suppose  I  must  have  been." 

During  the  afternoon  Kitty  received  the  mysterious  letter 
which  had  been  concocted  at  the  Hastrom  mansion.  It  was 
certainly  incomprehensible  to  her,  but,  just  as  Charley  had 
said,  when  she  read  the  cabalistic  words,  "  J.  S.  wishes  it," 
she  resolved  to  carry  out  the  instructions  contained  in  the 
letter.  She  fancied  that  it  was  a  pleasant  surprise  for  her, 
planned  by  Mrs.  Hastrom,  and  that  that  lady  intended  in 
some  way  to  bring  her  and  Jonas  together. 

Of  course,  after  having  been  deprived  for  so  long  a  time 
of  the  pleasure  of  Jonas'  society,  Kitty  would  have  Mked  very 
much  to  have  seen  him  ;  but  still  women  are  patient  and  long- 
suffering,  and,  as  on  the  following  day,  she  received  a  note 
from  Mrs.  Hastrom,  in  which  she  was  informed  that  Jonas 
was  up  and  would  call  on  her  certainly  by  Friday,  she  kept 
up  her  spirits  amazingly. 

"Papa,"  said  she,  on  that  day,  "will  you  take  me  to  town 
to-morrow  afternoon?" 

"  Why,  of  course,"  responded  the  colonel ;  "  where  do  you 
wish  to  go  ?  " 

"To  Union  Square,  to  see  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First 
parade,"  responded  she. 

"  I  shall  not  object  to  that  sight  myself,"  said  the  colonel, 
delighted  to  find  that  Kitty  was  once  more  taking  an  interest 
in  the  things  that  were  going  on  around  her  ;  ff  and  that  will 
be  a  good  opportunity  to  call  on  Mrs.  Hastrom  and  inquire 
about  Jonas." 


THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL.         169 

Kitty  looked  her  thanks. 

It  was  rather  a  cruel  trick  that  Charley  was  playing  on 
Jonas.  Had  Jonas  dreamed  for  a  moment  that  Colonel 
Withers  had  removed  his  injunction,  he  would  have  flown  to 
Kitty's  side.  As  it  was,  however,  he  kept  his  promise  to 
Charley,  and  looked  forward  to  the  coming  Thursday  as  a 
day  which  was  to  end  his  misery  in  some  shape  or  other, 
though  Charley  had  not  explained  his  plot  to  him  sufficiently 
to  enable  him  to  foresee  the  real  happiness  that  was  in  store 
for  him  on  that  auspicious  occasion. 

If  the  reader  has  followed  the  foregoing  statements  with 
any  care,  he  must  have  observed  that  the  interest  of  this 
story  is  centred  in  the  coming  Thursday,  and  that  all  the 
persons  who  have  been  introduced  herein  are  looking  for- 
ward to  that  day  eagerly. 

The  Nine  Hundred  and  First,  as  the  day  of  its  annual 
parade. 

Jonas  Smith,  as  the  day,  which,  somehow  or  other,  was 
to  unite  him  once  more  to  the  woman  of  his  heart. 

Kitty  Withers,  as  the  day  on  which  she  was  to  see,  or 
at  least  be  under  the  same  roof  with,  Jonas. 

Charley  Hastrom,  as  the  day  for  the  development  of  his 
plot. 

Colonel  Withers,  as  the  day  which  was  to  reiuaugurate  in 
Kitty  an  interest  in  things  of  this  world. 

And  Mrs.  Becky,  as  the  day  which  was  to  witness  the 
crowning  specimens  of  her  skill  in  the  culinary  art. 


170  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 


CHAPTER   XXXVI. 

THE   VERITABLE   COLONEL   SMITH. 

MEANWHILE,  the  gallant  Nine  Hundred  and  First  was 
making  great  preparation  for  the  parade.  It  was  quite  im- 
portant that  it  should  be  a  successful  one,  for  two  reasons : 
first,  they  were  for  the  first  time  to  exhibit  their  new 
uniforms ;  and,  second,  a  regiment  from  Connecticut  had 
lately  paraded  down  Broadway,  and  had  almost  shaken  the 
throne  of  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First.  The  members  of 
the  regiment  were  somewhat  afraid  that  their  new  colonel 
would  not  do  them  much  honor ;  yet,  as  the  lieutenant- 
colonel  promised  to  keep  his  eyes  open,  and  to  give  Jonas 
such  hints  as  might  be  necessary,  they  hoped  that  they 
would  get  through  the  day  successfully.  Jonas,  however, 
was  resolved  that  the  regiment  should  not  suffer  through  his 
neglect,  and  so  he  devoted  all  his  time  to  his  new  office, 
and,  with  the  aid  of  Charley  and  the  lieutenant-colonel,  he 
crammed  himself  as  well  as  he  could  for  the  occasion. 

At  length  the  important  Thursday  arrived.  The  day  was 
a  delightful  one,  just  such  a  day  as  one  would  select  for  a 
parade.  It  was  just  warm  enough  to  save  the  soldiers  from 
the  necessity  of  carrying  their  overcoats,  and  yet  not  so 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  171 

warm  as  to  make  marching  unpleasant ;  a  light  breeze  was 
blowing,  and  the  streets  were  uncommonly  clean.  The 
members  of  the  regiment  were  in  fine  spirits,  and  every- 
thing betokened  a  successful  parade. 

Jonas  looked  grand.  He  was  a  fine,  big,  manly  fellow ; 
his  uniform  fitted  him  admirably ;  he  was  mounted  on  a 
black  horse,  of  high  spirits  and  fine  appearance,  and,  as  he 
was  a  capital  rider,  he  quite  impressed  his  subordinates. 
When  the  regiment  was  ready  to  start,  Jonas  dashed  along 
their  flank  and  placed  himself  at  their  head.  The  lines 
were  dressed,  and  then  Jonas  gave  the  word  of  command. 
As  they  started,  Charley  said  to  Jonas,  "I  say,  colonel,  keep 
your  eyes  open  at  Union  Square." 

What  a  sight  a  regiment  parading  down  the  avenue  is  ! 
Stretching  from  curb  to  curb  an  unbroken  line  of  men,  so 
true  in  movement  of  body  and  of  foot  as  to  seem  almost 
mechanical,  and  marching  grandly  down,  as  if  there  was 
nothing  that  could  terrify  them,  a  regiment  'is  a  glorious 
sight.  No  wonder  that  the  uniform  finds  its  way  at  once  to 
bright  maidens'  hearts.  I,  who  have  been  oft  deprived  of  a 
fair  one's  company  by  means  of  a  set  of  brass  buttons  swoop- 
ing down  upon  her  and  carrying  her  off,  admit  that  it  is  not  to 
be  wondered  at.  If  I  were  a  maiden  fair  myself,  I  really 
believe  that  I  should  strike  my  flag  at  once  to  the  first  pair 
of  epaulettes  that  did  me  the  honor  to  sit  down  before  my 
heart. 

To  a  lively  air  the  regiment  paraded  down  Fifth  Avenue 
to  Twenty-third  Street,  and  thence  down  Broadway  to  Um'on 
Square.  Jonas  did  not  know  what  Charley  meant  by  his 


172         THE  MAN  WHO  WAS  NOT  A  COLONEL. 

hint,  but  you  may  be  sure  that  he  kept  his  eyes  wide  open, 
and  he  saw  Kilty  and  her  father  standing  on  the  sidewalk. 
Jonas  raised  his  hat  gravely,  as  if  responding  to  a  cheer 
which  had  then  greeted  the  regiment  from  the  houses  ;  but 
his  eyes  met  those  of  Kitty,  and  she  knew  that  the  salute 
was  intended  solely  for  her. 

"  Papa,"  exclaimed  she,  "  look  there  ! " 

"Well,"  replied  he,  good-naturedly,  "I  am  looking." 

"But  see  their  colonel,  papa." 

"He  does  look  familiar,"  said  he,  as  he  put  on  his  glasses. 
"  By  Jove,  Kitty,  it's  Jonas  Smith  !  " 

"Yes,  papa,"  replied  she,  smiling  up  in  his  face. 

"  The  clever  rogue  !  "  chuckled  the  colonel. 

"Yes,  papa,"  assented  Kitty,  promptly. 

"And  I  needn't  have  troubled  myself,  it  seems,  to  offer 
you  to  him." 

"  Apparently  not,  papa ;  for  now  he's  a  real  colonel,  and 
you  can't  object." 

"By  Jove,  Kitty,"  said  the  colonel,  "our  friend,  the 
colonel,  must  be  awfully  fond  of  you." 

"  Thank  you,  papa,"  replied  she,  demurely. 

"And  he  deserves  you,  Kitty." 

"I  always  thought  so,  papa." 

"You  mean  I  didn't?" 

Kitty  shook  her  head  affirmatively  as  she  laughed  at  him. 

"  Well,  well,"  said  the  colonel,  "  we  are  all  liable  to  make 
mistakes,  and  I  have  repented." 

"You   couldn't   conveniently  turn   around   and   notice   a 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  173 

friend,  could  you,  colonel?"  asked  a  person  who  was  stand- 
ing behind  Colonel  Withers. 

The  colonel  turned  around  and  greeted  Mrs.  Hastrom, 
and  Kitty  also  shook  hands  with  her  heartily. 

"Did  you  see  the  regiment?"  asked  Mrs.  Hastrom. 

"Yes,"  replied  Kitty,  promptly. 

Now  the  truth  is  that  she  couldn't  have  told  whether  a 
regiment  or  a  company  had  passed  by ;  in  fact,  it's  doubtful 
whether  she  saw  more  than  one  man. 

"  And  did  you  see  my  husband?  "  asked  Mrs.  Becky. 

"No,"  replied  Kitty,  slowly. 

"Well, "said  Mrs.  Becky,  laughing,  "under  the  circum- 
stances I  forgive  you  ;  and  now  you  must  both  of  you  come 
right  home  and  dine  with  me,  and  see  Charley  there." 

"Oh,  by  the  way,  colonel,"  added  she,  turning  to  Colonel 
Withers,  "  perhaps  you  object  to  meeting  Colonel  Smith." 

"  Not  a  bit,"  said  the  colonel.     "  Do  we,  Kitty?  " 

"  Not  a  bit,"  replied  she,  gayly. 

"  Well,  then,  come  right  along,"  added  Mrs.  Hastrom ; 
"  for  if  there  is  anything  that  Charley  and  Colonel  Smith 
dislike,  it  is  a  cold  dinner,  though  they  will  be  late." 

"  And  I  quite  agree  with  them,"  said  Colonel  Withers ; 
"  so  hurry  us  as  much  as  you  please." 

So  the  colonel  and  his  daughter  went  home  with  Mrs. 
Hastrom,  and  there  awaited  the  return  of  the  bold  soldier 
boys.  Mrs.  Hastrom  kept  her  eye  on  the  cook,  Kitty  gave 
some  of  her  old-time  songs  in  the  parlor,  and  the  colonel 
went  to  the  library  and  amused  himself  with  the  books  and 
engravings. 


174  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 


CHAPTER  XXXVH. 

TRUE  LOVE  DOES  RUN  SMOOTH. 

IN  due  time  Charley  returned  home,  bringing  with  him 
the  new  colonel.  Charley  had  received  his  instructions  in 
the  morning  from  Mrs.  Becky,  and  so,  as  he  passed  along, 
he  shunted  off  Jonas,  as  it  were,  into  the  parlor,  and  went 
on  to  the  dining-room  himself.  Thus  the  meeting  of  the 
two  lovers  was  witnessed  only  by  themselves.  They  had 
a  thousand  things  to  tell  each  other,  and  they  mingled  their 
information  with  so  many  endearing  expressions,  and  kisses, 
and  embraces,  that  they  got  along  very  slowly,  though  prob- 
ably quite  satisfactorily.  Mrs.  Hastrom  gave  them  as  much 
time  as  she  could,  but  presently  the  inexorable  dinner 
demanded  their  presence. 

Finally  Mrs.  Hastrom,  followed  by  Charley  and  Colonel. 
Withers,  entered  the  parlor.  They  found  Jonas  and  Kitty 
sitting  hand  in  hand,  and  gazing  fondly  on  each  other. 

"  Could  you  take  a  short  adjournment  for  dinner  ?  "  inquired 
Mrs.  Hastrom. 

"Especially  as  we  are  short  of  spoons,"  added  Charley. 

Then  Colonel  Withers  chimed  in  :  — 

"I'm  delighted  to  see  you,  Colonel  Smith,"  and  shook 
hands  heartily  with  Jonas. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  175 

"Then  you  withdraw  your  objections?"  asked  Jonas. 

"You've  compelled  me  to  do  so,"  responded  the  colonel. 
"It  was  a  clever  trick,  my  boy ;  and,  by  and  by,  we'll  drink 
a  bumper  to  Colonel  Jonas  Smith." 

And  they  did  drink  a  bumper  to  Colonel  Jonas  Smith, 
and  had  a  very  merry  dinner.  The  old  colonel  was  in  high 
good-humor,  and  Kitty  and  Jonas  had  quite  recovered  their 
spirits.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  Charley  was  in  his  ele- 
ment. The  bad  jokes  that  were  got  off  at  that  dinner-table 
would  have  made  Joe  Miller's  hair  stand  on  end,  if  he  could 
have  been  resuscitated  ;  the  atrocious  puns  that  were  perpe- 
trated would  have  startled  even  Lord  Dundreary  himself; 
yet  those  people  enjoyed  themselves  hugely. 

What  an  evening  they  passed  afterwards  !  Jonas  always 
looked  upon  it  as  the  happiest  night  of  his  life.  Kitty  was 
in  high  spirits,  and  sang  as  merrily  as  a  lark.  Even  the  old 
colonel  joined  in  the  mirth  most  heartily,  and  Avas  so  en- 
grossed in  amusing  himself  that  he  forgot  that  he  was 
keeping  unconscionable  hours.  Finally,  however,  after  he 
had  kept  his  carriage  waiting  at  the  door  more  than  an  hour, 
he  insisted  upon  going  home.  But  even  then  Jonas  could 
not  bear  to  part  from  Kitty,  and  he  begged  the  colonel  to 
give  him  a  seat  in  his  carriage,  for  a  part  of  the  way,  at  least. 

"All  the  way,  my  boy,  if  you  wish,"  responded  the  colo- 
nel, heartily.  "I  haven't  treated  you  very  well,  and  I'm 
willing  to  make  up  for  that,  if  I  can." 

So  Jonas  rode  home  with  Kitty,  and,  as  the  colonel  fell 
asleep  almost  as  soon  as  they  had  rolled  off  of  the  stones, 
Jonas  and  Kitty  had  a  very  pleasant  chat.  When  they 


176  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

reached  Kitty's  home,  the  colonel  urged  Jonas  to  stay  all 
night,  but  Jonas  refused. 

"Well,"  said  the  colonel,  "I'll  send  the  man  back  with 
you." 

"No,"  said  Jonas,  "I'm  going  to  walk." 

"What,"  exclaimed  the  colonel,  "all  the  way?" 

'"Yes,"  responded  Jonas.  "This  is  the  happiest  night  of 
my  life,  and  I  want  to  think  it  out." 

"And  make  some  good  resolutions  for  the  future,  I  sup- 
pose," said  the  colonel. 

"I  hope  so,"  said  Jonas. 

And  so,  after  a  good-night  to  Kitty,  Jonas  departed. 

Jonas  took  up  his  >old-time  position  in  the  house  once 
more,  and  Kitty  was  perfectly  happy.  Lovers  proverbially 
find  happiness  in  the  merest  bagatelles,  and  Jonas  and 
Kitty  in  nowise  differed  from  other  lovers.  The  slightest 
pleasure  enjoyed  in  each  other's  society  became  enhanced 
tenfold.  Just  as  an  experiment  —  I  tell  you  this  in  the 
utmost  confidence  —  I  am  going  some  time  or  other  to  fall 
head-over-ears  in  love,  that  is,  if  I  can  find  any  charming 
young  female  who  will  assist  me  in  the  business.  Alas  ! 
that,  in  order  to  do  so,  I  must  dye  the  gray  hairs  that  will 
struggle  in  among  my  black  ones,  and  must  assume  the  airs 
of  youth.  Nevertheless,  in  the  cause  of  science  —  if  there 
be  such  a  thing  as  a  science  of  love  —  I  have  resolved  to 
sacrifice  myself,  and,  when  I  have  sufficiently  recovered, 
I'll  write  for  you,  my  dear  reader,  a  new  "  confessio 
amantis." 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  177 

One  day,  when  Jonas  was  at  the  house,  the  colonel  was 
particularly  jocular. 

"Look  here,  colonel,"  said  he,  "aren't  you  tolerably  tired 
of  playing  lover  ?  " 

"  Certainly  not,"  responded  Jonas. 

"Nor  you,  Kitty,  of  having  a  lover?  " 

"Not  unless  you  intend. to  impose  Lieutenant  Mackenzie 
upon  me,"  responded  Kitty,  gayly. 

"  That  reminds  me,"  said  the  colonel ;  "I  must  call  on  the 
major.  Well,"  continued  he,  "I'm  tired  of  having  you 
play  lovers,  and  I  insist  upon  your  being  married  at  once." 

"  The  sooner  the  better,"  said  Jonas,  laughing. 

"What  do  you  say  to  that,  Kitty?"  asked  her  father. 

"Whenever  Jonas  wishes,"  replied  she,  placing  her  hand 
in  that  of  Jonas. 

"All  right,"  said  the  colonel;  "then  I'll  take  command, 
and  I  direct  that  Colonel  Jonas  Smith  take  charge  of  the 
fortress,  Kitty  Withers,  on  Wednesday,  the  25th  instant." 

"  Three  weeks  !  "  gasped  Kitty.  "  I  don't  believe  I  can 
get  ready,  papa." 

"As  the  Mahommedans  say,  'What  is  written,  is  written.' 
The  general  orders  have  been-  given,  and  no  one  can  disobey 
them  under  the  penalty  —  " 

"  Of  what  ?  "  asked  Jonas. 

"  Of  having  the  wedding  postponed  for  a  year,"  solemnly 
replied  the  colonel. 

"Kitty  !  "  said  Jonas,  looking  at  her  eagerly. 

"  Oh,  I'll  try,"  responded  she  hastily,  "  and  I've  no  doubt 

that  I  can  get  ready." 
12 


178  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

"  I  thought,"  muttered  the  colonel,  as  he  turned  away, 
"that  that  sort  of  punishment  would  settle  the  business." 

Then  he  chuckled  immensely,  during  the  rest  of  the  day, 
over  the  way  in  which  he  had  put  it. 


CHAPTER  XXXVm. 

THE   COLONEL   VISITS   THE   MA  JOE. 

WHEN  the  colonel  had  taken  that  memorable  ride  to  the 
residence  of  Jonas,  one  of  his  most  painful  reflections  had 
been  what  the  major  would  think  about  it.  Only  a  short  time 
before  he  had  announced  boldly  to  the  major  that,  under  no 
circumstances,  would  he  permit  his  daughter  to  marry  a 
civilian ;  and  there  he  was,  on  his  way  to  beg  a  civilian  to 
marry  his  daughter.  The  worst  of  it  was  that  he  knew  that 
the  major,  under  the  same  circumstances,  would  have  acted 
differently.  The  major  would  have  kept  his  resolution,  if 
the  girl  had  died.  And  what  jokes,  gibes,  and  unpleasant 
remarks  the  major  would  make  at  his  expense  !  All  these 
thoughts  passed  through  the  colonel's  mind  during  that 
memorable  ride,  and  made  him  decidedly  uncomfortable. 
However,  the  colonel  resolved  that  he  would  avoid  the 
major,  and  thus  escape  explanations.  To-be  sure,  that 
would  be  unpleasant  for  the  colonel;  but  then,  what  else 
could  he  do  under  the  circumstances  ? 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  179 

Now,  however,  the  colonel  was  jubilant.  There  was  no 
necessity  for  hiding  his  head  in  shame  in  the  major's  pres- 
ence. His  daughter  was  to  marry  the  man  she  loved,  and 
that  man  was  not  a  civilian.  So  delighted  was  the  colonel 
with  the  present  condition  of  affairs,  that  he  resolved  one 
morning  to  go  down  town  and  call  upon  the  major. 

" Kitty,"  said  he,  "have  you  any  message  for  the  major? " 

"No,"  replied  she,  somewhat  astonished. 

"What,  no  message  ;  nor  for  his  nephew?" 

"  Certainly  not,"  replied  she. 

"  Well,  after  your  treatment  of  them  on  their  last  visit," 
said  the  colonel,  "you  really  ought  to  send  them  some 
cheerful  word." 

"  Oh,  you  can  take  them  my  forgiveness,"  replied  Kitty, 
as  she  went  out  of  the  room. 

The  colonel  laughed  heartily  and  departed. 

The  major  was  in  his  office ;  but  he  was  not  in  a  proper 
state  of  mind  to  receive  visitors.  Evidently  something  had 
gone  wrong  with  him,  and  his  temper,  not  of  the  best  at  any 
time,  was  in  a  fearful  state  on  that  day. 

"How  are  you,  major?"  asked  the  colonel,  cheerfully. 

"How  are  you?"  grunted  the  major. 

"  Why,  major,  what  ails  you  ?  " 

"Everything,"  responded  the  major,  gruffly. 

"  And  our  nephew  ?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

"  D — n  my  nephew  !  "  cried  the  major.  "  That's  what 
ails  me,  that's  all  that  ails  me." 

"  Why,  what  has  he  done  ? "  inquired  the  colonel,  in 
surprise. 


180  THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT   A    COLONEL. 

w  Done  !  "  cried  the  major.  "  He's  done  everything  that 
he  hadn't  ought  to.  I  took  him  into  the  business,  and  he 
set  out  to  ruin  me." 

"  Oh,  the  ignorance  of  youth,"  commented  the  colonel. 

"Youth  be  hanged!"  exclaimed  the  major.  "Youth  be 
bio  wed !  It  isn't  very  ignorant,  nor  very  youthful,  for  a 
fellow  to  issue  the  paper  of  the  firm  to  the  extent  of  five 
thousand  dollars,  and  then  go  off  and  lose  every  dollar  of 
the  money  at  faro." 

"  What  a  pity  !  "  said  the  colonel ;  "  and  he  a  Mackenzie  ! " 

"That's  the  devil  of  it,"  interrupted  the  major.  "If  he'd 
been  a  Smith,  or  a  Brown,  I'd  have  sent  him  to  jail ;  but  I 
can't  send  a  Mackenzie  there." 

"It's  precious  lucky  that  I  didn't  let  him  marry  my 
daughter,  after  all,"  muttered,  rather  than  spoke,  the  colonel. 

"Well,  she  might  have  done  worse,"  said  the  major, 
sharply.  "  How  is  the  girl  ?  " 

"  Oh,  she's  all  right  now,"  responded  the  colonel,  gayly. 

"Well,  I  told  you  so,"  said  the  major. 

"  And  she's  engaged  to  be  married  to  a  colonel,"  said  the 
colonel,  chuckling  as  he  let  out  his  information. 

"  What ! "  almost  shouted  the  major ;  "  another  colonel  ?  " 

"No,"  responded  the  colonel;  "it's  the  same  man,  only  he 
has  become  a  colonel." 

w  Of  what?  "  asked  the  major,  eagerly. 

"  Of  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First,"  responded  the  colonel, 
calmly. 

"  Oh,  in  the  militia,"  said  the  major,  in  a  most  sarcastic 
and  aggravating  tone. 


THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL.  181 

"Well,  what  of  that?"  asked  the  colonel,  hastily,  some- 
what irritated. 

"  Oh,  it's  better  than  nothing,"  said  the  major,  still  in  his 
sarcastic  tone.  "It's  just  better  than  nothing." 

"Sir,"  said  the  colonel,  in  great  heat,  "it's  good  enough 
for  me." 

"Oh,  of  course,"  said  the  major.  "We  all  praise  our 
own  chickens." 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  colonel,  now  thoroughly  roused,  "  he's 
better  than  a  Mackenzie,  who  plays  faro  with  some  one 
else's  money." 

"  Sir ! "  cried  the  major,  springing  up  and  assuming  a 
defiant  attitude. 

"Sir  yourself,"  said  the  colonel,  swelling  out  his  chest, 
and  looking  over  the  head  of  his  opponent. 

"You'll  hear  from  me,  sir,"  said  the  major;  "you'll  hear 
from  me." 

"Very  well,  sir,"  responded  the  colonel,  as  he  left  the 
office  with  much  dignity. 

Two  old  friends  had  quarelled  about  a  matter  which  was 
certainly  not  of  the  slightest  personal  interest  to  either  of 
them. 

Now  £he  colonel  had  not  gone  half  a  mile  before  he  was 
sorry  that  he  had  been  betrayed  into  such  hasty  expressions. 
Major  Mackenzie  was  his  oldest  friend,  and  was  suffering 
from  the  irritation  consequent  upon  one  of  the  most  unpleas- 
ant of  difficulties,  a  family  trouble.  The  colonel  felt  that, 
instead  of  adding  to  that  irritation,  he  ought,  as  a  friend,  to 
have  aided  the  major  in  bearing  his  troubles.  By  the  time 


182  THE   MAN   WHO   WAS   NOT    A   COLONEL. 

the    colonel     had    reached    his    home    he    was    decidedly 
uncomfortable . 

The  major  was  a  hot-tempered,  but  uncommonly  good- 
hearted,  old  fellow.  He  was  decidedly  fond  of  the  colonel, 
and,  as  soon  as  his  heat  had  subsided,  felt  that  he  should 
have  congratulated  the  colonel  upon  the  good  fortune  of  his 
daughter,  rather  than  have  made  it  a  means  of  breeding  un- 
pleasantness between  old  friends.  He  felt  very  sorry  for 
what  he  had  done,  but  his  honor  was  pledged  to  call  him 
out,  and  call  him  out  he  must,  if  he  should  break  all  the 
laws  ever  invented. 

Fortunately,  when  the  colonel  reached  his  home,  he  found 
Jonas  there,  and  fortunately  he  determined  to  select  that 
gentleman  for  his  second.  Accordingly  he  detailed  to 
Jonas  the  events  of  the  day,  just  as  they  had  occurred. 
Jonas  listened  patiently  until  the  old  gentleman  had  finished, 
and  then  he  said  at  once  :  — 

"  Now,  colonel,  this  won't  do.  I  am  not  going  to  have  my 
wedding-day  spoiled  by  a  quarrel  between  two  old  friends. 
I  am  going  to  the  major  at  once,  and  I  am  going  to  tell  him 
that  you  are  sorry  for  what  you  said." 

"If  he  is,  Jonas;  but,  if  he  insists  upon  fighting,  I  shall 
not  back  out,  you  understand." 

So  Jonas  went  to  the  major.  He  found  that  gentleman 
still  at  his  office.  The  major  glared  at  Jonas,  as  he  entered 
and  saluted  him. 

"Now,  major,"  said  Jonas,  "it  isn't  fair  for  you  and  the 
colonel  to  quarrel  about  me,  when  my  wedding-day  is  so 


THE   MAN    WHO    WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL.  183 

near  at  hand.  The  colonel  is  quite  heart-broken  about  your 
quarrel." 

"  So  am  I,  then,"  said  the  major,  bluntly. 

"  And  is  very  sorry  that  he  said  anything  unpleasant  to 
you." 

"So  ami,"  responded  the  major;  "that  I  said  anything 
unpleasant  to  him." 

"That's  as  it  should  be,"  said  Jonas.  "The  courage  of 
both  of  you  is  too  well  established  to  be  doubted.  The 
colonel  is  anxious  to  make  up  your  old  friendship." 

"So  am  I,"  said  the  major,  "and  I'll  apologize,  if  the 
colonel  asks  it." 

"  Oh,  no,"  said  Jonas,  "  only  I  want  you  to  dance  at  my 
wedding." 

"I'll  do  that,"  said  the  major,  "if  you  send  me  an  in- 
vitation." 

"You  can  rely  on  that,"  said  Jonas. 

Then  Jonas  was  about  to  depart  when  the  major  came  up 
to  him,  took  his  hand,  shook  it  heartily,  and  remarked :  — 

"  Colonel  Smith,  you  may  be  in  the  militia,  but  you're  a 
devilish  good  fellow." 


184  THE   MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT    A    COLONEL. 


CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

SHALL   HE   RESIGN  ? 

THE  colonel  had  not  been  informed  as  to  the  details  of  the 
election  of  Jonas  as  colonel  of  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First. 
All  he  knew  was  that  Jonas  was  the  colonel,  and  Jonas 
looked  forward  to  the  time  when  he  must  tell  the  colonel 
how  he,  Jonas,  had  been  elected,  without  much  pleasure. 
However,  told  it  must  be,  and  he  selected  one  evening  when 
Charley  and  his  wife  were  visiting  Kitty,  as  the  opportunity, 
hoping  that  Charley  would  be  of  some  assistance  to  him. 

"Colonel  Withers,"  said  Jonas,  jumping  at  once  into  the 
water,  "  on  next  Tuesday  I  resign  my  position  as  colonel  of 
the  Nine  Hundred  and  First." 

"  Resign  !  "  exclaimed  the  colonel,  quite  dumfounded. 

"Yes,"  replied  Jonas.  "One  week  from  to-day  I  must 
resign,  and  become  an  ex-colonel." 

"Well,"  said  the  colonel,  as  soon  as  he  had  somewhat 
recovered  from  his  astonishment,  "  I'm  opposed  to  that  per- 
formance. However,  we'll  call  a  council  of  war  on  the 
subject." 

So  the   colonel  announced  to  the   assembled  party  the 


THE    MAN   WHO    WAS   NOT   A    COLONEL.  185 

proposition  which  Jonas  had  stated,  and  then  asked  them 
for  their  opinions. 

"Now,  Kitty,"  said  he,  "  what  do  you  think?" 

"I'm  sure,"  replied  she,  "that  it  makes  no  difference  to 
me  whether  Jonas  is  or  is  not  a  colonel.  He  can  resign,  if 
he  wishes ;  but  he  need  not  do  so,  on  my  account.  If  he 
thinks  he  ought  to  resign,  so  do  I." 

Jonas  looked  his  thanks. 

Mark  the  inconsistency  of  womankind  I  A  few  months  ago 
that  girl  would  have  agreed  to  any  proposition  put  forward 
by  her  father,  and  now  she  was  opposing  her  parent,  and 
agreeing  with  a  young  gentleman,  without  the  faintest  shadow 
of  a  reason. 

The  colonel  was  somewhat  nonplussed  by  his  daughter's 
speech,  and  so  he  turned  to  Mrs.  Becky,  and  asked  for  her 
opinion. 

"  Well,"  replied  that  little  woman,  "Jonas  makes  a  very 
good  colonel,  for  I've  heard  Charley  say  so "  —  (woman 
again  !)  —  "  and  I  think  he  should  remain." 

"  So  do  I,"  said  the  colonel.  "  So  we'll  consider  it  settled, 
and  say  no  more  about  it." 

That  was  the  colonel's  idea  of  a  council  of  war. 

Jonas,  however,  took  a  different  view  of  the  matter,  and, 
on  that  very  evening,  he  penned  and  forwarded  a  formal 
resignation. 

Now  any  one  who  supposes  that  I  propose  to  dismiss  the 
Nine  Hundred  and  First  in  a  cavalier  fashion  is  very  much 
mistaken.  I  am  not  that  kind  of  man.  Why,  look  you, 
what  should  we  have  done  without  the  Nine  Hundred  and 


186  THE   MAN   WHO   WAS    NOT   A   COLONEL. 

First  ?  To  be  sure,  Jonas  might  have  married  Kitty  ;  but  the 
colonel  would  have  been  unhappy,  and  that  would  have 
made  Kitty  unhappy,  and  that  would  have  made  Jonas 
unhappy.  So  you  see  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First  has  been 
too  important  an  adjunct  to  this  story  to  be  dismissed  with- 
out at  least  a  good-by. 

Well,  the  evening  when  the  regiment  was  again  to  meet 
was  at  hand.  The  officers  were  all  assembled  in  the  armory, 
when  Jonas  entered.  As  soon  as  the  meeting  had  been 
called  to  order,  Jonas  rose  and  said :  — 

"  GENTLEMEN,  —  We  are  all  aware  that  this  meeting  has 
been  called  to  select  a  presiding  officer  for  this  regiment. 
One  month  ago  you  did  me  a  favor,  which  I  never  can 
repay,  and  for  which  I  thank  you,  from  the  bottom  of  my 
heart.  I  have,  in  accordance  with  the  arrangement  then 
made,  already  sent  in  a  formal  resignation ;  but  I  could  not 
refrain  from  coming  here  personally,  and  thanking  you, 
which  I  do  most  heartily,  for  your  kindness  to  me.  Hoping 
that  your  regiment  will  have  all  the  success  it  deserves,  I 
respectfully  tender  my  resignation  as  colonel  of  the  gallant 
Nine  Hundred  and  First." 

Then  Jonas  left  the  room  and  located  himself  in  one  of 
the  company  rooms,  in  order  that  he  might  say  good-by  to 
the  officers  after  they  had  finished  their  important  business. 

"Look  here,  gentlemen,"  said  Harry  Bromley,  the  leader 
of  the  outsiders,  after  Jonas  had  left  the  room,  "  I  am,  for 
one,  quite  satisfied  with  our  present  colonel.  He  made  a 
fine  appearance  on  our  annual  parade,  and  did  the  regiment 
credit,  and,  besides  that,  he  is  a  whole-souled  fellow.  I  think 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL.  187 

we'd  better  keep  a  good  leader,  now  that  we've  got  one.  I, 
for  one,  shall  vote  for  him.  What  do  you  say,  Charley?" 
asked  he,  turning  to  Charley  Hastrom. 

"Nothing,"  replied  Charley.  "When  I  asked  you  last 
month  to  do  me  a  great  favor,  you  did  it  like  clever  fellows, 
and  I  don't  propose  to  increase  my  obligations.  Whoever 
is  satisfactory  to  the  rest  of  you  will  suit  me.  Of  course, 
as  Colonel  Smith  is  my  friend,  if  he  is  to  be  a  candidate,  I 
shall  vote  for  him." 

"Well,"  said  the  lieutenant-colonel,  "I  think  it's  an 
uncommonly  good  suggestion,  and  I  nominate  Jonas  Smith 
for  colonel  of  this  regiment." 

"  And  I  second  the  nomination,"  added  Harry  Bromley, 

The  preliminaries  for  the  election  Were  speedily  arranged, 
and  all  proceeded  to  vote.  Strange  as  it  may  appear, 
when  the  ballots  were  counted,  they  all  bore  the  name  of 
Jonas  Smith.  Again  he  had  been  unanimously  elected 
colonel  of  the  Nine  Hundred  and  First.  Of  course  he  was 
immediately  brought  out  of  the  room  in  which  he  had  en- 
sconced himself,  and  of  course,  notwithstanding  his  protests, 
he  was  compelled  to  accept  the  position,  which  he  finally 
did  in  a  neat  little  speech,  which  brought  down  the  house. 

"I  say,  Jonas,"  said  Charley,  as  they  left  the  armory, 
"  how  this  will  delight  the  colonel ! " 

"To  tell  you  the  truth,"  responded  Jonas,  "that  is  the 
chief  reason  why  I  accepted." 


188  THE   MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 


CHAPTER  XL. 

WE   DANCE   AT   THE   WEDDING. 

ON  the  day  following  the  election,  when  Jonas  met  the 
colonel,  he  saluted  him  very  abruptly,  with  the  remark :  — 

"  Well,  colonel,  I  resigned  last  night." 

The  colonel  looked  at  him  as  if  he  had  gone  crazy. 

"  Resigned  !  "  gasped  the  colonel. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Jonas.     "  I  told  you  I  should." 

"  But  I  thought  we  arranged  that  you  should  not  resign." 

"  I  didn't  agree  to  it,  though,"  responded  Jonas,  "  and  so 
last  night  I  resigned." 

"  But  they  re-elected  him,  papa,"  said  Kitty. 

"Of  course,"  said  the  colonel,  immensely  relieved.  "I 
knew  they  would." 

Then  the  colonel  insisted  that  he  would  give  one  of  his 
little  dinners,  to  which  he  would  invite  every  officer  of  the 
Nine  Hundred  and  First. 

"  Oh,  no,  papa,"  said  Kitty.     "You  know — ," 

"  Well,  I  know  what,  puss  ?  "  asked  the  colonel. 

"  You  know  that  I  —  that  we  —  " 

"That  we  are  to  be  married  next  week,"  added  Jonas, 
helping  her  out  of  her  difficulty. 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS    NOT    A   COLONEL.  189 

"Yes,"  responded  the  colonel. 

"And  wouldn't  it  be  nicer,"  asked  she,  "to  —  to  —  " 

"Invite  them  to  the  wedding?"  supplemented  Jonas. 

"A  capital  idea,"  said  the  colonel;  "so  get  to  work  at 
once." 

Then  there  was  an  uproar  in  the  house.  The  establish- 
ment was  filled  with  tulle  and  raisins,  and  silks  and  citron, 
and  satins  and  sugar,  and  cakes  and  wines,  and  ribbons  and 
jellies.  (I  am  not  at  all  sure  that  I  have  not  mixed  up 
those  articles  in  inextricable  confusion ;  however,  how  can 
you  expect  the  uneducated  male  to  know  anything  about  wed- 
ding arrangements  ?  He  dons  his  dress  suit,  marches  down 
the  aisle  of  the  church,  gets  married,  and  goes  home  to  the 
feast,  recking  naught  of  the  days  of  labor  which  have  been 
given  over  to  preparations.  Before  I  sat  down  to  write  this 
chapter,  I  endeavored  to  find  out  what  is  en  regie  under 
such  circumstances,  and,  for  that  purpose,  called  upon  a 
fascinating  young  damsel  of  my  acquaintance.  The  ignorant 
servant-maid  bounced  me  into  the  parlor,  where  I  found  the 
light  turned  down  so  low  that  I  could  hardly  see  anything. 
I  did,  however,  discover  two  animate  objects,  springing  to 
opposite  ends  of  the  sofa.  On  inspection  they  turned  out  to 
be  my  charming  young  friend  and  a  decidedly  handsome 
young  man.  Disgusted  at  myself,  I  could  only  mutter  that 
I  had  merely  dropped  in  to  find  out  the  time  of  day,  and 
then  retire.  As  I  left  the  door  I  unconsciously  whistled  the 
wedding  march.  That  must  be  my  excuse  for  not  being 
more  specific  as  to  details.) 

You  can   rest   assured,  however,  that   all  the   foregoing 


190  THE    MAN    WHO    WAS    NOT    A    COLONEL. 

matters  did  not  prevent  Kitty  from  finding  time  to  devote 
to  Jonas.  A  woman  is  so  strangely  constituted  that,  if  the 
idol  of  her  heart  should  murmur,  "  Come  sit  by  my  side,  little 
darling,"  when  she  was  engaged  in  reading  the  latest  fashion 
book,  she  would  immediately  leave  her  engrossing  duties, 
and  place  herself  so  close  to  his  side,  that  you  would  im- 
agine that  a  new  pair  of  Siamese  twins  had  been  discovered. 
Alas  for  us  for  whom  all  that  bliss  is  ended,  and  alas,  and 
alas,  for  those,  who  have  never  experienced  it ! 

"  Tis  better  to  have  loved  and  —  got  married, 
Than  never  to  have  loved  at  all." 

I  frankly  confess  that  I  have  a  very  strong  desire  to  halt 
right  here,  and  deliver  a  brief  moral  essay  to  the  reader 
upon  the  vanity  and  foolishness  of  marrying;  but  what 
would  be  the  use  ?  Did  you  ever  know  anybody  who  was 
converted  by  argument  ?  Nay,  I  think  not.  No  more  did 
I.  I'm  in  favor  of  falling  in  love,  and,  if  people  allow  that 
delightful  pleasure  to  submerge  itself  in  matrimony,  why,  I 
suppose  they  would  go  on  doing  that,  though  every  married 
man  in  the  land  rose  up  and  warned  them.  Well,  go  on, 
youngsters,  go  on.  Experentia  docet. 

The  wedding  came  off  duly  on  the  day  which  had  been 
fixed  by  the  colonel.  Major  Mackenzie  came,  in  accordance 
with  his  promise.  When  the  two  veterans  met,  each 
stretched  out  his  hand. 

"  Major,"  said  the  colonel. 

"  Colonel,"  said  the  major. 

Their  hands  clasped  together,  and  their  peace  was  made. 


THE   MAN    WHO   WAS   NOT   A   COLONEL.  191 

Of  course,  Charley  and  Mrs.  Becky  were  on  hand, 
renewing,  as  Charley  said,  their  youthful  experiences. 

"And,  my  boy,"  said  Charley  to  Jonas,  " if  you  want  any 
information  on  the  honeymoon  business,  I'm  your  man. 
You  see  I've  been  through  the  mill,  and  '  I  know  how  it  is 
myself.'  The  honeymoon's  your  strong  card.  You  can  get 
them  to  promise  anything  while  that  lasts." 

"And  after  that?"  asked  Jonas,  laughing. 

"They'll  keep  the  promises,  if  they  like,"  responded 
Charley ;  "and  generally  they  don't  like." 

"Well,  never  mind,  Charley,"  said  Jonas;  "Kitty  and  I 
will  not  disagree  about  promises." 

"The  rashness  of  inexperience,"  muttered  Charley  as 
Jonas  left  him ;  "  how  it  fools  even  a  sensible  man  ! " 

I  know  I  ought  to  describe  the  ceremony  and  the  parties 
to  it,  but  you  really  must  be  satisfied,  when  I  tell  you  that 
Kitty  was  the  daintiest  and  loveliest  of  brides,  and  Jonas 
the  most  manly  of  bridegrooms.  What  more  could  I  say 
if  I  tried  ?  Isn't  that  the  very  quintessence  of  praise  ? 

You  can  be  sure  that  the  officers  of  the  Nine  Hundred  and 
First  were  present  in  full  uniform  at  the  wedding,  and  that 
they  heartily  cheered  Jonas  and  his  bride.  In  fact,  as  the 
carriage  containing  Jonas  and  Kitty  rolled  out  of  the  gate- 
way, they  burst  into  one  enthusiastic  shout,  of  which  the 
burden  was  :  — 

"  Hurrah  for  Colonel  Jonas  Smith  !  " 


Kobert   Falconer, 

David   Elginbrod, 

Adela  Cathcart, 

Phantasies, 
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"  His  books  are  of  their  own  kind.  One  cannot  read  them 
without  being  stimulated  to  something  nobler  and  purer,  for  thi^y 
may  honestly  be  called  both.  They  are  a  mine  of  original  and 
quaint  similitudes,  and  their  deep  perceptions  of  human  nature 
are  certainly  remarkable." —  SCRIBNER'S  MONTHLY. 

"  In  George  Mac  Donald's  company  the  very  air  seems  im- 
pregnated with  love,  purity,  and  tenderness."  —  Rev.  DK. 

GUTHIUE. 


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"A  rare  old  English  story,  piquant,  racy,  and  pathetic;  full  of  active  life, 
energetic  expression,  and  nice  discernment.  It  is  truer  to  life  than  any  book 
we  have  seen  published  for  many  a  day.  The  characters  are  just  such  quaint 
mixtures  of  good  and  bad  as  wo  are  constantly  meeting. 

"  BARBARA,  (the  young  lady  that  was  '  Broken  to  Harness '),  glorious  in  spite 
of  faults,  floats  before  us  with  her  majestic  grace,  half  blamed,  half  pitied. 

"  And  strangest,  truest,  and  best-drawn  character  of  all,  rare  Kate  Mellon, 
tho  Horse  Trainer,  ill-bred,  but  noble,  loving  and  great-hearted,  whom  wo 
honor  more  the  farther  we  read. 

"  The  book  is  full  of  fine  delineations.  Tho  style  is  dashing,  free  and  easy, 
eingularly  bold,  never  coarse.  Here,  for  once,  is  a  book  where  .people  talk 
.naturally. 

41  It  will  bo  a  long  while  before  another  so  full  of  good  things  will  appear." 


Running   the   Gauntlet. 

By  Edmund  Tates. 
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•"Edmund  Yates  may  now  bo  ranked  among  the  first  writers  of  fiction. 
•*  Broken  to  Harness '  was  one  of  tho  most  original  and  natural  stories  of  modern 
fiction;  and  '  Running  the  Gauntlet,'  in  many  respects,  is  a  stronger  and  bet- 
ter book. 

"  It  is  the  same  in  style,  in  dialogue,  in  insight;  but  in  plot  .and  incident  it 
is  as  different  as  we  could  wish.  The  story  is  one  very  common  to  life,  and  tho 
heroine,  Lady  Mitford,  is  one  of  those  pure  and  noble  creatures  we  meet  only 
too  seldom. 

"With  the  greatest  delight  should  all  lovers  of  good  books  welcome  this  new 
author,  paying  him  tho  tribute  which  he  demands,  —  the  tribute  of  careful 
study  and  consequent  appreciation.". 


Pique  -s 


.A.  Tale  of"  the 

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Publisher,    .    .    .   BOSTO3Y. 


Twenty  years  have  passed  since  "  PIQUE"  was  first  published  ii. 
I/ondon. 

Notwithstanding  the  enormous  number  of  new  b*ooks  that  have 
been  published  since,  this  remarkable  novel  has  not  been  crowded 
out  of  sight. 

This  is  the  strongest  praise  that  can  be  bestowed  on  any  book. 

PIQUE 

is  not  in  the  least  "sensational,"  but  relies  solely  on  its  rare  beaiity 
of  style,  and  truthfulness  to  nature,  for  its  popularity. 

It  has  the  merit  of  being  amusing,  pleasantly  written,  and  en- 
grossing. 

The  characters^being  high-bred  men  and  women,  are  charming 
companions  for  ah  hour's  solitude,  and  one  put  the  book  aside  re- 
gretfully, even  as  one  closes  the  eyes  on  a  delicious  vision. 

The  American  edition  has  taken  every  one  by  surprise,  that  so 
remarkably  good  a  novel  should  have  so  long  escaped  attention. 

Everybody  is  charmed  with  it,  and  its  popularity  will  endure  for 
years  to  come. 


Mainstoiie's    Housekeeper. 

AN      ENGLISH      NOVEL. 

By  Miss  Eliza  Moteyard  (Silverpen.) 
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LORIIVG,   Publisher,     .     .     .    BOSTON. 


A  fresh,  vigorous,  powerful  story  of  English  country  life,  full 
of  exquisite  pictures  of  rural  scenery,  with  a  plot  which  is  man- 
aged with  great  skill,  and  a  surprise  kept  constantly  ahead  so  that 
from  the  opening  to  the  close  the  interest  never  flags.  There  is 
life  in  every  page,  and  a  fresh,  delicate,  hearty  sentiment  per- 
vades the  book  that  exhilarates  and  charms  indiscribably. 

The  heroine  —  Charlotte,  the  housekeeper  —  is  one  of  the  finest 
characters  ever  drawn,  and  merits  unqualified  commendation. 

As  a  whole,  for  beauty  of  style  and  diction,  passionate  ear- 
nestness, effective  contrasts,  distinctness  of  plot,  unity  and  com- 
pleteness, 

THIS  NOVEL  IS  WITHOUT  A  RIVAL. 

K  is  a  "midnight  darling"  that  Charles  Lamb  would  have 
exulted  in,  and  perhaps  the  best  as  yet  produced  from  a  woman's 
pen. 


Simplicity  and  Fascination. 

AN     ENGLISH     NOVEL. 

By  AME    BEALE. 
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IiORIJVG,    Publisher,     .     .     .     BOSTON. 


It  Is  not  often  that  such  a  sound,  and  yet  readable,  English 
novel  is  republished  in  America. 

There    is   neither    a   prosy,  page   nor   a    sensational   chapter   in   it. 

It  is   a   nice   book  for   a   clean  hearth  and   an  easy  chair. 

It  is  a  natural,  healthy  book,  written  by  a  living  person,  about 
people  of  flesh  and  blood,  who  might  have  been  our  neighbors, 
and  of  events  which  might  happen  to  anybody.  This  is  a  great 
charm  in  a  novel.  This  leaves  a  clean  taste  in  the  mouth,  and 
a  delicious  memory  of  the  feast. 

The  tone  of  it  is  high  and  true,  without  being  obstrusively 
good. 

This  novel  reproduces  that  exquisite  tone  or  flavor  so  hard  to 
express  which  permeates  true  English  country  life,  and  gives  to  it 
a  peculiar  charm  unlike  any  other,  which  one  having  once  seen 
and  felt,  lives  as  it  were  under  a  spell,  and  would  never  willingly 
allow  to  fade  from  their  memory. 

Too   much  cannot    be   said  in  praise   of    "  SIMPLICITT  AHD   FAS- 

CUTATIOlf." 


The    Queen    of    the    County, 

By  the  Author  of  "  MAB&ABET  AND  SEE  BBIDE3MAIDS." 
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I.ORI1VG,  Publisher,    .   .   .   BOSTON. 


"  Of  all  the  books  republishecl  by  Mr.  Loring,  this  is  the  best.  An 
old  lady,  beautiful  with  '  the  spirit's  youth  which  never  passes  by,' 
sits  down  by  our  side  and  tells  the  story  of  her  life.  She  gives  us 
an  autobiography  without  calling  it  such,  and  best  of  all,  without 
apologizing  for  it.  She  speaks  of  the  beauty  of  her  youth  without 
vanity  or  false  modesty.  She  deems  the  frank  trustfulness  of  youth 
one  of  life's  least  follies.  She  pours  out  with  her  recollections  all 
the  sweetness  and  loveliness  of  a  glorious  soul,  and  with  no  thought 
that  she  does  so.  The  book  has  sentiment,  but  no  sentimentality. 
There  arc  humorous  passages,  pathetic  passages,  and  passages  ex- 
ceeding sorrowful. 

"  She  makes  no  parade  of  grief,  nor  does  she  state  it  to  be 
sacred,  but  she  treats  it  as  if  it  were  so.  She  does  not  prate  of  joy 
in  high-flown  phrase,  but  speaks  of  it  naturally,  and  in  a  sano 
manner,  as  people  whom  wo  meet  every  day  do.  The  book  is 
characterized  by  an  absence  of  all  attempt  at  effect.  It  is  not 
bookish.  "We  have  not  read  the  story ;  an  old  lady  with  a  beautiful 
face  told  it  to  us.  "We  have  known  her  and  loved  her,  and  now 
we  reverence  her  memory. 

"  For  humor,  geniality,  ease  of  diction,  purity  of  thought,  de- 
lineation of  character,  though  not  perhaps  for  comprehensiveness^ 
it  deserves  a  high  place." 


Margaret  and  Her  Bridesmaids. 

By  the  Author  of  "  THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  COUNTY." 
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,   Publisher,   .   .    .   BOSTON. 


4<  We  save  ourselves  the  trouble  of  giving  any  lengthened  review 
of  this  book,  for  we  recommend  all  who  are  in  search  of  a  fascinating 
novel  to  read  it  for  themselves.  They  will  find  it  well  worth  their 
while.  There  is  a  freshness  and  originality  about  it  quite  charming, 
and  there  is  a  certain  nobleness  in  the  treatment,  both  of  sentiment 
and  incident,  which  is  not  often  found.  We  imagine  that  few  can 
read  it  without  deriving  some  comfort  or  profit  from  the  quiet  good 
;8ense  and  unobtrusive  words  of  counsel  with  which  it  abounds. 

"  The  story  is  very  interesting.  It  is  the  history  of  four  school- 
fellows. Margaret,  the  heroine,  is,  of  course,  a  woman  in  the  highest 
state  of  perfection.  But  Lotty  — the  little,  wilful,  wild,  fascinating, 
brave  Lotty  —  is  the  gem  of  the  book,  and,  as  far  as  our  experience 
.in  novel  reading  goes,  is  an  entirely  original  character  —  a  creation  — 
and  a  very  charming  one.  No  story  that  occurs  to  our  memory 
•contains  more  interest  than  this  for  novel  readers,  particularly  those 
of  the  tender  sex,  to  whom  it  will  be  a  dear  favorite." — The  London 


THE 

BY    EMILY    BOWLES. 

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,    Tiiblislier,    .    .    .    13OSTO1V. 


Although  few  English  or  American  readers  are  likely  to  know  much  about  "  The 
Camargue,"  when  they  open  this  book,  they  cannot  close  it  without  feeling  as  if  the 
regions  of  "  A.IGLES  MORTES"  in  southern  France  were  familiar  and  well-love'!  scones. 
So  vivid  are  the  local  color,—  the  Provencal  atmosphere,  and  the  characteristics  of 
the  people  described,  that  the  book  would  seem  like  a  translation,  were  it  not  for  the 
pure,  —  vigorous,  —  original  English  in  which  it  is  written. 

It  is  one  of  the  Most  Charming  Stories 


it  is  always  out,"  that  now  this  publisher  lias  placed  it  in  the  power  of  them  all,  who  run, 
not  only  to  read,  but  to  have  for  their  own,  for  indeed  this  is  a  book  to  read  more  than 
•once,  and  to  put  side  by  side  with  one's  favorites. 

We  will  not  deprive  the  public  of  one  iota  of  the  keen  interest  it  will  enjoy,  by 
hinting  at  the  story  of 

IN   THE  CAMARGHJE, 

It  is  told  so  graphically  and  well,  that  any  abstract  would  do  it  wrong. 
The  style  is  so  picturesque  and  poetical  that 

ROSA    BONHEUR 

might  paint  the  portrait  of  the  white  bull  "  Oriflamme,"— or 

TENNYSON 

take  "  Noel  Privas"  as  his  heroine  for  an  Idyll. 

But  indeed  the  tale  as  it  is  told  needs  no  illustration.    It  paints  its  own   pictures, 
and  sings  its  own  songs.    The  Protestant  reader  may  perhaps  feel  inclined  to  smile  at  the 

Miracles    Performed 

at  the  "  Feast  of  the  Three  Marys,"  and  will  of  course  feel  a  want  of  sympathy  with 
the  whole  stream  of  llomanisrn  pervading  the  book,  but  the  noble  beauty  and  pathos  of 

Rambert,    The   Cattle    Driver's 

life  and  death,  and  the  exquisite  sadness  of  the  closing  chapters,  arc  of  no  creed  or 
country,  and  ar>-;«a;  to  our  common  human  nature. 


